Vatternrundan 2016: Pre-ride nerves
Feeling pretty overwhelmed right now and I'm not exactly sure why. Vatternrundan is in a few hours, and I'm feeling apprehensive. Maybe it's because I'm still tired from the six day cycle tour from Oslo Airport it took to get here. Maybe because I've got saddle sores and mosquito bites in inconvenient places. The feeling that my kit, washed in unknown detergent, might bring me in a itchy rash isn't helpful. And perhaps my ego is just preparing myself the inevitable battering it'll take in riding with people I'm going to struggle to keep up with. I'm doubting my choices of kit, luggage, fuel, even if they are based on thousands of miles of Audax. The weather forecast is bad and I'm struggling with a weight of expectations... Perhaps mostly my own. Feel like other people could drop out of this ride because it's hard, it's long, and rainy with 150km of intense headwinds. But if I do, it'll be confirming the fact that I'm too fat, too unfit and just generally a big bloody idiot ignoring the fact that she's just not good enough. Sadly it also needs to be admitted that doing this with my family is a massive source of anxiety. My parents, as much as they are awesome and I love them, are pretty much the mainline of my body shame. When I finished the Chirk 200 with my dad in March, despite not struggling as much as him, he quickly tried to start talking to me about when I will loose weight. Cycling is a source of contentment and pride in my body and its abilities. But it seems like integrating my family into this rewarding hobby has undermined its capacity to shore up my delicate self esteem. Pragmatically, this is what I need to remind myself: You have cycled further in more difficult conditions. (Example: started Windsor Chester Windsor 600 knackered from Spurn Head 400 the weekend before. Didn't finish, but smashed the first 300.) It's going to be a challenge that just needs to be completed, it's not a race. It'll be nice to finish with my friends, but I we part ways, somewhere amongst the 23,000 other participants I will find a group going my pace. Wish me luck and weather that is better than that forecast. Hoping that by dragging my demons into the light, they'll evaporate and not undermine what should be a brilliant, if challenging, 300km ride.
