Lately I've been thinking about how I grew up with parents who cared about me and really wanted me to be happy and strong and independent, and I still managed to become a lazy and anxiety-ridden meek adult who can't really do anything the adult life demands. Imagine the kind of person parents could have raised if they got better material to work with! It could be a really active, strong, outgoing person, part of a community, a traveler, someone who knows what they want in life. And instead they got me. What a heartbreak! What a deep disappointment, to keep nudging and nudging this pile of raw dough that is your child toward doing something, anything, and to see them fail over and over. I would have probably abandoned it by now, but they keep reaching out and asking me how I'm doing. I don't really know where I am going with this, I guess I am just genuinely disappointed with myself and projecting it onto them. I am weak and unable to stop seeking comfort instead of development, even though it is clear this choice is wrong. At my age, I am supposed to be so much more developed, stronger, with a better understanding of who I am - after all, I have reached the middle of my lifespan! And I am developmentally stuck in so many ways! And I have NO idea how to fix myself (and the thought of having to change makes me retch - probably another sign of arrested development).
