#understanding fitha

[fitharizki]

Thing is: I hate myself, a lot.

I just do. I don't want to be me. I wish for a lot of things, which never happen to me. Things rarely go my way.

I am tired. I want to do something violent. I am not satisfied with myself. If I were a rock, I would step on it several times and throw it to the sea.

I wish the world to stop.

[fitharizki]

this wouldn't be the first time nor the last that I think I hope death doesn't hurt I hope heaven isn't out of reach

[fitharizki]

You feel betrayed because they hide things from you. Still, it's not your place to be angry because sometimes you try hiding things too. It's sad because it's like you don't know each other at all. It's sad because that means your friend do not trust you enough. It's sad because in front of you they still pretend to be someone else whilst you have bared yourself.

[fitharizki]

this is not a poem im too lazy to write properly in an ipad

Sometimes i wonder do you even know me at all because i know myself the best and you assumed things about me which arent true and that my dear friends get old very fast and annoying if you judge me from my expression if you dont think i meant every word that i said you shouldve known im a person of layers you shouldve known im a big softie at heart you shouldve known im as fragile as everybody is to words even more than some people you shouldve known i think too much you shouldnt assume things about me you should have known i hate it when people said chill out to me because dude im very chill right now im just stating my opinion if someone else said the same thing you wouldnt say the same thing and think its normal you gave me labels i think after all you dont know me at all

[fitharizki]

i'm so tired of being me

[fitharizki]

Death is very neat isn't it.

Lately I wish I'm dead.  Because I'm so tired tired tired and there's no way to go and to escape to and just- I don't know. 

I wish I'm dead, but at the same time I don't want to because death isn't a pretty thing.  There is a life after death, one that goes forever, one that doesn't allow you to die for a second time if you mess up in your life, because you don't do enough good.

I wish I'm not as sinful as I am right now, because then I would be able to wish I'm dead without feeling any remorse about it.

[fitharizki]

in leaving

You are very familiar with splitting up with your friends to far far away places.  It always happens, every time: you grow up, they grow up (maybe we don't at all), you change, and they change (a fact).  You don't change alongside with them, so when you meet up again after a long time you feel the differences between the old friendship and the new one, so unsubtle, this changes; you're more than upset with it but you can't get mad because it's no one's fault. 

Perhaps it's your fault.  More than often, it's your fault, because you're the one who left.  It's always you who left. 

Almost- you're filled up with envy.  Envy to people who are beside your friends, watch them change and turn to someone else you don't quite know anymore.  You want to be them.  It's ugly.  You hate it.  You wish you don't care that much, but you do.

You feel it, when you talk to your friends (are they, still?).  The silence that now hangs awkward in the air.  When you don't understand anything that comes out of their mouth, but smile anyways because you want to keep the semblance of normalcy.  When they order a menu that wasn't there the last time you visit the restaurant you're sitting in. 

You blame yourself.  You're the one who left, after all.

[fitharizki]

osjur #1

If there is one thing that I can say about osjur--ospek jurusan, ospek itself stands for study orientation and campus introduction, if taken word by word--that would be this: there is no grey area.

That truth is only one, and it is absolute.  Kaderisasi--regeneration, crudely speaking--is black and white.  If you're wrong, just by one teeny tiny mistake, you'll suffer from the consequences.  If you're right, then you are right. 

(That, however, rarely happens.  A fact: seniors tend to actively look for mistakes- every single thing is criticized over, word by word, much like one who peels an onion's skin slowly, layer by layer.)

It's not a bad thing, really.  I sure don't hate it, but I don't really agree with it either.  Things just get tedious and frustrating after a while, because: 1. You're not in as an individual, but a group.  If one person does something wrong, the rest will be punished along with him.  There are people who just don't care and they don't even try to be better.   (Guys. Grow up and grow a pair, please.  I'm begging you very nicely.) 2. I do not need to be force-fed nor coddled to get things into my head.  I am fully aware of myself and very conscious of my own actions. 

Again, I need to stress this: osjur is not necessarily bad.  I had fun, sometimes.  And maybe the world is as black and white as that (though I wish people do not have the urge to agonize over small things I'm sure as hell actually unnecessary and unimportant)- because the world is much like a void to me as of now, full of unknowns and road not taken and what's worse that it's sucking me in, inch by inch.  And I do not have the power to stop it.  

Well- no, not really- I'm taking that back-- the world does have grey areas, but when you get to work professionally, maybe it is indeed this stark contrast exists. 

The entire process of regeneration really does mean well, however.  I would probably do the same if I'm on the seniors' place, because what on earth else I could do?  There's always rules and cultures about this thing, if I'm doing it one step wrong, man, I wouldn't have survived another day.  What I'm annoyed with is the sheer amount of people who act like they're better than anyone else, be it the seniors or the juniors. 

You're not better than anyone else.  Everybody is different, and they have their good points which might be better than yours.  You're just a grain of sand on a beach- you would never be right about every single thing, and you have to learn to accept that people have different opinions about everything and you can't force yours on others. 

(I'm not pointing any fingers here- I'm saying this for myself and everybody.  Because sometimes I forgot that I'm not better than anyone else, too.)

Welp.  Got to go, I've got a Cost Estimation power point to make.  See you around, guys.