Once again, I know this blog has fallen into disuse because. We really need to get on following more plural blogs. But there is a very ephemeral thing I want to discuss.
Identity.
Perhaps it's because we have so much dissociation but sometimes puzzling out identity is impossible and it's always frustrating.
But something I think is even harder is when you realize that you're a relatively new addition to the system but you've just been hiding beneath blurriness.
Twice in such a short span of time this has happened to us.
Then when we finally sort out enough of the identity crumbs and realize it's someone who hasn't established one of their own yet... It's a very strange feeling. It's hard to have an innate sense of identity like some head mates do when you don't realize you exist for days, weeks or even months after the fact.
How do you establish an identity where there is so little? When all you can say is "well, I know I like these things and not these. I know I'm not this person or that one." How is one to decipher a sense of personhood out of only speech patterns and interests? How do you create a positive out of a negative?
It's confounding. It's exasperating. It's one of the hardest things we deal with and there's no one to talk about it with. No one understands. We can't risk telling them about our plurality. Our psychologist may know but we can hardly call her up at any hour of the day.
What even is an identity? Is it simply a construction to separate oneself from all the others? Is it supposed to be innate? It certainly isn't for us. Does it truly mean anything? Or is it only a way to sort out the crumbs of a shattered brain?
Many questions to be had and no answers.