An Unfair Trajectory
Summary: Requested: Jack Abbot x Reader; Reader is in a car accident and suffers from severe injuries including a traumatic brain injury. Jack helps her navigate her healing. no y/n.
Warnings: Blood, car crash, drunk driver mentioned, needles, vomit, difficult rehab, use of she/her
Word count: 8,180
A/N: *spits blood, smiles with bloody teeth* I finished it! This one kicked my ass and I know that I could still fiddle with it. But it needs to be in the world. No beta, so I'm sure there are spelling/grammar mistakes. I'm sorry. I didn't want to break it up, so it's a long one. This was requested by @celiacallsitcausal but I also had an Anon that had a similar request as well.
One thing everyone learns when they start working in emergency medicine is that everything can change in an instant. Your entire life trajectory can shift with one breath. Jack Abbot learned that lesson the hard way when he lost his leg, and again when he lost his wife. Over time, he had learned to respect it rather than fight it.
He had, however, become complacent in his happiness. Stopped worrying about looming threats. Life has a way of reminding you of the hardest lessons.
“It’s not fair,” Jack grumbled as he filled his thermos with coffee.
“What’s not fair?” You said as you stood up, closing the dishwasher.
“You look better in my shirt than I ever will. And those shorts. Those things should be illegal when I’m going to work.” He growled as he pulled you in by the hips.
“You definitely shouldn’t see what I’m wearing to the birthday party, then.” You chuckled, draping your arms around his neck.
“Not that black dress.” He leaned away, looking betrayed.
“The one that’s just a little too short. Yep.” You chuckled at the look of anguish on his face.
“You’re cruel.” He hummed against your skin as he kissed the crook of your neck.
“If you’re a good boy, I’ll leave it on for you to take off.” Your voice was sultry and smooth, teasing him.
“I’m calling in sick. Shen can handle things by himself.” He said, turning to look for his phone.
“Stop! They need you, and you know it.”
“Come work the shift then, I’ll be on my best behavior.”
“Absolutely not. I’ve been looking forward to Kate’s party for too long. We haven’t seen each other in forever. Your insatiable horniness will not derail my plans!” You smack his chest as you walk away, knowing he was watching your ass in those shorts.
Jack sat typing at his station. He had been cursing himself for not calling out. They really hadn’t needed him. They’d had one major case, a heart attack, and not much else. Normally, it’d be cause for celebration. The thought of you shaking your ass in a barely there dress had him furious with the universe.
“We’ve got a ped versus car coming in. ETA 5 minutes,” Bridget called out.
“Something worth my while.” Jack huffed.
“You’ve gotta stop saying stuff like that. It’s tempting the universe too much.” She chided.
“Yeah, yeah.” He waved her off. “John, I’ll need you on this one.” Jack waved him over.
“You got it, boss.” John grabbed some gloves and jogged over to the ambulance bay to wait. Jack took his time getting ready.
“Pedestrian walking home, drunk driver took them down. Went down on the way in, intubated in the field.” The paramedics rambled off.
“Oh shit.” John said, causing Jack to turn to him. “Dr. Abbot, sit this one out.” He said.
“What? Why the fuck-” Jack stopped in his tracks as your face came into view. Covered in blood and bruises, swollen and broken.
“Bridget, call Robby. Get him in here to cover.” John ordered as he wheeled you into the trauma bay, followed by a gaggle of nurses and residents.
Jack’s feet felt like lead as he walked into the trauma bay. Suddenly, everything was too much. His senses were overwhelmed. He moved to stand next to your head.
“They need a CT. There’s blood coming from their ears.” Jack’s voice was shaky and small. He brushed the hair from your face, like he could comfort you in this state.
“Jack, I’ve got them. You can’t be their doctor.” John said as he worked on stabilizing you.
“14G in the right arm.” A nurse yelled. Jack’s head was spinning. He could only focus on your face.
“Why are we not cutting her clothes!? Get them off, now!” John barked as he listened to your chest. The nurses hesitated, stuck between duty and respect for you. You were their doctor, coworker, and friend. To rip your clothes off like you were just anybody else felt wrong.
“On it.” Princess started cutting the dress. It once sparkled, now it was dimmed by your blood covering it. Your exposed body sent a shiver up Jack’s spine.
“Pressure is dropping.”
“They’re tachy.”
“Bruising on the belly.”
“Burns to lower extremities.”
“Crepitus to the right side.”
The words meant something to Jack. He knew what they were saying. But none of it stuck. None of it made sense in that moment. He just watched your face, watched the blood spill from your nose.
“Radiology is ready for her.” One of the nurses called out as she hung up the phone.
“She’s stable enough. Get her up there. Head, chest, belly.” Shen ordered as they pushed Jack out of the way. “Call Walsh, I want surgery waiting for her once she’s back.”
“Dr. Abbot, you should sit down.” Bridget pulled him over to the hub, pushing him into a chair. Jack’s face was blank, unreadable. He couldn’t feel his fingers. How could he let this happen? How could he let his guard down?
“They’ll be okay, Jack,” John said.
“You can’t say that. I saw them.” Jack huffed. Bridget shoved a cup of coffee into his hand.
“Drink it.” She demanded. Jack sipped the coffee, it burned his tongue. He let it.
Jack sat motionless, stuck in his head. He thought about every possible thing that could be wrong with you. Every terrible outcome. Shen had told him you were back from CT at some point. He still couldn’t move.
“Jack!” Robby’s voice broke him from his trance. Jack wondered how long he’d been standing over him. The concerned look on his face told him too long. “Jack, are you here?”
“Yeah.” He managed to croak out.
“Shen gave me the rundown. Said he told you what was going on, but you weren’t responding. Not sure how much got through.” Robby pulled a chair in front of him.
“I don’t know.” He murmured.
“Well, there is some internal bleeding. A liver laceration, Walsh is consulting now. Pulmonary contusion, broken right tib fib and most of the ribs on that side,”
“Stop. I don’t want to hear this.” Jack winced away from him.
“I know. But you need to. Jack, she’s got multiple skull fractures and spinal cord damage. The CT showed a depression fracture near her right frontal lobe.” Robby sighed. “Once she’s stabilized from the liver lac, they’ll set her up for an MRI. Neuro is going to meet Walsh in the OR. The liver is the priority right now.”
“None of her friends called.” Jack looked confused, pulling his phone out to see no messages or calls.
“Jack. You need to see her before she goes up.” Robby put his hand on Jack’s shoulder.
“I can’t.” Jack’s voice broke, his throat tight and painful as he tried to keep from crumbling.
“I know. But you have to. Come on,” Robby pulled him to his feet, ushering him into the trauma bay. You were hooked up to every machine in the ER, it looked like. The tube down your throat made him gag.
“Abbot. We’re taking your girl up now, that liver is bleeding pretty good.” Walsh said her demeanor was caught between giving him sympathy and treating him normally, unsure which was best.
“Give him a minute, Emery.” Robby pushed Jack toward your head, now wrapped in gauze.
“You got no more than five. I gotta take care of her.” Emery nodded as she walked out.
“Talk to her. You’ll regret it if you don’t.” Robby gave his back a firm pat and followed Walsh.
Jack stood staring down at your face. The way it had puffed up and bruised left you almost unrecognizable. But he knew every inch of you like you were a part of him. He’d spent hours looking at your face, memorizing the slope of your nose, the gentle lines of your cheekbones. Now, all he could see that looked like you was your eyelashes. The ones you would bat at him when you wanted something from him. You never needed to, he’d give you the world on a silver platter if you asked, but he liked it when you did anyway.
“I love you.” Was torn from his throat. “Please, stay with me. Don’t leave me here alone. Again.” A plea to not only you, but the universe or whoever was in charge. He dipped down, his lips gently grazing yours. The swelling causing them to feel different, more firm and foreign. “I won’t make it without you. Not this time.” He whispered.
As if the universe heard him and laughed, the monitor started screaming. Your vitals tanking, he watched the screen as the numbers spiraled down.
“She’s bleeding out into her belly. She’s going up now!” Walsh pushed Jack out of the way. Harder than she had meant, sending him flying backwards. Robby caught him before he met the ground. He watched as they took you away. The thought that it might be the last time he saw you made bile rise in his throat.
“She’s in good hands.” Robby told him.
“I’m going to puke.” Jack growled and ran to the trash, throwing up what little he had in his stomach. He sunk to the floor, his hands shaking. No tears came; he was too in shock.
“Jack, you gotta stay here. She needs you here.” Robby’s voice was distant. Jack nodded to make him feel better. A feeble attempt that failed. Jack’s eyes were trained on the pool of blood shining on the tile. Your blood. Your blood is everywhere. Too much, there was too much.
His reality was melting before him.
He’d seen your blood. He was used to it. No, that wasn’t right.
“Jack, can you get me a Band-Aid?” You stood in front of him holding your finger tightly.
“What’d you do?”
“Tried to fix the fucked up drawer on the dresser.” You sighed, showing him your hand and the large gash on your finger.
“I’ll fix everything.” He mumbled.
“Jack? What are you talking about?” Robby knelt next to him.
“She’s clumsy, she hurts herself all the time. I clean up her blood all the time. It never phased me. There’s so much of it, though.” Jack cringed at the sight of your blood staining the tile.
“Let’s get you out of here.” Robby helped him to his feet.
“She was excited to go out tonight. I told her I could call out. I should have called out.” Jack was furious with himself.
“Don’t go there. Should’ve and what ifs never help anything.” Robby warned. He dragged him to the break room, sitting him in a chair and putting a cup of coffee in his hand.
“Depression fracture to her right frontal lobe.” Jack mumbled. The words ringing around his head.
“She could make a full recovery.”
“Or never practice medicine again.”
“Or make a full recovery.”
“Or never live the life she worked so hard for.” Jack put his head in his hands.
“Just focus on breathing for now. When we have more information, we can panic, deal?”
“No.” Jack huffed.
“Stubborn bastard.” Robby smirked.
“What happened to her ring? I didn’t take it off? Where’s her ring?” Jack leaped to his feet, frantic.
“Easy! I’ll go find it.” Robby moved to leave but was pushed aside by Jack. He marched up to Bridget and Shen.
“Where’s her ring? Did you cut it off?” Jack looked crazed. The two looked at him, surprised. They had never seen him like this. Jack was calm and cool and in control, always in control. Jack never panicked. Everyone else did, not Jack.
“Um, I think one of the nurses cut it off.” John cleared his throat as he looked around the ED to find the right face.
“You don’t know where her ring is!? What’s wrong with you!? You’re too fucking careless!” Jack growled.
“Easy, Jack.” Bridget stepped in between the two.
“I’m going to find it, man. I promise.” John ran off.
“How do you do that!? Lose someone’s ring!?” Jack paced in front of the desk.
“Jack, let’s go back to the break room while Shen looks. He’ll find it.” Robby tried to coax him away from prying eyes.
“She never takes it off! She showers with it! She always said they’d have to bury her with it…” His voice trailed off. His hands were shaking.
“Dr. Abbot? I’m so sorry, I put it in my pocket so it wouldn’t get lost. I completely forgot to hand it over.” Kim handed the plastic pill vial to him. He took it, looking at the broken pieces, they clattered together as his hands shook.
“Thank you.” He whispered.
“Is there anything I can do?” She put a hand on his, he flinched at the contact.
“We’ve got him. You go back to work. Thank you, Kim.” Robby nodded. The nurse smiled and ran off. “Come on. Sit down.” Robby grabbed a chair and plopped Jack in it.
“Dr. Robby? Phone.” Lena gestured the phone to him. Robby sighed as he went over and took it.
“You know, if you smiled more, people would want to be around you more.” You smiled down at him.
“I don’t want them around.”
“Oh, so I should leave you to sulk then?” You put your hands on your hips. “Grumpy old bastard. You’re lucky I love you.”
“I just want you.” Jack murmured.
“Jack, I need to tell you something and I need to know you can understand me.” Robby sat next to him, hand on his shoulder.
“She’s gone.” Jack’s chest heaved.
“No. No, she’s not gone.” Robby quickly corrected.
“Brain dead?”
“No. She had a bleed, Neuro caught it on the CT. They’re taking care of it now.” Robby cleared his throat. “Walsh is finishing up the other repairs.”
“How bad?” Jack couldn’t look at him. If he looked at Robby, he’d see the pity in his eyes. He’d see the grief, the heartbreak, a mirror of his anguish on Robby’s face.
“They’re confident they can repair it.”
“How bad?”
“They said…they said to be prepared for cognitive issues, potential memory loss and diminished fine motor skills.” Robby’s voice started to crack. He shook his head, trying to keep himself together.
“Permeant?”
“They won’t know until they get an MRI. Potentially.”
“Lena?” Jack looked over to the nurse. “Did the cops find the driver?”
Lena looked from Jack to Robby, looking to see if she should tell him. She acted like she had to look it up in the computer while she came to a decision.
“Um…yeah. Looks like it.” She sighed.
“What hospital did he go to?” Jack clenched his hands into fists.
“None. He was…he was uninjured.” She felt the rage radiate off of Jack. “He’s in custody, Jack. He’s getting taken care of. Don’t do anything rash.” She begged.
“I… I can’t feel my leg.” The words tumbled out of his mouth without a thought.
“Jack? Can you tell me where you are right now?” Robby felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up.
“Hospital.” He murmured.
“Which one?”
“Leave me alone.” He grumbled.
“Jack, let’s go somewhere quiet,” Robby begged.
“Need to go wait for her. She’ll want me there when she wakes up.” Jack stood heading for the elevator.
“I’ll go with you,” Robby said. “Lena, call me if you need me. Let John know he’s flying solo.” He ran after Jack.
The elevator brought silence, brought the weight crashing down on Jack’s shoulders. His back hunched under the heavy grief. The small bell that went off at each floor made his teeth hurt.
The doors opened, his chest unclenched. He walked up to the desk on the surgery floor. His footsteps echoed the halls.
“Dr. Abbot. We were going to call you. They’re finishing up with your wife. She’ll be in recovery soon.” A young woman at the desk smiled at him. She smiled and he felt his hands shaking. She gets to smile. You don’t. Why?
“I want to be there when she’s out of surgery.” He said.
“Oh. Well, when she’s out of recovery, we’re happy to bring you to her.” She stated. Jack could feel warmth in his hands, something wet dripping down his knuckles. He looked away, trying to keep his rage in check. The red caught his eye, the blood dripping from where his nails dug into his palm.
“No. I want to be there in recovery. End of story. Not a request. A demand.” His voice was low and calm in a way that sent a shiver up the woman’s spine.
“Jack.” Robby warned.
“I’ll inform the team. Have a seat, please.” She cleared her throat as she dialed a number into the phone.
The waiting room was empty. The liminal space made him feel like he wasn’t real. His mind was beyond his control. Bringing up memories he didn’t want to think about, didn’t have the heart to relive if she didn’t make it.
“I’m not asking for you to be a different person! I just want you to let me in!” You sat crying on the edge of his bed. Jack paced back and forth in front of you.
“I’m open! I tell you about my day, about my feelings!” He shouted.
“Oh please! You shut me out!”
“I don’t!”
“Jack! You can’t be honest with yourself! I don’t know how to be in this relationship anymore.” The words forced their way out. You hated that you had said them. You didn’t regret it.
“What…what does that mean?” He stopped in front of you. A look of betrayal and desperation on his face.
“It means that if you don’t make some changes, I’m not staying. I can’t keep doing this to myself.” You stood up and went to the bathroom, locking the door.
“I’ll do anything, please.” Jack mumbled.
“What?” Robby looked confused.
“Leave me alone.” Jack huffed.
“Not gonna happen.” Robby sighed.
Jack's skin felt too tight. His scrubs scratched at him in a way they didn’t normally. He felt wrong in the world. He wanted to claw at his arms until the pressure was released.
“Dr. Abbot, I’ll take you to your wife.” A young woman in blue scrubs came up to him.
“Thank you.” He coughed as he followed her. They didn’t speak as they walked the monotonous beige halls. She brought him into the open recovery bay. There were a few patients still there. His eyes landed on you immediately.
“She’s still asleep. I’ll get Dr. Finn.” The woman said.
Jack ran over to your bed. Walsh was finishing her post-surgery exam. He barely registered her existence. He stood at your side, hand hovering over yours.
“She’s a fighter, your girl.” Walsh murmured. “A liver lac like that would have taken most people out. The brain bleed on top of it, not sure how she made it. Must be as stubborn as you.” She huffed.
“Not stubborn, tough.” Jack said. He let himself take your hand. Walsh nodded, weighing the decision to push further and try to offer him condolences. She turned and left without a word.
“Dr. Abbot, I’m so sorry to be seeing you and your wife under these circumstances.” Dr. Finn walked up.
“Is she going to wake up?” Jack couldn’t wait any longer.
“The bleed was significant, the fractures caused a lot of bruising. The short answer is I don’t know. We got the bleed under control, but there was damage. If she does wake up, she won’t be the same.” Finn sighed, his arms crossed; he barely knew Jack. He felt like someone who knew him should be telling him all this.
“I just need her to wake up.” Jack mumbled.
“Abbot, you need to start making accommodations for her. If she wakes up, she’ll need physical therapy. She’s going to have to relearn everything.” Finn didn’t want to beat around the bush. Jack appreciated it.
“I’ll do whatever she needs. I’m not worried about that.”
“Jack, she’s not going to practice medicine again. You need to be prepared for how that will affect her mentally.”
“I just need her to wake up.” Jack felt himself breaking. The tears started to flow down his cheeks.
“Okay.” Finn sighed. “She’ll be transferred to a private room soon.” Finn left.
The sunlight hit Jack’s eyes with a painful warmth. He groaned and stretched in his recliner, his joints popping and cracking. He looked over to you, the tube still taped in. Your breath mechanical, eyelashes matted down with eye lubrication gel. He did his morning checks; vitals, asking you to move, asking you to squeeze his hand, asking you to come back.
“Morning.” Robby walked in with two coffees. He had taken to coming in at least an hour early to check on Jack, make sure he hadn’t walked off the roof.
“Hey.” He muttered.
“Got you a vanilla latte.” Robby handed the cup to him.
“Thanks.” Jack sipped at it.
“How is she?”
“The same. Always the same. But she’s still here. I’ll take it.” Jack sighed. Robby nodded, eyeing Jack like he was a ticking time bomb.
“You should go home and get some real sleep. Shave. You look like a bum.” Robby smirked.
“I showered here. I sleep in the chair. It’s fine.” Jack grumbled.
“You aren’t resting, Jack.”
“I don’t want to! I don’t want to do anything but sit here and watch her breathe! If I’m watching her breathe, she’s not leaving me!” Jack snapped. Robby looked at him, shocked. He couldn’t recognize his friend anymore. He didn’t blame him.
“Alright. Let me know if you need anything.” He cleared his throat as he left.
“If you keep snapping at people, you’ll have no one left.” You’re voice rang in his head.
“I don’t need anyone but you.” Jack held your hand, so cold. Your hands were always too cold.
“Talk to me, Jack.” You begged.
“I do talk to you.”
“I need to hear you, Jack.” Your voice cracked.
“Baby, I need you to come back to me. Please. I’m falling apart.” His lip trembled.
“You’d be okay without me, eventually.”
“No! No, I’ll follow you. You’d be so mad at me. I wouldn’t hesitate.”
“Don’t you say that, Jack Abbot! If you meet me too early, I’ll kill you again.”
“You’re everything. I’d burn the universe down if it meant staying with you.” He squeezed his eyes shut. His thumb tracing patterns on the back of your hand. He went to pull away when he felt it. Soft, subtle, your hand squeezing his.
“Baby?” His voice was small, afraid to let himself believe anything for fear of crashing out.
Another squeeze.
“Come back, Love.” He leaned closer to your face.
Another squeeze, hard this time. “I’m here! I’m right here, you can do it.” He didn’t care to stop the tears.
A groan never sounded so sweet. The sound would have sent him to his knees if he hadn’t been sitting.
“Love, you’re so close. I know you can come back. Please, Baby.” He was desperate.
Your eyes darted around under your eyelids. You fought the heavy exhaustion. It felt like you were pinned down, stuck in jello. You clamped down on Jack’s hand, moaning out his name, or trying to.
“You’re okay, you’re doing so well. Just keep fighting. Come on, Love.” Jack cupped your cheek.
Your eyes fluttered open, looking up at him. He felt his chest burst open, relief flooding over him. Tears fell down your temples.
“Oh, Sweetheart.” He sobbed. “I missed you.” He kissed your forehead.
You were in and out of consciousness for the next three days. Waking up, crying and passing out. You still hadn’t spoken, hadn’t given them much to work with. No one knew where your cognitive abilities were at.
Jack never left.
He held you as you cried, confused and in pain. He made sure you knew you were safe because he was there.
He was napping in his chair that was always pulled next to your bed. You were waking up again, slowly and with less fear. You tried to move your limbs to no avail. You felt the panic bubble up in your chest. You looked over to him, asleep.
“J…Ja…” You fought to form the words. Something stopping you from wrapping your lips around the sounds. “Ja…ck. Jaack.” You groaned. He shifted in his chair but didn’t wake up.
“Jack. Jack!” You sobbed. He bolted upright, looking you over.
“Love? What’s wrong?” He asked.
“Jack…” It was all you could manage.
“Holy shit.” Jack smiled. “That was great, Baby.” He kissed your forehead.
“H…h-helllp…” You croaked.
“Okay. I’ll help.” He nodded, pressing the call button. “Does it hurt?” He asked as he looked over your body. You shook your head.
“Dr. Abbot Wh-”
“Get Dr. Finn, she’s speaking.” Jack barked at the nurse.
The room was suddenly filled with people. All looking at you, over you, through you. They poked and prodded you. Asked you questions you couldn’t answer.
“Can you tell me where you are?” Dr. Finn asked.
You swallowed the bile building up in your throat. You fought to get the words out.
“P…PT…” The tears stung as your frustration grew.
“It’s okay, Baby. Take your time.” Jack stroked your arm, trying to reassure you.
“PTM…C…PTMC…” You’re voice cracked, the tears falling down your cheeks.
“That was good. You’re doing great.” Jack smiled.
“I think it’s a speech delay, I don’t think we’re looking at full intellectual delay. I won’t be able to tell until we can get your speech better. I’ll get a speech pathologist here and we can start your rehab, Mrs. Abbot.” Dr. Finn said as he tapped on his tablet.
“Doc…tor…” You groaned. The room suddenly felt heavy.
“Yeah, Baby. Dr. Abbot. He just slipped up.” Jack’s voice was stern as he shot Finn a look that could kill.
“Right. I’ll be back, I’m going to confer with some of my colleagues and get a team together for you.” He cleared his throat and ushered everyone out of the room.
The early days of speech therapy were fraught with tears and anger. You were frustrated that you couldn’t communicate, you couldn’t make anyone understand you. You tossed things across the room. Your temper became it’s own beast.
Jack never left. Not even when you dumped your mashed potatoes on his lap in a fit of rage.
“You wouldn’t leave me. I’m not leaving you. We’re in this together. Do what you need to do. I can take it.” He told you, kissing your forehead as you sobbed.
If speech therapy was hard, physical therapy felt impossible. It started out simple. The therapist came in, helped you move your limbs. It was almost relaxing. He had warned you that it would get hard. But the first day he told you to sit up on your own, made every workout and late night cram session for an exam look like a cake walk.
“Come on, Abbot. You can do this.” Lewis, your physical therapist, cheered. He stood in front of you, ready to catch you if anything went wrong.
“I’m trying…” You groaned, doing everything to will your muscles to work. You shook as you moved to sit up.
“What do we say about trying? Don’t try, just do it. Right?” He goaded.
“Shut up.” You hissed. It took you twenty minutes, but you sat up on your own.
“See! I know you got this!” Lewis smiled.
“I should…be able to…do it easy.” You sobbed. Jack rubbed gentle circles on your back.
“You will. I’m going to get you there. This is the hardest part: giving yourself grace. You doctors are so used to being in control of everything, you don’t know what to do when you aren’t. Stop fighting against yourself. Stop fighting with what you should be able to do and work on what you can do. That’s the only way this works.” Lewis nodded. “Now, I think I can wrangle up a popsicle as a reward for doing so well and only hating me a little. Sound good?”
“You’re…cocky.” You huffed.
“Well, you don’t want a timid PT.” He smiled.
“Lemon.” You smirked.
“You got it.” He winked and left.
“He is the best. Even if he’s a little full of himself.” Jack sighed, moving to help you sit back. You swatted his hands away.
“I can do it.” You groaned as you moved. He tried to hide the smile that crept up, watching you get back the tenacity he loved so much had him feeling warm.
“Hello Abbots!” One of your nurses, Sally, came in with your treat.
“Hello, Sally.” You mumbled.
“Getting smoother! I heard you sat up like a champ today.” She smiled, handing you the Popsicle.
“H-hell yeah.” You smiled.
“Whoa, the profanity! You don’t get clearance on those for another two weeks.” She winked.
“I gotta head downstairs for my shift. I’ll be back tomorrow. You’ll be okay?” Jack tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.
“I might…make a b-break for it.” You said.
“Well, if you can do that, I won’t stop you.” He chuckled as he kissed your cheek.
“Get out here, Jack. We’ve got a girls' night to start.” Sally gave his shoulder a pat as he walked by.
“Call me if you need me.” He said.
“We won’t.” You smiled. Sally lifted a bag onto your bed, pulling out face masks. Jack laughed to himself as he left.
He had only started going back to work when you begged him to, desperate to be on your own for just a few hours. Not to mention Gloria’s nagging. He didn’t mind too much, you were only upstairs. He trusted Shen and Ellis to hold the fort if anything happened. He’d still rather be with you.
“Hey, there he is.” Robby smiled. “I got a full board for you.”
“Great, thanks.” Jack rolled his eyes.
“How’s our girl doing?” Dana came around the desk, pulling him to face her.
“Good. Her speech is improving. She sat up by herself today. Progress.” Jack shrugged.
“You think she’ll let us see her soon?” Dana sighed. You had banned your coworkers from seeing you. You were too vulnerable, too embarrassed. You didn’t want them to see how you were now. Not when they knew who you were before, how strong you were. Jack had been trying to help you understand that no one would judge. It had been hardest on Dana. You two were peas in a pod; she was your best friend.
“I don’t know. Soon, I think. Most days, she doesn’t want me there.” Jack rolled his shoulders, trying to relieve the tension.
“I get it, I do. Just wish she’d let me help.” Dana nodded as she walked off.
“How are you holding up?” Robby asked.
“Fine.” Jack said. Robby cocked an eyebrow, looking at him like he did the med students when they stumbled through presentation.
“Come on. When was the last time you were home?” Robby crossed his arms.
“I don’t know. Does it matter? It’s fine! I’m sleeping, bathing and feeding myself. You can’t commit me.” Jack walked off to start his shift.
You were trying to write your name, an exercise that had proven harder than you thought, when there was a knock at the door.
“Jack, g-go to work.” You huffed, all your concentration on the overly large pen and paper.
“It’s me.” Dana poked her head in.
Your head shot up at her voice. Panic rose at the idea of her seeing you like this, bedridden and unable to write your name.
“No!” You snapped.
“Honey, please-”
“Go!” You threw the pen at her.
“No. I won’t.” She moved closer.
“I-I don’t want you here!” The tears stung your eyes.
“Honey, at this point I don’t give a damn!” She barked. “Now, listen to what I have to say and if you still want me gone, I’ll leave. Deal?” You thought for a second. You did miss her.
“Fine.” You looked away.
“I know you’re feeling too much right now, I don’t want to add to it. I want to help you. I want to help you, because I know you can get better, not because I pity you. You’re stronger than I’ll ever be. I know that every time Jack gives us an update. Mostly, I miss you.” Her voice cracked. “You’re my partner in crime, I don’t have anyone down there that I can be me with. Just you.”
“Robby.”
“Robby is my boss. It’s not the same.” Dana sat in the chair next to your bed. “Let me be here for you, the way you’re there for everyone. If for nothing other than that, Jack needs a break, too. He’s fraying, and I know you see it. I know you’ve been pushing at him because you don’t know what else to do right now.”
“I try to get him to go home.” You sigh.
“I know. Let me in. Please.” She reached for your hand.
“I’m scared.” The tears giving way.
“I know. Me too. But you’ll get through this.”
“I won’t be me.”
“You will. Just a different version.”
“I missed you.” You sobbed. Dana gathered you up in her arms.
“Sweetheart, I missed you so much.” She sniffled.
The day they finally released you to go home, you were so relieved. You were so tired of being in a hospital, of being poked and prodded constantly. You had started standing in therapy, but weren’t walking anytime soon. A fact that caused you such frustration that you had cried so hard you threw up on Jack's shoes one day.
“Alright, you’ve got everything? Didn’t leave socks anywhere?” Sally asked, her eyes misty.
“Yep. Ready to go.” You smiled.
“Gonna miss you up here.” She leaned in and hugged you.
“You can come visit downstairs.” You said. She squeezed harder. The conversation about you being able to go back to work hadn’t ended well. You had chosen to ignore it.
“I will. Be good. Don’t go crazy when you get home, you two.” She winked at Jack.
“Please don’t make dirty jokes at me while I get my wife in a wheelchair. It’s wrong.” Jack huffed. He got you settled in the chair.
“It’s my job, just like the blow jobs.” You smirked.
“Really?” He put his hands on his hips.
“Good for speech therapy.” You winked.
“Not falling for it.” He shook his head.
“Aw, you two are like a romcom. It’s disgusting. Get out of here before you make my gastroparesis patient throw up.” Sally laughed.
The elevator was quiet. The nerves took up too much room. You were scared of how life would be outside the hospital. Jack was terrified he’d fail you.
“I want to go through the ED.” You said.
“You sure?” Jack was taken aback.
“I want to see them.” You sighed.
“If you’re ready.” He put his hand on your shoulder, you entwined your fingers with his.
The doors slid open into the chaos of the ER. You had forgotten how loud it was, what a sensory overload it could be.
Jack pushed you out toward the central desk. Your hands were shaking again.
“Look who it is!” Perlah came running over to you. “You look so good!” She gave you a bear hug.
“I’ve been working out.” You smiled.
“I can tell, biceps of steel.” She chuckled. It took no time for the whole department to get distracted and rush over.
“No way!” “Dr. A’s here!” “You look great!” “I’m so glad to see you!” “We miss you!”
The more people said, the heavier it felt.
“Okay, okay. I get it, she’s cooler than me, but I’m still the boss. Get back to our patients, please.” Robby waved everyone off.
“Party pooper.” You chuckled.
“You come down here and completely derail my department; you forced my hand.” He smiled.
“Nerd.” You huffed.
“So glad your sense of humor is intact.” He rolled his eyes.
“On that note, let’s go home.” Jack laughed.
The ride home was just as quiet as the elevator. There was a buzz between you two, anxiety and excitement, fear and relief.
“I made some modifications. Just to make sure you were comfortable.” Jack cleared his throat as he pulled into the driveway.
“Oh?”
“I moved the bedroom downstairs in the office. Just thought it’d be easier, for both of us, actually. Did some modifications so you can get around when I’m not home.” He shrugged.
“Right.” You nodded, your throat tightened. Jack helped you into the chair and pushed you into the house.
It looked more or less the same. He had installed rails along every single wall. He seemed to believe you would walk someday. He pushed into the kitchen, he had built a new section of the counter that was lower so you could use it from your chair.
“You want something to eat? You barely had breakfast.” He asked.
“Not hungry.” You mumbled as you wheeled yourself away. The living room was the same except for the cart next to your side of the couch that was loaded up with anything you could need, from meds and equipment to water bottles and snacks.
You wandered past the bathroom and stopped. The bathroom had been a half bath, but now there was a new ADA accessible shower tub in it.
“You put in a new shower?” You whispered.
“I just want to make your life easier, if I can.” Jack shrugged. The tears started forming again as you wheeled towards the new bedroom. The bed was low to the ground, your side was decked out with all your potential needs. In the corner was brand new therapy equipment.
“We’ll be okay, right?” You looked up at Jack. His heart broke looking into your wide, misty eyes.
“I’m not giving up on us, ever.” He leaned down and kissed you.
The sweat stung your eyes. The way you muscles shook and strained disturbed you. You had been working for weeks to take one single solitary step. Lewis was offering encouragement but his voice faded into the background. You hated the sound of his voice as he tried to get you to be optimistic.
“You’re doing great.” Jack’s words broke through your thoughts.
“I-I c-can’t do it.” You whimpered.
“Yet. You will.” He hummed, his hand firm on the small of your back even though Lewis was supporting you and wouldn’t let you fall.
“Let’s call it a day.” Lewis said, guiding you back to your chair.
“Weeks of nothing.” You wept.
“It’s not easy and it’s not linear. You’ll have good days and bad days. You have to focus on the good things. Today seems like a failure because you’re focused on the step. You didn’t see how easy it was for you to get out of the chair, on your own, too.” Lewis handed you a water bottle.
“The first step is the hardest.” Jack said.
“What would you know!?” You snapped before you could realize what was coming out of your mouth.
“Just a little.” Jack chuckled.
“Oh…Jack.”
“Don’t worry. Baby, I said worse to everyone around me when I was going through PT.” He kissed your cheek. “As always, you’re better than me.” He got up and started wheeling you out of the room.
It had become routine that you would stop by the ED after PT. You missed the hustle, the chaos, being needed. You were having a hard time letting that part of yourself go. Being in the ER felt like being home in a perverse way.
“Don’t you look lovely this afternoon.” Dana smiled as she leaned in for a quick hug.
“How was therapy?” Robby leaned against the counter.
“Shit.” You huffed.
“She got out of the chair on her own; she’s just being stubborn.” Jack corrected.
“Still shit.”
“The way you never have trouble with the swear words brings me no end of joy.” Robby smiled.
“Dr. A, I wanted to thank you for that article you sent me. I started using that technique, and my intubations are smoother.” Dr. Mohan smiled as she walked by.
“Good. I’m glad.” You nodded.
“She’s got a TBI and still teaching your students better.” Jack snorted.
“Not much to compete with.” You laughed.
“Don’t you two have anywhere else to be?” Robby sighed as he walked away.
You missed the back and forth. You were glad that you could sass people again as your speech improved. Robby did not like it as much.
Your favorite part of your new routine was the after-therapy Indian takeout. You still struggled with holding utensils and your hands shook, you weren’t ready to eat in front of anyone. Jack never pushed it.
“You think you’d be up for a trip?” Jack set your plate in front of you at the table with your adaptive utensils.
“Trip? Where?” You started eating.
“I was thinking to the cabin. We haven’t been in a while.” Jack shrugged as he ate.
“I-I don’t know.” You hummed, nervous about navigating the woods in your chair. Anxious about being away from home.
“Just a thought. For our anniversary, that’s what we usually do. We can do something else.” He said, avoiding your eyes.
“Oh.” You had forgotten your damn anniversary. You had never forgotten it. You didn’t forget the big days. You remembered every birthday, every anniversary. You suddenly felt selfish. You were still having a hard time controlling your emotions, often having far bigger reactions than you should. The tears started flowing down your cheeks, it wasn’t until you coughed that Jack noticed.
“Honey, no. I didn’t mean to upset you. Baby, it’s okay.” He got up and pulled you close.
“I forgot, I’m selfish!” You sobbed.
“No, you’re not. You have never been selfish a day in your life.” He hummed.
“I’ve been too worried about me.”
“That is not true. You need to focus on yourself. I need to focus on you. I want to.” He held your face in his hands. “You are my only priority. That will never change.”
“I’m sorry.” You sighed, your hands running up and down his back.
“Nothing to apologize for.” He kissed you.
Weeks turned to months and your rehab wasn’t going as fast as you wanted. Everyone told you it was actually going well, but it wasn’t the pace you wanted. Jack spent most nights holding you as you cried. You tried to hide it from him, seeing how it broke him, but he could always read you. He never flinched. He never argued. When you shouted and raged, he took it all.
“Just leave me! Just go! You want to!” You shouted one night after a particularly difficult therapy session.
“You don’t get to say that to me! You don’t!” He snapped.
“There is no way you want to stay. I’m not what you signed up for. I can’t do anything on my own. I’m broken!” You sobbed. Jack put his hand on your cheek, you pushed him away, smacking his chest. He took it. Didn’t blink, just took it. Something broke in you, something that had been fracturing and threatening for too long. You threw hit after hit at him.
“Honey…”
“No! Get out! Go!” You screamed, hitting him. “I’m too broken! I’m not me anymore! I hate me, you have to hate me too!” Your hands smacking him. He broke. He finally had enough. He wrestled with you, trying to grab your hands. You screamed at him when he grabbed your hands and pinned them to your side.
“Listen-listen to me! I could never hate you! I will never hate you. You are not broken. You are healing and it’s painful and uncomfortable and I understand. But you do not get to look me in the eye and tell me I want to leave or that I hate you. When I saw you on that gurney…I was already planning on walking off the roof. I sat by your bed for days and I prayed. I prayed for the first time in decades. I did everything in my power to keep you with me. You are everything to me. If you aren’t here…I have no desire to live in this world without you. So, don’t you dare tell me I don’t want to be here!” He shook your shoulders, an inch from your face.
“…I’m sorry.” The words came out in a desperate whisper.
“I’m not going anywhere. I will do whatever it takes to convince you of that.” He held your face in his hands, his voice catching.
“It’s not fair. I’m like this and he didn’t even have a scratch.” You sobbed.
“I know. Prison was too good for him.” Jack growled. Every struggle you had made him think about the man that had done this. He would never get rid of that anger toward the stranger.
“He wasn’t even sorry.” You sniffled. You had only been forced to go to court one day of the trial, to give testimony. Jack was not allowed in the courtroom, at your request. You knew if he saw the driver he would have killed him with his bare hands. The driver didn’t even blink when he saw you. He didn’t show any emotion as you went over how the crash had changed everything.
“None of this is anything you should have to deal with.” He held you close.
You made progress, little by little. You were taking steps on your own, with no help. You had started going to therapy on your own. You wanted some sense of independence. Jack spent those days fidgeting around the ER, annoying Robby and Dana. Your moods were stabilizing. Things were getting easier, finally.
“You sure about this? It’s a big moment.” Lewis asked as you both took the elevator down to the ED.
“I want it to feel real. It won’t until I walk out of this building on my own.” You said, your hands shaking.
“Just take it slow. You’re doing good. I’ll be pissed if you ruin my good work.” He chuckled.
“Yeah, yeah.” You waved him off.
The elevator doors opened and you gripped the walker tighter as you started shuffling out.
“Slow, remember.” Lewis warned as he stayed close.
“Make me.” You smiled as you walked toward the hub. Everyone was hard at work per usual. Noses stuck in their charts and treatments.
“Hey, Dr. A.” Donnie said before doing a double take. “No way! Look at you!” He jumped to his feet.
“Well, look at that.” Robby lifted his head, seeing you walking towards the desk.
“What?” Jack turned to see you walking over to him. He was dumbfounded. He scrambled to his feet, looking like a cartoon character trying to get to you.
“Surprise you?” You smiled up at him.
“Thoroughly.” He chuckled, his eyes misty. “You didn’t say you were doing so well.”
“I didn’t want to put so much pressure on myself. I wanted to take my own need to please you out of it.” You shrugged.
“She’s stubborn, but she’s determined.” Lewis said, handing the wheelchair over to Jack. “She said that she is walking out of here today.”
“I am.” You nodded.
“Alright, let’s get out of here then.” Jack smiled.
“Hell yeah, Dr. A!” Ahmad yelled from across the ER. There was a small applause as you shuffled through.
“Oh please, don’t be so soft.” You huffed, everyone chuckled.
“Going to have to start calling you Flash, now.” Robby said.
“Wanna race?” You smirked.
“With my knees? Hell no.” He laughed.
You reached the threshold of the door, taking a deep breath before moving forward. You walked out of the hospital on your own two feet, after months of agony, you did it. Jack had to clear his throat in an attempt to not cry on work premises.
“It’s not close to over, but you did good. I’ll see you next week.” Lewis waved as he went back into work.
“Give that wheelchair before I fall over.” You laughed as you climbed into it. “That was exhausting.” You sighed. Jack kissed your cheek, tucking hair behind your ear.
“I’m so fucking proud of you.” His voice trembled.
“Thank you for not giving up.” You held his hand, giving it a quick kiss.
“You’re incredible. Lunch?”
“Yes, I’m starving. Oh! I got one more surprise for you.” You smiled.
“I don’t know if my heart can take it. We might need to turn around.” Jack sighed.
“I signed up for classes. I’m going back to school. I think I can still do something good, even if I can’t be a doctor the way I want. I think I can teach.” You felt more sure of yourself. It made Jack relax, his chest unwinding the tension.
“I think that’s a great idea.” He held your chin as he pulled you in for a kiss.
