I’m like...so sick of being alive????
I don’t really know what my purpose is, nothing really makes me happy anymore. I’m plugging away at school and work but I feel so fucking alone :(
and like, will moving away help? Will it actually help? Or am I just gonna end up in another place feeling just as misunderstood with no one around who gets it? With no one around who sees me as important?
I dunno. I found out that someone I went to school with and who was my friend for a time...I found out she died in 2019 and I didn’t even know about it. Is it cause I was too busy with fucking jackie to notice anything else? Then look at what jackie did to me. She cheated on me with a human garbage can and immediately moved on in with her after telling me (and everyone in a fb post) that we went “too fast” and how that was my fault.
Also I’m pretty sure my friend who died took her own life in some way or another. Be it intentional, or accidental. And she has a whole daughter and couldn’t find a reason to stay...
I don’t even have that. I don’t have kids, I’ll NEVER fucking be able to raise someone cause I can barely take care of myself. I walk through life in a depression daze and I come home and make sure I get as high as possible cause it’s the only way I can deal anymore.
I’m like maybe two-three weeks clean from opiates again. Yeah, I fucked up again with the h because it’s been so hard. It’s hard when someone you LOVED throws you away. It’s hard watching your girlfriend fall in love with someone else in front of your eyes. And you try to stop it but you can’t. So you just stop trying. Cause you were never good enough. And then she leaves you and immediately moves in with the bitch and they post awful shit about you on Facebook. And ON TOP OF THAT you can’t even get your stuff, including your collection of vintage handheld games and b-horror collection, because her fucking step father decided to try to be a tough guy with me and I ripped him to fucking shreds with my mean scorpio mouth.
At least I’m clean?? I’ve been using red Kratom and I smoke medical weed so like not really. But at least I’m off the fucking pain pills and god knows whatever else I was piling into myself. Kratom has actually been ridiculously helpful because it keeps my feet/legs from cramping up which was the thing that was really keeping me from stopping because it’s *so fucking painful*
The shitty thing too is that I’m always always in a massive amount of pain. I might be gluten intolerant or have fibro but doctors stress me out so much that I just stop bothering with them.
I don’t miss sex at all or anything like that and I don’t know why but I do miss like having a fucking friend. Having someone waiting for me to come home and helping me out with stuff. It sucks going through life with no one to really talk to except your therapist. I miss going on drives and laughing with someone and talking about stupid music and shit. I miss hiking with someone who can keep up with me.
Idk man. I don’t know what to do.