#totim talks

[jamjarblues]

i truly think that this recent trend of “if you relate to a post about a different identity than your own you are ~derailing~ and taking over the conversation” is incredibly harmful.

i recently experienced some pretty severe transphobic abuse in my workplace (children’s home) that included having food thrown at me, being called slurs, being told i was a pervert because i am trans. one of the managers talked with me afterwards and shared that he had had a similar experience as an Asian man. this wasn’t him derailing my experience, or talking over me, or making things about himself. he was communicating “hey, i know how it feels and how much it sucks. you’re not alone.”

THAT is what solidarity IS. i don’t know what it’s like to be Asian, he doesnt know what it’s like to be trans, but we both had a similar experience and we were able to turn a horrible experience into an opportunity for bonding and comfort.

stop looking at people’s attempts as solidarity as an attack. and hey, you never know - you could find an opportunity to grow closer to other people.

[jamjarblues]

“the word transandrophobia implies that cis men are oppressed for being men and also that trans women don’t suffer oppression” yeah buddy and the word mosquito implies the existence of a larger, more powerful insect named el mosco. do you have any other fantastic insights for us

[jamjarblues]

remembering the time i saw a post on reddit discussing some scheme put on by the uk government (i think it was the pensioners heating bill one?) and all the americans in the thread were super offended the headline was calling it a ‘scheme’, saying it was deliberately putting a negative light on it. no babes we call everything a scheme here. thats just the word we use when the government does something - which i realise for people not familiar with the terms makes it sound like parliament is full of supervillains rubbing their hands together thinking up ways to ruin the ok post cancelled thats exactly what parliament is

[jamjarblues]

so basically got confirmation that i cant safely piss in public toilets anymore!! in the past week ive been confronted in both mens and womens toilets. not gonna go into detail, im safe and both situations were resolved without any incident, but im gonna buy a radar key so i can be in public for longer than a few hours at a time. and the EHRC has ruled that these incidents are not discrimination because i am a trans man.

i dont even know how to describe the levels of anxiety and distress this has caused me. i already struggle to feel safe in public due to my paranoia. i dont know how i am going to handle going out. i desperately hope this changes. i am grateful to my friends and partner for sticking up for me both times and holding me while i cried.

if you have ever told a trans man that he looks ‘scary’ or that you would scream if you saw him in a womans toilet, know that you are a fucking dangerous person. you cause harm. you directly endanger transgender people both physically and psychologically. fuck you.

[jamjarblues]

reminding all trans people that transitioning does not mean they do not have to do the work of unlearning the patriarchal and white supremacist system we live in and compassionately pointing out when people are repeating these learned behaviours : hell yeah! absolutely! 👍

specifically targeting trans men and mascs because you think they’re “transitioning to privilege”/“going darkside”/whatever: hey. what the fuck. stop that

[jamjarblues]

btw when we point out that many trans men are POC/disabled/dont live in the west/etc, the point is not necessarily “lots of trans men are marginalised in other ways, so therefore they face oppression for those things”. it’s more “the idea that being a trans man means you inherently gain access to male privilege is built on the flawed premise that white supremacy and patriarchy gives every person identifying as a man the same rights and privilege, when in reality those structures of power give their privilege to an incredibly specific type of man that they define as the ‘correct’ man. we can see this when we look at the lived realities of men who do not fit into this specification, which includes but is not limited to men of colour, disabled men, and yes trans men. yes many of these men do have varying levels of access to male privilege depending on their identity, however the unique categorisation of a man who is transgender means that his ability to access this privilege hinges utterly and entirely on his ability to hide his transness perfectly, which for a huge variety of reasons is not possible for the vast majority of trans men - and even then the patriarchal archetype of ‘male privilege’ may remain inaccessible to him based on other aspects of his identity. this is intersectionality 101, and we point this out because this is the lived reality of the vast majority of the people defined as trans men.”

[jamjarblues]

im really appreciating the conversations around masc pregnancy as a trans man who wants to be a dad one day, bc unless something changes for me the most efficient and simplest way for me to be a dad is through pregnancy and childbirth. and i want to live in a world where i can freely and safely do this without compromising on my own existence. this does tie in with the conversations about how many trans masculine people with uteruses face the prospect of forced detransition through pregnancy, because ultimately we all have the same need: for pregnancy care (to both continue and end it) to be degendered, for visible pregnancy to not directly equate to femininity, and for ALL pregnant people to be treated with dignity and respect and given as much bodily autonomy as possible.

[jamjarblues]

ok so im a big guy, right. my entire life ive never had a “”healthy weight”” bmi, ive always been at least “overweight” but mainly “morbidly obese”. but doctors have never once been concerned about that. if they bring up my weight at all they describe me as ‘strong’ ‘well-built’ or ‘stocky’. ive never had a doctor tell me i need to lose weight. even when i have had issues that objectively are due to having more body mass they dont say it. ive never been denied any treatment due to my weight.

but this is CLEARLY not the case for everyone with a high bmi. if i were to go around saying that my experience was the norm and anyone else discussing medical fatphobia was lying or wrong then that would be pretty fucking stupid of me, right? especially when there are aspects of my experience that make it radically different from a lot of other people’s (such as the fact that im very muscular, and therefore weigh more than someone of the same size who has less muscle). it would be bullshit for me to dismiss other experiences from people who, while they share my bmi number, have other aspects that change how they are perceived and treated. if i started doing this then people would be in the right to call me a short sighted idiot.

so why is it different when a (stealth passing straight white thin abled) trans man says that his experiences of having (limited social) male privilege mean that other transmasculine people should shut up about transandrophobia?