Made dinner again tonight and it made me laugh because it was, yet again, salmon and rice with veggies. It’s so easy, and Nancy can help with a lot of it, but this time…I made a quick cheats dill sauce! That’s progress lol.
Ponytail Dib AU scene concept: Zim trying to distract Dib from going on about depressing shit by speaking of his past life on Irk, safe in the knowledge that Dib won’t remember anything that could be used against him come morning:
———-
Dib, sitting against the couch in Zim’s house yet again, legs splayed open on the floor as he lazily eats a slice of pizza. Zim’s sitting right across him, legs resting on Dib’s, his back against a large machine. He’s adjusting a piece of the tech attached to it and running his mouth.
Zim:… And that’s when Zim knew he was being SABOTAGED!! But after gathering my evidence and bringing it to my supervisor, she had NO CHOICE but to see that I was RIGHT! VICTORY FOR ZIM!!
Dib, snorting: Wow, so you weren’t always a screwup? That’s a surprise.
Zim, offended: Excuse me?! I am NOT nor was I EVER a screwup! The NERVE to even SUGGEST—!
Dib, chuckling: C'mon, you gotta admit you’re not the best at what ya do. I mean, maybe nowadays your…your plans are more…better put together, but back when I was a kid? Half the time you’d sabotage yourself
Zim, gasping with indignation: Would NOT!
Dib: Would too!
Zim: LIES!!
Dib: Bro, c'mon, I’m wasted as fuck right now and I still can remember that shit.
Zim, blushing at the nickname: W-well.. maybe! But it’s not my fault!! I wasn’t given any proper briefing on this mission before arriving, there weren’t even any scouting notes for me to look at! Had to figure everything out on my own!
Dib, smiling mischievously: That still doesn’t account for like half of your screwups.
Zim, groaning: Oh quit it already! You wouldn’t do this any better than me, mister Judgy McJudge!
Dib: You don’t know that. Bet I could take over the world way faster than you if I wanted to.
Zim, grinning as he noticed the chance: Well, why don’t you try then? Cuz I’m starting to think the reason you don’t wanna take me up on my offer to join forces is because you think you’re not cut out for the job.
Dib, hastily swallowing more pizza, noticing the bait and refusing to take it: S-so you said you’d…that you were... an…Elite Soldier… before?
Zim, immediately distracted by the chance to talk about past achievements: Oh yes, one of the best ones in fact! Graduated with honors despite my height!
Dib: Oh yeah, I remember you guys had some kinda hang-up around heights… And you say you were one of the best? Despite how much you screw up? *he chuckles*
Zim, hurt but not wanting to show it: Well, Zim has always been a huge asset to the Empire! My superiors could clearly see that, whatever… drawbacks I might have had were nothing compared to the benefits of having a GENIUS like me around!
Dib, reaching for his flask: I thought most of your people hate…hated you.
Zim, ignoring another sting: Well the envious ones sure do, but not all of them are blinded by my achievements! Some of them valued me for who I am, I even had admirers!
Dib, almost spitting his drink out: You had…you had admirers??
Zim, surprised by his reaction: Yeah, most any Elite Soldier had some kicking around at least. We’re the best the Empire has to offer, others do well on looking up to us!
Dib, chuckling: Not sure how many can actually look up to you though *he mumbles*
Zim: What was that?!
Dib, walking back on his words: So, when you say you had admirers, you mean like…one? Sm… smeet?
Zim, utterly offended: Excuse me?? A smeet can’t be allowed into an Admirer Circle, that’s for adults only!! And for your information I had twelve of them! Thirteen, even, if I recall correctly.
Dib, trying to wrap his head around the number: Thirt—… thirteen…*counting with fingers* That’s over ten, correct?
Zim, almost tempted to laugh at his inebriation: It’s three plus ten. Most other Elites had more… a couple thousands each *he whispers in a cough, trying to mask the number* but I had enough with my lot! They can be annoying in too large a group!
Dib, grabbing more pizza, unable to believe Zim would be happy with a tiny group of admirers: Annoying how?
Zim, groaning: Ugh, they would follow around on my off days, ask for autographs, try to polish my shoes, buy me food, sing me praises… Don’t get me wrong, Zim’s always happy to accept praises, but they could get overbearing at times… *he sighs, nostalgic* The sex was nice though.
Dib, eyes growing wide, almost choking on his pizza: SGSGJKGS..JHHAH…!! *pounds on his chest, coughing* Did you…D-did you just— …Sex????
Zim, a little worried at his performance: Yeah? Why else would we let them be all over us on our days off? It was nice to have something casual, get to top for once. They were all very eager to please…
Dib, red like a tomato, brain suddenly bombarded with questions about Irken sex: I…uh… I always thought you…you were…a… virgin?
Zim, frowning: Virgin… Virgin… Oh! Is that the word humans use to describe someone who’s not been initiated in sex, despite being of age?
Dib, nodding, feeling a tightness of shame inside: That’s… that’s the word.
Zim, smiling: HAH! There’s no such thing as a “virgin” in our race! We all practice among each other during our formative years. We may all be birthed by cloning and unable to lay on our own anymore, but sex is still fun and serves many social purposes.
Dib, feeling suddenly down: S-so you…how…how old are you?
Zim, antennae flopping in annoyance: Well that’s a rude thing to ask. I’m over a hundred, that’s all I’m gonna say.
Dib, overwhelmed and depressed: Woah… You must have had lots of sex throughout your life then.
Zim shrugs: Yeah, guess so.
Dib sighs: You’re actually less of a loser than I am. That’s… encouraging.
Zim, gears turning in his head: Wait, so you…*antennae perk up as his eyebrows raise* You’re actually still a “virgin”?!
Dib, face red and full of shame, just nods.
Zim, cackling: Oh wow, you are! Of course you are, I’ve followed your every move for years now and never found you with a playmate. That’s… is it normal for humans to be… “virgin”?
Dib, taking another swing of his flask: Not at my age it isn’t.
Zim, gears still turning as he recalls what he knows about human sexuality and Dib’s sexual history (or lack thereof): So… Being a “virgin” in your society is looked down upon, correct?
Dib just scoffs and looks away: Ugh, look, I just… I just never… It was never a priority… All my classmates were always such dicks and like, scared of me n’ shit, and I don’t have time to so…socialize at work… And I’m too broke to get a h-hooker so… It don’t matter much to me *he says, looking like it mattered a lot*
Zim, suddenly realizing his chance, feeling the blood in his veins run hot: Well if that's how you feel then so be it, but in the case that it did happen to matter… maybe there could be a way for Zim to help you…stop… being a “virgin” *he finishes, reaching for Dib’s groin with a foot and starting to gently massage the area.*
Dib, confused, not yet registering what is happening: Uh…h-how?
Zim just smiles, pressing his boot a little more and gesturing to it with his head. Dib lets out a surprised little gasp, finally looking down at himself.
Dib: …the fuck are you doing.
Zim, frustrated: You know, I think I’m starting to understand how is it possible for you to still remain a “virgin” *he presses yet again, trying to get a response. Dib’s legs seem to part a little more, making him want to jump out of his skin in excitement*
Dib, chuckling, growing a bit tense: Uh, I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re gonna get it awake. I’m not… My… dick doesn’t get hard when I’m this wasted. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Zim, antennae flopping, motion of the foot slowing but not stopping: Should I bring this offer forth once you’re sober, then?
Dib, chuckling even louder: If you tried this when I’m sober I’d probably… probably… ram your head against a wall. Wouldn’t believe you wanna do anything but attempt to kill me in some way.
Zim, a little taken aback, boot slowly stopping: And you don’t think I’d attempt that now?
Dib shrugs, taking another sip from his flask: Yeah, but right now I don’t care about the risk of death. Might as well get that over with, honestly.
Zim, frustrated, not wanting to lose the chance: Well if the problem is that you can’t…“get it hard” then maybe we could do it another way? *he begins to massage again, scooching closer to Dib and landing a hand on his thigh* You don’t have to top for it to still count, right?
Dib, blushing hard as Zim begins to close the distance: Uh…wah?
Zim, stroking his thigh as well now, antennae vibrating reflexively: You heard me.
Dib, growing anxious, body beginning to shake from the prolonged stimuli: You’re… joking… right?
Zim, breathing heavily, pressing his foot and bringing his hand higher up Dib’s thigh: Absolutely not. *he gets his face closer to Dib, eyes looking deep into him* Please. I can help you. Let me help you.
Dib, frowning, suddenly tensing up: H-help me? Wait…a…are you…is this…? I d-don't... *he groans, shoving Zim’s hand and foot off him* I don’t need your PITY!
Zim, falling back on his machine, confused: W… what? You think I…pity you??
Dib, trying to get up but failing: Of course that’s what this is! It’s what.. what this all is!! * he gestures at the two empty pizza boxes, kicking them away* You think I’m some… kinda…loser! Who can only get anything if it’s handed to him!!
Zim, growing angry, standing up and not even trying to hide his hard-on: What?! REALLY? You think a mighty Irken Invader like Zim can stoop so low as to PITY a HUMAN?!
Dib, grunting, trying to crawl up on the couch: The fuck else could it be, then?! I come… come here like every night and you fucking…buy me food and let me hang and…*he stares at the neatly folded bed sheets and covers on the couch, along with fluffed up pillows, and groans further* bring me all THIS?! *he angrily shoves everything to the floor* Who the fuck does that for his enemy?!
Zim, fuming: I do all this because it ANGERS me to see my biggest NEMESIS bring himself so low! I REFUSE to fight you when you’re made a mess of yourself, but you’re just…so good at doing that! If Zim didn’t let you in when you come knocking at his door at night, you’d wander off to some alleyway to get hurt in some dumb way…or worse, you’d try to find some rooftop again!!
Dib, finally crawling up onto the couch, curling into himself and showing his back to Zim: That’s what pity is, you idiot. You fucking pity me, you think…you think I’d be dead if it weren’t for you. Well, maybe I would, and maybe that’d be a good thing!!
Zim, feeling a heavy pain on his chest: NOT FOR ME IT WOULDN’T!
Dib, voice growing annoyed: Well, you’re literally the only living thing in this planet that gives a fuck about me dying. And you’re my enemy, so excuse me if I don’t care about breaking your poor widdle heart.
Zim, falling back on his machine, pain in his chest growing: …we Irkens don’t have a heart, you stupid.
Dib chuckles, hugging himself: So you think I’m stupid, and yet you wanna keep me around. You’re the more stupid one.
Zim sighs, looking down at the boner that wouldn’t go away: … maybe I am. *he begins walking to the kitchen, trying to ignore the heavy pain inside*
Dib, noticing that Zim is leaving his presence:…h-hey, where are you going?
Zim, walking up to the toilet elevator: I need some time alone to…think. I’m sure you’ll survive a short time without adult supervision. You don’t need my pity, after all.
Dib, annoyed, turning around on his spot: Are you… going to plan something evil? I will… I’m… what are you gonna do down there?
Zim, smiling smugly at him as he enters the toilet: Nothing good, that’s for sure. You can try to follow, if you want *he adds, before disappearing down the elevator*
Dib, trying to sit up on the couch to no avail: Wait! Zim! Don’t…ugh…* he stops trying, noticing a pillow on the floor near him. He extends his arm to reach, but can’t get to it*
Dib, groaning as he turns around on his spot and hugs himself once more: God fucking damnit…
