#vh30termtwo

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Farewell, Slytherins! P.S: You Still Suck.

Hello, Slytherins! We're sure you'll all agree that this school year has been an interesting one, bringing us a variety of both highs we've enjoyed and lows we've taken on the chin and learned from. But before we reflect on the year we've had, we at The Parselmouth would like to pay tribute to Hufflepuff's Margo Ward, who was tragically killed on our grounds one year ago. Margo's death was an unpredictable and spontaneous event which affected the hearts of many here at Hogwarts. She was a wonderful student, classmate and - most importantly - friend, with the potential to accomplish anything she desired. May Margo Ward's memory forever live on in our new and spectacular Memorial Garden, set up by our hardworking Professors and this year's Head Boy and Girl. So - this year at Hogwarts. The highs: Slytherin's Alexis Endicus was awarded the Head Girl badge (and managed to keep it all year, despite concerns), Professor Wollice managed to retain her job as Slytherin's Head of House (we knew she could do it!), no one in Slytherin got shackled by Flamel (that we know of) and no one actually died. We've had a pretty successful year, then, right? WRONG. Do you lovely readers recall when, at the beginning of this year, your humble Parselmouth writers urged you to take advantage of your Salazar-born drive for success to bring glory to our House before the echo of our magnificent failures awoke Salazar himself from his grave? Do you recall how these writers were even kind enough to offer you a number of tips on how to achieve this? If the answer is no - shame on you. However, if the answer is yes, then... shame on you! You didn't do better. And Salazar's pissed-off spirit is probably on its way to Hogwarts right now to put us all out of our misery before we taint his name forever. Let's start with dueling. Is it really that hard to take some time out of your hormone based schedules, to skip that one snogging session - or even to postpone that three o'clock broom closet appointment - to sneak down to the dueling chamber for a duel or three? The tournament finished and we only had six participants. Or... maybe a couple more than six. Who even knows and cares any more? It's just common knowledge that Slytherin - a house which was once home to numerous talented duelists - now sucks at dueling. But if you thought it couldn't get any worse than that, then brace yourself for a loud and heartfelt WRONG again. Our dear Quidditch captains claim that we never intended to win this year, or last, or the year before that, because our team took a hit and we needed some time to rebuild. Fair point. Rebuilding is good. But let's remove all the layers of Honeydukes' finest sugar and spell it out for you spectators: our team consists primarily of children barely out of their diapers, while our oldest players were three fifth years (Endicus doesn't count, she isn't really a player). In short - we suck. Or maybe Hank Chamberlain just needs to stop wallowing in his manpain and focus. We lost against Gryffindor. Okay, we accept that. Gryffindor is good. We lost against Ravenclaw. Okay, we accept that. Julia is sharp (and hot). And we lost against Hufflepuff. Okay, we accept that---NOT. I repeat: WE. LOST. AGAINST. HUFFLEPUFF! Enough said. But what we lacked in Quidditch match wins and dueling tournament participants, we certainly made up for in Parselmouth Articles! Maybe everyone on our failing Quidditch team should jump ship and write for us instead of flying around on that pitch you never win on. (No, but really, anyone who wants to write for us next year is welcome...) And finally, we couldn't possibly forget our graduating seventh years! So to Aara, Alexa, Alexis, Arieda, Asher, Edward, Ewan, Emery and Kerr - good luck and have fun. Don't let the real world swallow you whole... Thanks for a wonderful school year, Parselmouth readers, and we're already looking forward to bringing you another year's worth of news and gossip next year! written by Asia Chadwick and Vaughn Knightly

[theparselmouthvh]

Sports in Slytherin: Quidditch Game III / Dueling Tournament

So, this year we lost all of our Quidditch matches. Game III was a snore. I let in two goals but we managed to catch the snitch for the third game out of three this year - I guess that counts for something? I'm not really sure what to say about our Quidditch playing other than that with new captains we STILL suck. Maybe next year will be better but I doubt you all want to read about a losing Quidditch team and I don't really want to write about a losing Quidditch team either. Now, on to something more important: the dueling tourney. Once again we had a disappointing year of sign ups, and because I didn't sign up for personal reasons I guess I could be included in that. But really, there wasn't many Slytherin duelists at all. There was only Dylan Weasley (WHO IS REALLY AWFUL, COME ON, JUST STAY ON THE PITCH NEXT YEAR), Rhys Knightly, Emory Kettleburn, Kelly Ashcroft, Carter Kennedy, Lucy Thomson, London Greensly, and Vaughn Knightly.  That was it. IT. Not even ten people in our house entered into the dueling tournament. The one who got the furthest was maybe Vaughn in any of their respective tiers but I honestly stopped watching because all of it was so pitiful. London did a decent job too but almost everyone was out after round three or four. So what about next year? I don't know. Just don't suck. Sports in Slytherin is just pathetic. I don't have much else to say except you all suck. written by Phaedra Wayland

[theparselmouthvh]

Slytherin Spotlight: Marigold Whitaker

Slytherin Spotlight articles are dedicated to showing off some of our housemates’ achievements to all of Slytherin house. For our third and final article of the year we’re looking at the self-proclaimed 'manager' of the rumor wall, second year Marigold Whitaker, who seems to have made quite an impact on our school. From spreading rumors to causing chaos, Marigold is clearly one to watch throughout the rest of her time at Hogwarts. ————————– Q: You are now publicly known as the 'manager of the rumor wall' in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Is the rumor wall something that you'd like to continue in future years or do you think it'll be discontinued? A: As long as I'm here at Hogwarts, the rumor wall will be there. Headmistress Flamel would probably like to think she can get rid of us by erasing it but you can't, of course. I'm hoping someone will keep it going after I've left. Q: We're sure someone would be very happy to make sure of that. After all, it's been such a huge hit! What rumor on the wall do you think is the funniest so far? A: Definitely the one about Snape snoring in his portrait. That was last year though. This year... hm. There's plenty of good rumors. I particularly enjoyed the one about Professor Urguy. And the fart. And the ickle. Q: I [Alexis] must agree, those are some funny rumors! Have there ever been any problems with the nature of the rumors - enough to get anyone in serious trouble, perhaps? Or enough to threaten the existence of the wall? A: Not yet. I am the manager but I don't censor what goes on the wall - I simply confirm or deny what people write. If anything is truly obscene it could get us into trouble, of course, but as of yet I haven't seen anything too bad. Q: That's good to hear. I [Alexis] certainly wouldn't be happy if the rumor wall was cracked down on. And finally, are there any specific rules outlining what can and can't go on the wall? You know, just so everyone knows. A: Um...Well, people like to put untrue things on the walls which definitely makes my job harder. But no. I don't advocate censorship. Q: Well, we're sorry Marigold but that's all the time we've got. Thanks for letting us interview you, even if it was only for a little while. A: That's alright. Thanks for interviewing me. written by Alexis Fire and Asia Chadwick, with Marigold Whitaker

[theparselmouthvh]

The Chamber of Secrets: Whole School Edition

The Parselmouth is a publication for Slytherin students, meaning we've only really touched on Slytherin gossip so far. But we all know that the other Houses are much, much worse than we are (because we, of course, are practically perfect in every way). So in addition to the usual Slytherin gossip we provide, today's issue of the Chamber of Secrets brings you gossip from all around the castle! Enjoy, UNVERIFIED RUMORS 1. Lillian Wayland (Gr) is sporting a fantastic pair of fake knockers; she ran into a pillar last week and the hallway echoed with a resounding metal clang. 2. Grover Penn (Sl) was found rummaging through a bin in the kitchens. Perhaps he was looking for some new clothes? 3. Greta Lunes (Hu) was caught snuggling a dog. Is she cheating on cats? 4. Liam Russo (Gr) mistook his pygmy puff for a football and punted it into the Forbidden Forest. It has yet to be found. 5. Noel Delacour-Goldstein (Ra) has been searching for a Memorization Quill in order to pass his OWLs. He'll buy anyone's for a reasonable price. VERIFIED RUMORS 1. Bernadette Umbridge (Gr) has not attended a single prefect meeting all year. She was too busy messing around with her new hook-up, Astaldarion Thanrion (Gr) to care about her duties. 2. Xanadu Kane (Sl) is half-goblin (as evidenced by his stature and the state of his teeth). 3. Marius Constantin (Ra) released a hoard of bunnies into the library this year, where they pillaged, ransacked and eventually had to be rounded up by some poor, unfortunate students. 4. Bryony King (Sl) and a hoard of other first years made an absolute mess of the kitchens a few months ago in an attempt to make hot chocolate. 5. The dueling chamber is growing mold due to Darcy Redmount’s (Gr) excessive use of the shower charm. While our wonderful school is full of rumors and juicy gossip, there is only one superior house: Slytherin. Prefects snogging and bunnies eating books are nothing in comparison to our brilliance. Keep reading, fellow Slytherins! written by Marigold Whitaker

[theparselmouthvh]

Dear Parselmouth...: Edition Three

Caution: The Parselmouth claims no responsibility for any accidents, loss of friendships or otherwise unprecedented disasters that occur as a result of the advice issued below. Any questions, comments or complaints are best addressed to the editors. ————————– Dear Parselmouth, I drank my friend's pumpkin juice. But it turned out not to be pumpkin juice and I'm not feeling all that well. Should I seek treatment? - Pumpkin'n It Dear Pumpkin'n It, You don't feel well how? Is your friend pale, blond and Slytherin by any chance? I digress. First of all, you should never drink (or eat) anything that doesn't belong to you. This is Hogwarts; you never know when you might try a poison. Second of all, it depends on how bad your symptoms are. I'd wait to see if it gets worse or if I die, if I were you, but I have never been an example. That should answer your question, really. Lastly, you do know that we answer these questions days, sometimes weeks, after they're sent in, right? So my answer is probably useless to you. But hopefully it will help someone else who stumbles into your predicament in the future. Doubtful. Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Dear Parselmouth, I think I might like my teacher... you know, in that way. I have tried to get her out of my head, but I can't. What do I do? Should I tell her? Or should I just accept that I won't get further than sharing a tree house with her in my fantasies? - In Love Dear In Love, Ah. I've been there, my friend. (Is it Professor James?) What can I tell you? Sometimes it's impossible to let go. You should definitely NOT tell them. Or I suppose you could, but brace yourself for some shackling (and not the fun kind - the painful kind). The best that you can do is try to find someone your own age to obsess about and, hopefully, seeing this Professor won't make those bats in your belly spread their wings so wide. Sincerely, The Parselmouth ————————– Don’t forget to keep writing in with all those burning questions! written by Vaughn Knightly

[theparselmouthvh]

We Thought We’d Got Rid of Them?!: An Interview with Molly Weasley II

Becoming a hero is a life goal for many, yet few individuals actually make it out of the Auror Academy as a fully-fledged Auror. It seems that training to enter the very career so many people aspire to reach is a lot more difficult than meets the eye. So, after discussing the world of professional dueling and professional Quidditch with two of Slytherin's notable alumni, Adora Crawford and Amanda Overton, I got in touch with a recent Academy graduate - niece of Harry Potter himself, Molly Weasley II - to discuss the finer details of life as an Auror and get some first-hand advice for all of you aspiring Aurors in Slytherin house. Try not to skip over anything in this year's final installment of 'We Thought We'd Got Rid of Them?!' - the advice you'll find here is invaluable. ————————– Q: Good afternoon, Ms. Weasley. Thank you once again for agreeing to this interview. But before we start, for our readers who might not know, could you tell us a bit about what you’ve been up to since you graduated from Hogwarts? A: It’s a pleasure. After graduation I took a clerical job in Norway to experience living in a foreign country. While I was there I learned the language and at age eighteen I started a firm providing business consultancy and marketing services. My business was very successful and I wound up staying in the country for more than a decade before returning to England a few years ago, at which point I decided to enter the Auror Academy. As you know, I am now working in that capacity. Q: That sounds like a very interesting few years indeed. So, the purpose of this interview is to gain a greater understanding of what it means to be an Auror for the benefit of our readers who might be considering it as a career. We understand that most people seem to think the position of Auror isn’t too difficult to deal with, as the media likes to portray the position in a heroic sense and neglects to show any other side to your job. Is there a lot more to your new career than people expect or is it as one-sided and easy to deal with as the media likes to suggest? A: Well, I wouldn’t say the sort of dramatics the media likes to deal in are ‘easy’ per se. I think anybody who has met a long-serving Auror can attest that being responsible for responding to the darkest elements of society -- all those ‘heroics’ -- takes both a physical and mental toll. Aurors come into close quarters with a lot of things most people are content to live their whole lives at a great distance from. The media does show some of that, albeit in a very idealised way which glosses over the cost of failure and the exhaustion which comes even with success. If you want something they completely ignore, however, it’s definitely the paperwork. Q: That's right - I can't see the Prophet being interested in how many forms you've filled out in the past week! But with all of that in mind, we also know your new career as an Auror actually differs quite significantly from your previous job. What inspired you to want to change careers? And furthermore, why did you pursue becoming an Auror over everything else when the job is actually a lot more testing than meets the eye? A: I don’t like to say I’ve changed careers, actually. I still run my business, although naturally I’ve had to take a big step back and put a lot more trust in my staff and my fiancé. I do like to think I’ve added a career, rather than replaced one. I’d have to say the reason I pursued Auror over any other opportunity which presented itself at the time was the challenge. I like to push myself and challenge both my own limits and other people’s perceptions of them. This isn’t something my friends and family expected me to do and that really endeared the idea to me. Some people have suggested I’m contrary. Q: Indeed, it is certainly important to challenge oneself so as to live up to the determination of our house's namesake, Salazar Slytherin. That being said, how well do you think you yourself have adjusted to the immense pressure that comes with being an Auror? Is there as much, more or less pressure than you expected? A: I suppose I had a little more of an idea about the pressure than a lot of new Aurors come in with. Not just because of my family connection, but also because I went through the Academy at a much older age than most new recruits; I didn’t have that youthful idealism, and I had experience working under pressure, which was valuable despite the very different environment. I’m also just a person who thrives under pressure. Even when I relax and unwind I like to be able to think about what I need to get done the next day and come up with a solid list of things I consider important and pressing. I’m always working through things in the back of my mind, and a low-key career would never be satisfying for me. Maybe that’s unusual. It seems normal to me to gather up extra work to do on my days off, but my fiancé says most people prefer to totally relax in their downtime. Different personalities do their best work under different circumstances, I suppose. Q: Interesting. And - now, apologies if this echoes a thought you’ve probably heard multiple times since your appointment as an Auror, but our readers would like to know - do you feel your relation to the Auror-in-charge has inspired greater expectations of you from your friends, relatives and colleagues? And if so, how have you been dealing with the added stress? A: I don’t think it’s healthy to spend too much time worrying about what other people think of you. I do my job effectively and efficiently, and what other people think about my reflection on my uncle is not relevant to that. Q: That's an excellent answer. And, finally, it is well known that many students - in both Slytherin house and in other houses too - aspire to one day become Aurors themselves. Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for the students who wish to follow in your footsteps? Or a word of warning, perhaps? A: Going through the Academy I saw a lot of young people who were fit, intelligent and capable with a wand fail because they couldn’t handle the stress. There is a lot of disappointment and frustration involved in being an Auror, a lot of weight on individual Aurors’ shoulders and a lot of time spent dealing with other people’s demons, but I think that sort of early dropping out is avoidable if you remember that you don’t just need to be physically, intellectually and magically prepared for the Academy, but also emotionally. Being enraptured with justice or the ideal of the pop-culture Auror is great, but you also need determination, a willingness to work and just enough cynicism to handle the days when your dream seems more like a nightmare. That sounds bad, doesn’t it? It isn’t, I promise. You’ll need to develop those things to be truly successful at anything outside school, Auror is just the sort of job that lets you sink or swim right from the start. Q: Thank you for that excellent advice, Ms. Weasley, and thank you for your time. It’s been a pleasure. A: Thank you for your interest, and good luck to you with your newsletter and future endeavours. You have a very professional attitude, I’m sure you’ll do well in whatever you pursue. written by Asia Chadwick, with Molly Weasley II

[theparselmouthvh]

Slytherin Spotlight: London Greensly

Slytherin Spotlight articles are dedicated to showing off some of our housemates' achievements to all of Slytherin house. For our second article we're looking at one of Slytherin's up and coming duelists, second year London Greensly, who is (quite disappointingly, I must add) one of the only regular duelists in Slytherin house. From placing well in her very first tournament last year to dueling regularly inside the dueling chamber when it isn't tournament season, it's clear that most of you unmotivated slobs have a lot to learn from London. So read up, lazy Slytherins. -------------------------- Q: So, London. You're one of Slytherin's most prominent up and coming duelists. Have you got a guess as to how many duels you've taken part in since you started school? A: A lot? I try for a couple a week. The numbers go up as the term starts coming to an end. Q: That's a lot of duels - a lot more than the majority of students in our house, in fact! So - what motivates you to duel as much as you do? A: I find dueling can be very therapeutic. It is the only time at Hogwarts where I can hex someone and not get a detention. I also like the idea of winning a trophy and I can't win if I'm not the best. I think winning motivates me the most. Q: Winning things is certainly a very attractive prospect of dueling, we quite agree. Does that mean losing a duel means a lot to you, then? A: No, I think I lose the vast majority of my duels. If I win - well then, that would be something different. I suspect as I get older winning will become the norm and then I'll be a little more upset about losing. Q: It's very important to be humble and modest in dueling and we admire your current attitude towards losses. As for the other benefits of dueling - aside from winning things, what do you think is the most important aspect of participating in the sport. A: Not getting hit by spells is important. No, but seriously, I think having fun and enjoying it is the most important part. And learning neat spells - I now know the sparkler spell which is pretty neat. Q: Excellent. Having fun when you indulge in your hobbies is always important. Now, is dueling something you'd like to continue once you've moved past Hogwarts and entered the magical world as an adult? A: I wouldn't mind dueling as a hobby - you know, a once and a while thing. I don't want to be a pro. I want to be a lawyer just like my parents. Q: That's interesting! But does wanting to have a different job like your parents mean they aren't supportive of your dueling? A: I think my parents support my dueling hobby as long as it doesn't get in the way of school. Q: That's definitely understandable. So, to wrap this interview up - of everything you've done during your two years here at Hogwarts, what do you think is the most important? A: I think excelling in class is important. I keep a straight 'O' grade sheet. Oh, and I also placed fourth in last year's dueling tournament, I think that is pretty impressive for a first try. Q: Indeed it is. Thank you for letting us interview you, London! A: Thank you! written by Alexis Fire and Asia Chadwick, with London Greensly

[theparselmouthvh]

The Chamber of Secrets: Carter Edition

Word is that our new school librarian is the wife of none other than our resident terrifying overlord, and infamous first year tormentor, Professor Carter! Her existence has sparked thousands of rumors around the school, finally crushing Professor Carter’s previous reputation of celibacy, and we at The Parselmouth are delighted to bring these tidbits of information to you. Madam Carter, previous Slytherin student, has returned triumphantly and threatens to turn the whole library - no, the whole school - on its head. With a tutoring program in the works and notably increased defenses on the Restricted Section, the library is almost totally unrecognizable to any student who wishes to sit, sleep, or snoop in peace. This writer has certainly faced additional challenges getting the latest scoop on gossip and reading the new Restricted Section textbooks. But with no further ado, here are the latest rumors about Professor Carter and his blushing, hexing bride. UNVERIFIED RUMORS 1. Professor Carter got the Headmistress to hire his wife because he needs her on hand to make him hair-growth potions. 2. Professor Carter’s left earlobe is pierced for an earring, though he does not wear one. The latest rumor is that he wears an earring on special occasions only (i.e., Hogsmeade weekends, Christmas Eve, a Ravenclaw student falling to their doom, etc.). 3. Students who are late returning a library book are soon melted down by Mrs. Carter and put into the Concentration Potion in the middle of the library. (This writer finds this rumor highly unlikely, but will print it in hopes that perhaps a Ravenclaw ickle will perish...) 4. The Restricted Section's defensive hexes now include students turning bright purple and the word “RULEBREAKER” written in scarlet appearing across their nose. VERIFIED RUMORS 1. Raisa Phyxen (Hufflepuff) was recently given a shackling detention by Professor Carter. This kind of behavior from Professor Carter is not unexpected. It is yet unknown whether his wife’s presence worsens or disparages this type of behavior. 2. Mrs. Carter has created a tutoring program in the library. This program has been utilized mostly by Kelly Ashcroft in an apparent bid to get herself a boyfriend. This proves that not only is Ashcroft an idiot, but she couldn’t get a date from anyone except the Giant Squid. 3. Our new librarian has a hatred of Ravenclaws. If there is some way of getting her to target Ravenclaw’s Quidditch team, please write to The Parselmouth's Editing Office. 4. Mr. and Mrs. Carter were recently caught snogging in a broom closet on the sixth floor like a pair of seventh years. The Slytherin student who caught them in the act is now reportedly in the Hospital Wing with his eyeballs seared to his skull. Are they really married? Is it all a sham? Is it the stress of being married to his wife the cause of Professor Carter’s hair loss? Is Mrs. Carter actually attractive or are we all just completely terrified? If any Slytherins have answers to these questions, direct them to the Management of the Rumor Wall, or the editor of this column. (They are totally not the same person.) Keep reading, fellow Slytherins! written by Marigold Whitaker