Ahem. Mmm. Okay. Here we go.
-Vampire Butler Application (cover letter, sealed with blood of course)-
It is my greatest pleasure to introduce to you…. Myself. As an offering, that is. I am hereby applying to the position of your head vampire butler. I have over 500+ years experience in being a vampire, and nearly the same amount of experience in… well. Pleasing people.
I come to you kneeling with a lowered head, begging for this position. Should I not be accepted, I shall spend the rest of my immortal life in a cave in a cliff, weeping bitterly and yelling at garlic.
Enclosed in this application is the thing most precious to me: a necklace with a small vial of the last bit of human blood I ever had. It’s been my coveted possession all these years, proving that I used to be more than this. But now, it is a gift. For you. I know you will understand its significance. (This is not bribery) Also enclosed is a check for 8 million US dollars. (This IS bribery).
I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for considering me to be your best vampire.
Hi, Jack. Your application's been received 😌
The blood vial and the… suspiciously large check have been logged under 'evidence' and 'potential bribery attempt.'
Your gift is appreciated🩸
Your dramatic kneeling has also been noted and filed under standard vampire behavior. Additionally, your 500+ years of experience have greatly strengthened your candidacy...
You're accepted as head butler. Please refrain from yelling at garlic during work hours.
