a peice of me worries that im becoming a purist in a way and that maybe i really just fear sex for the reason of "growing up" but when could that make sense when ive felt grown enough my whole life, instead i recently remember that i instead feel the fear of being taken advantage of. i feel like no matter who i lay down with, the likelihood of us feeling the same way about one another and having the same intention for the acts are "very low" and thats why i put my foot down and gave myself a bounderie; no sex till marriage.
proud to put a stop to myself before i could get too caught up and do something i regret, usually the forces of the universe were only enough to stunt me but i now know how to regulate myself. its strange that theres a longevity in my impulsiveness, i make rash decisions because i want to be conformable later. so i sit and decide to become conformable with the idea of seriously having sex. and i sat on that thought for the entirety of senior year for it to physically equate to nothing. obviously i dont take back all that interspection but i feel like im being told to make a decision, take a stance and fight for what i truly want. and if it were truly up to me, id stay a virgin forever. and so i push foward into my first year of college craving my first kiss but nothing beyond that
anyways, for me its not the marriage that is significant but simply because i could only see myself having that level of trust and emotional vulnerability with my spouses. sex is not physical for me, it never has been and it never will be because i dont veiw the action in that sense. the physical pleasure i could even imagine gaining from intercourse doesnt fulfill me in any sense of the word. itd be nice sure, but for me the appeal of sex was always having an open connection with that person. i want to feel like im inside your mind, like you only reveal this peice of your heart to me, and id expect them to get the same out of me. so the idea of having sex with people i dont have a deep spiritual connection with nonetheless someone i dont care about. so i had to stand up and pump the breaks because i dont need it, i dont even really want it. sex is really only fun in my head anyway, where its safe and completely my scene.
its not me being a kid its me genuinely not being intrested and thats perfectly okay, its my body, my decision. i just feel like when i was really getting into my persona of who i thought troi had to be, sex was one of the priorities if anything because i know the sexual power i could possess. this thought of glory especially didnt dissipate since every boy that ever likes me ever, see me mainly for sex appeal. the perfect trophy wife. and not like i was weak minded per say, but its very easy to convince myself of things ill just say that . . . but i know i will never be the freak i feel i should be, the freak i know i couldve been had i only been different. and ive accepted it with a relived sigh, like the tension in my neck and shoulders were suddenly released, the pressure i had been feeling on my back, momentarily gone. i only feel like i dug myself into this trap because i feel like i cant really be asexual, it just feels unrealistic in a society like this, im simply too pretty, sorry. i tried to rot into the choice of having sex because i didnt really feel like it would be choice, thats just something that whoever i was in relation with would eventually want. it felt like i had to trade my body for the love i desired.
but im older now and know theres no point in hurting myself anymore, a soft life is one i truly desire, a life that can exist without sex so i can come back in and make an actual decision to have sex as an emotional treat with the people i love.
