I have the same thoughts circling my mind and I’ll just try to get this one out. Although I say this so much to people, I just keep saying it and thinking it. I’ve never been so committed to anything until UPro. Goodbyes were never that hard for me, probably because I was never that attached. After high school a group of my friends decided we would always be there for each other in college and stay connected. While this stands true, it’s inevitable that people will grow apart. We don’t constantly see each other so we weren’t each others’ priorities anymore. I felt like a lost puppy because of that...I’d lost my support system. I was very lonely during my freshman year of college and because of that, plus the pressure of the new environment, and the pressure of not knowing what my purpose was, it was a struggle. I joined UPro and the only thing I looked forward to during freshman year was going to UPro practice. I could go somewhere where a bunch of friends, or really a family, could come dance together. Didn’t really make close friends in the dorm or in classes. No interest in classes. And no, I wasn’t that close to everyone on the team, but at least I felt some sense of belonging. And that might’ve contributed to why I wanted to give back to the team.
I started choreographing because I had to for callbacks and second cuts, and then joined baby eboard. I felt like...it’s dance, it’s something I’m passionate about and comfortable in, so now I feel comfortable stepping up, it’s college, try new things, who’s there to judge? I had never been a leader ever before. Never really stepped up to do anything (well ran for chorus president or whatever in fifth grade but that didn’t go well so I never really stepped up for anything else after that). It was my time to do something. Joined baby eboard and found out about the struggle and conflict within the team, which as a newbie, of course I hadn’t known about before. But even with that, I still felt like the team was like a family. People still looked out for one another in ways that I’ve never experienced before and definitely cared about each other. It wasn’t the best family, but it was one and that really paved the path to how UPro is as a team now. So most of eboard left (due to previous rules and team ideologies that I don’t need to talk about in this post). The team needed to be rebuilt so I was basically thrown into the water. I was definitely willing to be on eboard and willing to choreograph, but I had no idea what I was doing.
It was not easy. I’d never had problems working with people before, but eboard changed that. I was new to teaching and the only methods I knew were from my Chinese dance teacher (some good but definitely not the best ways to teach). To be honest, I was very inspired by Paul Ross when he came to teach UPro...I learned a lot about how to treat students and I learned a lot about musicality, and he really inspired me to want to keep learning, thanks Paul. Every eboard is different too. There’s so much to consider when you’re running a dance team and a show, and so priorities get switched around when different people lead, and some things might get left behind...so the team will ALWAYS have something to complain about. PSA to any dance team members, please appreciate your leaders, they do so much for you, more than you can imagine, and please just make their lives a little easier. Or not. Anyways. Where was I.
A lot of my stress came from eboard and OVRDRV planning. After I switched majors, school wasn’t bad at all, sophomore year wasn’t so bad, or not that I remember (besides Art History, but for the most part, I liked studio classes and they were somewhat manageable). Of course, I used a lot of my time and energy towards UPro rather than school, so I regret not really fulfulling my potential in design, but that’s also another conversation.
This was also around the time when people were on multiple Boston teams, or switching around from team to team in order to better themselves as dancers. Yea, I’ve thought about trying out for another team to see if I’d get on...but first that’s scary, and also, I decided to commit to UPro. It was falling apart because people were leaving and had different goals, so why would I do the same to it? I owed the team and I wanted to help so if you want to see something happen, go do it, right? I could also still learn and grow by being on this team, it’s not like they were stunting my growth or anything. You can learn something from everyone. Maybe it’ll be harder because I’m not learning from more experienced dancers, but I could grow through my own choreography in some weird way and really just know how to learn during the workshop opportunities that did come around. And who says you can’t earn respect in the dance scene when you’re only on a college team?
Many members would come and go, or take semesters off. I knew that I would never take a semester off...I was too attached to the team. I had little interest in studying abroad...I didn’t find it necessary since I had traveled a lot in high school, and Boston was already a new location, and my GPA wasn’t even good enough, and I also didn’t want to leave UPro. Yes, the team caused me a lot of struggle and stress. But just because something makes you struggle doesn’t mean you need to let it go. There’s was too much reward in the time to come.
Honestly I feel like I had it easy in terms of leadership. I was basically guaranteed positions because no one else really wanted to step up, and the team was still being rebuilt. So I was lucky to have two years of presidency. I’m not the best president. I’m such a mess. All over the place. Mentally, college really broke me down, and so it was really hard for me to pull things together. And I’m not an organized person usually in terms of time management (I do like to be organized with my belongings though haha). And also, I am not a loud person. My voice is not loud. It takes a lot of energy for me to just project my voice when I’m leading or teaching, and everything was just always tiring. Also pulling together the energy to be presentable, and not negative, to the team takes a lot. Probably not always successful, but I tried. I don’t know if I knew what I was doing, but I tried. And at least I had an eboard to help me along, because I cannot do anything alone. There are a lot of other people who would make better leaders than myself, but I hope know I did what I could for the team and I’m so so proud of how much this team has grown since I’ve been a part of it. That sentence didn’t really go in the direction I had planned.
UGH this post is all over the place. Props to you if you’re still reading, wow. What was I talking about? This team has given me...basically my whole college experience. I’ve been through many different versions of this team, but their energy is so vibrant. I come home to these quiet suburbs and instantly a part of me has been left behind in Boston because of the energy of the people around me...people on this team are so passionate, compassionate, inclusive, and just fun. Open minded and dependable. I honestly have had some problems learning how to accept familial love and always questioned it (even though my family is very supportive), but UPro became my family. I felt a little more accepted, a little more supported, a little more understood. Obviously I’m not besties with every single person on the team, but for the most part, everyone on the team holds so much respect for every other member, and I honestly love UPro’s team dynamic. We know we’re all there for each other, and to learn from each other, and to have each other. (I say this for the most part, of course, life isn’t perfect, but still the dynamic is pretty darn good. In my eyes. To me. I might be delusional, who knows).
It means so much when all these people show up to practice excited to see each other, excited to dance with each other, and willing to listen to you and learn from you. I just really cannot fully (wow, English?) express how much UPro means to me. I don’t wake up for a lot of things. If I’ve slept through a whole day of classes, I would at least wake up to go to practice. I’ve seen this team grow so much in the past four years...from 23 members to 12 members back to 23 members. From a “stepping stone” team to a college team that people are starting to take notice in. From just that Asian team to our first time placing in a competition (SYTBUCD doesn’t count).
I’ve gained connections with people on the team that I never knew possible. College was a lonely struggle and then three years in I finally find some type of support system again. And leaving all of this breaks my heart.
In this post I really just want to express how painful it is to leave this team for me. Hopefully I’ve been able to explain a little bit why they mean so much to me. I know we’ll keep in touch, but like I said, now I know from experience that people grow apart. It won’t be the same. I won’t be able to see their lovely faces everyday at practice anymore, or whenever they decide to stop by stuvi on their own. Won’t get to dance with them all as a team again. I’m not ready to lose another support system I had just made. I’m not ready to experience my first few years of real work life the same way I had to struggle through my freshman year of college. This post is really sad...but I guess I’m just super proud of how much this team has grown and it really hurts to leave because I will truly, truly miss them.
