Actually a nice post for once, but I do have to add trigger warnings (sorry) 😅
Tw: gender dysphoria, internalized transphobia and toxic masculinity, self-gaslighting and hatred, mental health, and family issues
Since coming out as transmasc and agender… I’ve been feeling so much better about myself. Not completely, but there’s not as much disgust towards my gender as there was before.
Admittedly… I wasn’t happy being FULL trans. I got nothing against trans men/women (seriously, y’all are awesome), but I’m not that. As problematic as it sounds, I came out as trans because… I thought I needed to. It made sense at the time, especially since the people I looked up to were also trans after being nonbinary for years
That’s… where the problem was
I was so desperate to be accepted that I inadvertently jeopardized my own life in the process. I… think it goes without saying that my whole family sucks. Literally nobody is gonna be on my side if/when I come out, so I will be alone… and the thought of that kills me. As much as they’re terrible people, in my head, being alone is so much worse, even if it is for the best. That being said… I didn’t want to lose anyone else either… and I took it way too far.
I hated that I wasn’t fully masc like some of my friends, or I did stuff that was too girly. I kept having the thought that I wasn’t a man (not entirely wrong) but I just kept shoving it down because admitting defeat (again, bear in mind I’m not in the best headspace here) meant losing everything
Well… eventually came the breaking point. I came to the realization that I don’t actually know anything about myself. And that terrified me. I managed to work through it a bit, and one of the things I finally came to was that I might not be anything. Yeah, I wanted to look and even be a boy, but not all the time. Sometimes, having someone look at me and say “wtf is THAT?!” felt more affirming lol.
So… yeah. That’s basically it.
I know my journey isn’t done. Self love is a new concept to myself, and I struggle to even see why people care about me when I can’t see anything worth loving. And I have a LOT to work through. But at the very least, I don’t have THIS weighing on me all the time. I don’t feel pressured to act like a guy all the time, or push out things for people to like me as much.
. Since painkillers were what got me through the. That. I think my brain has started to associate oral painkillers with. That
It's become very difficult to make myself take the painkillers I need to. Even injections are hard at this point because it reminds me of some of the. You didn't ask this for details
Either way the best I can do without something going wrong is those topical painkiller creams. They don't do much but. It's more than I can usually do
. I'm probably only upset today because I tried to take oral painkillers. I'll be fine tomorrow. It's probably not even that big of a deal
