I dreamt of Ummachi today, after so long. I think all the festering guilt in me pooled into this dream...as a punishment, a gentle punishment, a heartbreaking one. in the dream she was still alive, i was on a phone call with her, i was supposed to meet her I think. in the dream she passed away, yet she stayed on the phone line, lingering, crying, telling me it’s too late, i can’t meet her, there’s no point heading over there...she was crying on the phone, she was saying that she had passed away, and that she loved me.
Ummachi, I’m sorry for not remembering you, for forgetting you, for actively trying to forget you. it was stupid of me to assume that writing about you fictitiously would help me cope, would ease my conscience, i...i gave up on trying to be good. i gave up on trying to be better for you, on trying to conquer the fear, the weight in me, that feeling of...of wanting to sit and be consumed rather than act. i...i wish i could see you again, i want to smell you again, i am crying again. where are you ummachi? would you come in my dreams again? would you talk to me? would you forgive me? why was life better then ummachi? why do i feel like i am just dying every second in this one? i want to be a child again Ummachi. i want to be your malukutty again.