hands rest on thighs, the cold air producing clouds of white from eldon’s mouth. his lips are parting, body shaking uncontrollably under the too-large jacket that someone hugged over his body come night-fall; before negan’s group herded them into an area of no escape that poses more threat than the wolves ever did. eldon remembers how horrible that was ( sometimes wakes up still seeing flashes of what happened and what he had to do ) and how most everyone tried to reassure him things would be okay. it was like macbeth retold, which he figures is the best way to describe it, and how days after he was still wondering how ash could kill someone to protect himself and those he cares about but eldon froze up at the mere idea. he was almost killed, he remembers and has a scar to prove it, but he never thought he’d have to kill someone. almost every person who had fought for survival had killed another human being and part of him blames ashley for protecting him from it all those years – truth is, eldon’s always been weak and it doesn’t help when he has someone who is willing to do anything for him, including kill.
the first thought he reminisces upon is how he gave up on belle years ago ; when he and ashley were sitting in the corner of his childhood home and eldon had been chasing a shadow of hope for weeks until he finally whimpered something about wanting to stop ( "i don’t think we should be looking anymore" ). eldon is foolish to wonder for a second if the man standing behind him with a rifle has any memories similar to that or if he too has nightmares of the first time he slid a knife into the gut of another human. eldon does have nightmares or mornings where he wakes because his dreams are too intense and he’s trying to believe that this is what belle would want for him; when it gets really bad, the man he killed takes on the form of someone eldon’s loves or loved and he’ll scream himself into consciousness. some nights ash is there to turn on the light, others he isn’t, and he’ll be gone outside the walls or seeking warmth with someone else so eldon will lie awake staring at the ceiling until sleep deprivation conjures up stars behind his eyelids.
breath stilled on to the word ‘it’, eldon can help but steal a glance to the red-haired boy a few feet away, just on the other side of the woman on his right. whether it is selfish or altruistic, eldon hopes this is his last night. he can’t take another nightmare or a sleepless sleep or seeing belle around corners she isn’t ( sometimes he asks aaron if he can keep an eye out but he rarely goes outside the gates anymore so eldon’s learned over time to give up the search ). is dying easy? surely not dying like this. is anything easy? depends. is killing easy? eldon doesn’t know if he’ll ever get used to it over time. is losing the ones you love easy? no. is being the one your loved ones lose easy? surely it must be easier than losing them. every thought slips across eldon’s mind for barely a second at a time until he’s calculating who’s going to die at negan’s hand from a barbed-wire bat. as painful as it would be, it must be easier than this.
breaths stilled and shaking drawn to a minimum ( though not to a close just yet, he’s too nervous and cold for that ) he isn’t prepared for the small silence when negan stops counting, his eyes focused on the sky slipping back down to catch whomever is going to die with the bat thrust in their face. eldon would know that red-hair anywhere, the look of deprivation and tempting that is almost signature of ash at this point; he’s barely been without it, even at the times when life seems intent on bringing them both down for no other reason than for the universe to laugh. it’s only when negan brings the weapon down and the sound of wood hitting skull echoes through the trees does eldon’s fingernails dig into the skin above his knees; it’s painful, sure, but he’s a moment away from screaming and he can’t bear the thought of both he and ash dying – if belle is alive, IF, then one of them needs to be here for her to return to.
the moment is over almost as soon as it began and eldon is biting his tongue, eyes swollen and tears spilling. no one is moving, just staring wide-eyed with shivering hands at the seemingly decaying form of ash on the floor. the sight is almost too much to bear, and once the saviours have vanished and night has given way to day, eldon leans forward and throws up, shaking hands removed from their place on his thighs to wipe across his mouth and push his dirty hair away from his face. admittedly, he’s not sure he’ll ever get over this. ash is the only person he knows for sure isn’t alive; william and michelle are possibly, and belle might be or might not be. ashley was the last thread eldon had to life before the world turned upside down on its axis and the apocalypse decided to make an appearance. his coat is too big and his heart too, and he’s pretty sure it has snapped completely in his chest and is making him too heavy to stand before he attempts to and ends up falling back to the floor with a cry. ashley is dead and belle is gone, and eldon is all alone.
( almost every part of him aches, the other part wonders if dying at fifteen could’ve saved him this heartbreak and a lifetime of living in this world. dying, this is something he knows, was so much easier when he had nothing to lose. the lake was a blip on the radar of mistakes he has made and though it remains a part of him that he will always regret no matter what, seeking solace in the deep would have taken him from this world before it could take anything other than his mother from him. )
