Just Recently I’ve finally subjected myself to talking about my paranoia. Something I’ve never openly stated about myself to anyone. Maybe because I wasn’t aware or maybe because I was denying the facts, but Doing so was one of the scariest, and most difficult things I’ve ever done or tried to explain to someone. It came with a lot of tears, confessions, and anxiety. None the less, the talk happened and that in itself was a HUGE accomplishment to me. I’m Taking this accomplishment a step further by opening up about it and talking about the ways I’ve coped with this mind tricking..... condition, and where it came from in the first place.
Being paranoid isn’t just the thought someone is out to get you. It’s not just a fear that something bad is going to happen. It’s a lot more complex than just that. Being a paranoiac comes with a lot of baggage. It’s actually more exhausting than most people realize. Being paranoid is never being able to go in public normally. It is CONSTANTLY analyzing your surroundings. It is ALWAYS knowing where the threats lie. It’s moving without being seen but still seeing everything. It’s watching what’s in front of you but listening to what’s behind you. It’s your mind constantly running and making up “what if” scenarios in your head that you know will never happen, but needing to be prepared for it anyway. It’s lashing out at the guy behind you because you prepared him to be a threat, but was actually just a fellow shopper tapping your shoulder to return something you dropped behind you. It’s believing ANYONE at any moment is going to be the one to get you. Being paranoid is preparing for the worst without any evidence or reason to believe the worst is even coming. It’s a lot of battling yourself on what’s realistic and what’s not, and then seeming crazy to others that are subjected to all your nonsense. It’s knowing it IS nonsense but still not being able to turn it off.... because...well, what if? Being paranoid is never trusting anything or anyone, but still trying to live a normal life around it. Being paranoid is hiding your paranoia all together. It’s buying lipstick for your doors instead of your lips so you’d know if anyone came in. It’s balancing coins on window sills and a padlock on your bedroom door, outside AND inside. And self medicating because you’ve never had the chance to explain it to someone who will listen. It’s a lot to live with...
I’ve lived with this unjustified,maybe even unrealistic, extreme distrust in people for about 15 years now. I’ve never even openly talked about it until now. Recently I’ve come to believe that keeping it in has actually been really destructive to my own peace of mind and mental stability. I think a lot of my paranoia stems from what started as PTSD, and never getting the help I probably needed with that. over time I subconsciously developed my own ways of coping that probably weren’t the most healthy. Looking at this piece of me through a different lense has been eye opening.
There’s so many stories that tie into this post it’s almost impossible to know where to begin so eventually after I’ve written most of these short posts I’d like to put them all in chronological order and publish them in that fashion to give you guys as my readers a better understanding of how I’ve become this way. It will take time but if you keep with me until I’m through I will have written a book of my life in segments....And I honestly cannot wait to share it as a whole one day.
I’m not sure where I go from here or how I’m going to continue to grow from this. Just talking about it I think has been a step in the right direction. Being that it’s been 15 years with this I don’t think that it will ever completely subside but I think learning more about it and just being aware and noticing my own patterns and behaviors will help manage the symptoms. I’ve finally come to terms with seeking help from others with this. Even though the trust isn’t there now, doesn’t mean it can’t be built.
I’m going to be continually taking steps until I get where I’m going. This is only my beginning.