#tq brainrot

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do my fellow autohomoerotics experience anything similar?

alloandrophilic life cycle:

1.alloandrophilia predictably hits, target is typically a cis man, sometimes a deeply repressed proto-trans woman (it’s easier when it’s parasocial but unfortunately it’s IRL sometimes—sometimes like a lesbian, i choose an unavailable one). the feeling is good, typically, and i have auto-androphilia for him, too. the kind of man i’m attracted to is usually one i’d want to emulate. also the fantasies are super predictably auto-homoerotic as fuck (the idea is i’d also be a guy)

2.I learn that i’m objectively inferior to him because i am (and sometimes it’s because he’s normie in addition to male) i used to approach, but have given that up in recent years after repeated rejections. i get angry, internally, but don’t let it go anywhere. violent thoughts towards myself and others, inc. target. he would also never accommodate my delusions, my sexuality is estrogenic so i think about the future and realize that obviously anyone who is attracted to me is attracted to women and not to autohomoerotic ftms. my blackpills tell me that even well adjusted bi men wouldn’t.(this is due to my horrible personality, so it’s specific to me) i absolutely cannot approach my latest target, it would be inviable due to other unrelated incompatibilities but i won’t get too into that—doesn’t stop the cycle from proceeding.

3.i have thoughts of suicide every day. i rarely can cry, but then i do. (i’m not on testosterone or anything i’m just repressing) for how long these thoughts last depends on how far it got with my delusions. i’m really good at making the cycle go by quickly—classic comphet, i guess i have this in common w the type 1’s. but when i actually have gotten the opportunity to be one of his orbiters, it lasts longer—i’m usually so inferior to his other orbiters. i feel guilty for implicating him.

4.i retreat into a ground state of asexuality, hyper-romantic fanfic-tropey bihet female sexuality. this is my equilibriated comfort zone. of course, i still repress and carry in me intense cross-sex desires. i realize that i am too highly feminine in my thinking- i catch feelings, i’m emotional as fuck, i’m fembrained as all hell, not built for what i perceive from across the cultural and physiological aisle as the casual, animalistic, cult of physical beauty which everything about my socialization and my nerdy femcel predilections has told me i would never in a million years fit into (and on this point i’m right). I have a horrible body and personality, so i find myself falling back on the tropes of cis womanhood when realistically thinking of enticing targets, where almost zero for (gay ftms? they/them perhaps?) exist. I start recovering from my fixation on my alloandrophilic target, and make a return to woman with a private daydream.

written just now in a moment of self-awareness i think… like genuinely what the fuck is wrong.

is this just suicidal or am i a lesbian all along. do others… like me… experience something similar… is this what it feels like to supposed to have been a man yet have a sex drive dominated by estrogen or is this a secret 3rd worse thing? or AUTISM probably? this should be included in a write-up on autistic girls and how we think. i’m throwing things at the wall in the hopes something sticks wrt my guesses here.

is is just me?

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Is he him, you know, the one that you’ve written about for years? When you’d grown up alone underneath your bed with the lights turned off and the door locked, you pulled out a little book that you’d never let anyone see and frenetically wrote and drew two figures with their hands on each other's faces or in each other's hair or their lips on each other's mouths. You really had no idea what you were doing, and why so badly you only wanted to think of two men. And you, at one point, finally believed that you’d met him and that something would come to life and that he would fuck you with the lights off.

To believe but repeatedly deny that you are simultaneously meeting him and yourself. But knowing that you’ve met neither because in the choice between monotonous and pulsating he is both in the best ways and you in the worst. The rest of the world will never know the ways in which color and light pulsate like an orchestra and a symphony swells like an ocean inside of your mind, and especially not him. Nobody will ever know what happened to you after your disappearance, what happened to your heart after its ignition, how hard it successfully fought against the breaking of your mind. How the right way was when you dressed in men’s clothes and the once-unconscious thought overtook you, that the right way was yourself destroyed by the loneliness. How if there was hope for us, there might have been hope for you, whom he will destroy leaving nothing in his wake. Therefore, contrapositive, if there was never hope for you, there certainly wasn’t hope for you and him. And they’ll never know how it felt like this grand declaration of grief and decay of a neoliberal fantasia but also of the adolescence you’d just completed the wrong way. 

You came into the wrong closet, and identified with the wrong psychological journey, and began believing that you, like them, like him, were supposed to come with brutality. You met from your childhood thoughts your longings for death and violence and horror. 

They’ll never know the things which you’ve imagined, the fantasies after all these years with which you positively identify. Nobody, never him, never even yourself, will know that you liked him more like a man who liked another man than like a woman, and it is something that you’ll take with you to the grave. That you wanted him to do two things instead of one but that he most likely would have done neither, and furthermore, that you’d met neither him nor yourself yet your love letter to him was your suicide note and both would be written but never finished. And what difference would it make?

You don’t even yet know who he is, the skin, the validator light-switch, the warped and distorted double-mirror, for one to be sick and hungry for you was, unbeknownst to you, never possible. 

(2020)

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how it feels to be unable or unwilling to forego or downplay your androphilic drive in pursuit of an ego-syntonic female masculinity... (type 2) shoutout to butches and pipeliners but i'm so fucking AHE ;'(

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when you accidentally use 'autoandrophilia' around the 'gender envy' friendgroup

or

when you accidentally use 'ftm repressor' around gang 'i wish i was born a male'

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in this shithole society if you’ve gotten your haircut nobody cares whether you’re a butch or a gayden, all that matters is

1.do you agree with [whoever’s asking] politically?

2.testosterone or no?

-if at least one of these conditions is not satisfied then you’re not (yet) trans

butch autoandrophiles🤝autohomoerotic gaydens

my latest deranged portmanteau that i’ve come up with to convey the little material difference between the two is “gayfab” btw and the lesbian vs. gay man pinterest art “controversy” illustrates this well, all i’ll say.

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i don’t always get political w it because i do feel like questions of desire and legitimacy pollute the logistics, i’m not about to beg trutrans (that now is taken to mean ‘no longer pretrans/repressed’, btw) people for things when i need to be a better “cis”ally to them, and i’m only sorting out desire and legitimacy. i understand how politically and personally offputting i can be, as a concept, to actual trans ppl. yet of course those desires are deeply political in nature, but i don’t see how politics can be just this stand-in for desire that alludes to desire when transmasculine desire is a thing that doesn’t yet exist politically because it’s denied/dismissed as something else or actively derided as the purview of [some kind of privilege]. i was a tiktok theyfab in 2020-22 and often saw people’s transmasculine desire dissected apart down to each of its components and exposed for how fucked up their desires are, all the things (fatphobic, racist, a white-woman fragility moment, homophobic, transmisogynistic) but the thing is, i don’t even think that *all* of those critiques are unwarranted, but one is left to wonder… since i assume everyone “in my orbit”(that’s what it’s called, i think, lmao) on here is at least tertiarily involved with the project of creating a coherent if-and-only-if, divergent-not-convergent, transmasculine sense of meaning/narrative where one is severely lacking or entirely absent (think: why is there no ftm whipping girl? and take it as a challenge) without being this logical so-as-follows ‘mirror counterpart’ to transfemininity NOR incredibly butch cis women, because those sets of comparisons are bound in many important ways to be false, to not apply. this is where the TQ complaint of ‘erasure’ is a real thing, even if 14 y/o’s feeling invalidated in the moment don’t exactly articulate its further implications very well. my point is/was when i was deep in tiktok theyfabbery, is a perfect feminist politic a mandatory prerequisite to creating such a narrative? (think about the particular moral mandate along the lines of ‘being a man is about respecting women’: yes, yes absolutely you need to, but without it, does one cease to be a man? or are you now this empty, voided, “masc-not-butch” “nonbinary is just a negation, it’s not a thing” person having your white woman moments, having your cake and eating it too) everyone agrees that the edgy teenage phase of many newer trans people is offputting and uncanny, albeit necessary for growth and development, but i do wonder if coming out the other end of transmasculinity therefore becomes this careful disavowal, deliberately manufactured to be apolitical and uncontroversial, and if political, aligned with feminism the way lesbians are. i also find the tMRA shit, (MRAshit wrapped in a toothpaste flag) to be weird and offputting and not ideal politically and evidence of a total unawareness of how one is perceived. thinking about that tweet that said “it is not up to ftms to fix masculinity, go to the gym lol” and if you want, you should, you can, but an implication is that by virtue of who we are and what we want, we are particularly ill-equipped to be able to simultaneously take it seriously wrt ourselves while also being capable of meaningfully contributing to philosophy, discourse, (culture) politics without leaving ourselves behind in some way. if that’s not the other classic TQ complaint of “infantilization”, then i’m not sure what is. it’s put up or shut up, and if you knew me, you’d find that i shut up in real life, as is ideal while i’m in a proto- state and still politically uncanny and incoherent. while i myself am a gaymaxxer(my cope is that i’m in part like this because i’m gay-male-ideated not because i WNBAM),

i found that i became far more robustly left wing and feminist and all that once i stopped trying to think about myself as a cis woman, once i listened to disk horse on “toxic masculinity” and “male loneliness epidemic” shit, i see some breadtuber spaces as having struggled with creating a similar meaning/story for cis men that isn’t just anti-woman. i also heard there that pre-leftist cis men were afraid of, but had to make peace with, the supposed threat that transfemininity posed to the security of their gender identity and expression, and of those who remain men, some get to realize that they’re queer. I heard quite deep and meaningful comparisons made between cis women’s and trans women’s lives and struggles for meaning. the matrix style gender theory, “fuck gender, be a woman”, was all of our redpill, however hard to swallow. but of nobody’s fault but my own, i was at this time beginning to not internally identify as a woman, and realized that there’s no such thing as a transmasculine redpill. still no story, still no sense of meaning, still I should learn to feel/be the butch or be like the other girls and okay with that, a thing i’m just not and never was. transmasculine desire is still shameful and unspeakable as is the opposite in any other part of life and the political landscape—

i can identify this problem, yes, but i’m not smart enough nor in real life enough nor materially affected enough to be an ideal candidate to begin to create the solution, but i think the boy hypno content is a step in the right direction, for sure, though there may yet be unforeseen social/political consequences.

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tfw your style of dress which you discovered in 2019 to be uniquely male without necessarily being 1. hypermasculine or 2. tied to lesbian subcultures, breaches containment and gets adopted by other theyfabs with 'gender envy' but because you're ugly and not small and don't do makeup and don't giggle or pitch your voice up you get coded as a girl who doesn't know fashion as you age out of masc-not-butch youthful lesbian assumptions... instead of a visionary, an ironic adopter of pathetic masculinity, a gay boy trapped in the life and body of a female, to be delivering onto the masses a grand sort of trajecomedy, to be building up to a sophisticated joke, with the way you dress.

BTW i do NOT hate theyfabs who get reabsorbed into the heterosexual dating pool. This isn't about who has real gender dysphoria or AAP-- I think a lot of them have the same problems that I do, except adapted a fembrain as an elaborate social mask whereas that was never provided to me because I grew up very tall and strong relative to my agegroup and my mother was not like other girls and gave me inconsistent feminine instruction PLUS i adapted the 'smart so i don't have to be pretty' socioecological niche, but we've both got autism!

If you are not me, if you wanted the things I was given but were denied, I see the deep humanity in your struggle, as I'd hope you do mine.

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necessary blackpills

1.you are not born this way(maybe not, idk you) but it will still never change (accepted!)

2.you’re on your own before and during, potentially after if you have a terrible personality like I do. it’s not a guaranteed ability to relate to others, but it’s how you’d be able to start to try (pretty much accepted)

3.you might never BAx and you cannot know if you’ll end up clocky, but on a physiological level transition might still be preferable to your happiness, even at a massive social cost-that is the problem, that is the thing worth combatting from a political perspective. you could be nonbinary but it still wouldn’t negate your apparent desire/need. (not yet reckoned with)

4.you might regret it even if you end up passing and have to go detrans, but that’s fine, just don’t be transphobic about it when it’s you in 10y (not yet reckoned with)

pessimistic optimism about the logistics of repression. now on to the “emotions” surrounding it. no such thing as “legitimacy” as an inherent property one possesses or lacks, but nowadays “legitimacy” is judged based on actions, where one is not considered “legitimate” until they transition. don’t listen to what twitterers think is politically viable/inviable, listen to yourself, anon.