16. GERMANY
Ben Dolic - “Violent thing”
Haha that’s right I’m BACK bitches!!! Well, idk when I’ll update the ranking with #15, but here’s the next update. Since the 2021 season is upon us, I will adjust the ranking a bit. I’ll be a bit more concise, as it’ll help us move along.
ENTRY ANALYSIS
In a way I feel like Ben Dolic delivered what many people expected Sandro to deliver, then again I don’t think anyone really expected a Ben? I certainly did not expect much from ever clueless, ever foolish Germans, so anything that doesn’t scream self-embarrassment right out the gate is a blessing. Thank you Ben Dolic for blessing us.
Honestly, I did enjoy “Violent thing” for its own ‘musical value’ (it’s a competent dance-trace drone, not *quite* a “Dance Alone”, but fun enough to impress the impressionable), but over the months, my feelings for this entry have distilled to “omg i FINALLY get to poke fun at Ben Dolic. 😍”. So time to unload.
Ben *very* quickly revealed himself to be an untelegenic dorkopotamus whose Syphonix club banger is a hilariously poor fit. Honestly, this has become an unhealthy obsession of mine - like reading a scary book because I’m too chickenshit to watch the scary movie. Unfortunately the book I’m refering to here is Stephen King’s ‘It’. Have you read that shit??? OMG. Fortunately, *Bennywise* the Dancing Clown is a force of hilarity, not horror. Watching him helplessly muddle and mewl through “Violent thing” is akin to seeing a toddler try on one of his father’s suits: getting lost in the oversized jacket, tying the tie with a clumsy knot, pants sinking to the ankles - yes, it’s an image. WORK WITH ME! Imagine it, plenty more to come.
I can’t really describe my feelings on Ben’s aura in a coherent fashion though. He’s just so... admirably off-putting? It’s as if someone transmogrified a ferret into a human body. A human body somewhere between Tilda Swinton and Lord Voldemort? He resembles this face I sculpted out of polymer clay (note: never sculpt if you have prosopagnosia unless your intention is to scare tumblrista’s into having night terrors)
Or as My Friend André put it when Ben came on during Europe: Shine A Light
this SECONDS before he would sing his ONE line of “Love Shine A Light” in an unstable ovine-like vibrato.😍
So all in all, it’s a fucking TRAGEDY we never got to experience Ben live in Rotterdam. He would’ve been iconically terrible, if this live performance is any indication.
The awkward dancing <3 the oversized jacket <3 spending half of the performance with his BACK TO THE AUDIENCE <3 Sporting LOCKDOWN HAIR BEFORE THE ACTUAL LOCKDOWN <3 The “LOOK HOW STREET I AM”ness completely shattered by the fact that he’s an utter dork <3 lol I mean, i (ironically) LOVE all those things about Ben. He’s supposed to be a Loic Nottet, but instead veered *heavily* into Robertoad Bellarosa territory. It’s like ordering an Incredible Hulk Doll and getting your sister’s Ken Doll painted green.
In short, 😍
So yeah, no shock that Germany cut him loose in the end. It was a rational if fucking HUMORLESS decision. 🙄 Watch them squander this potential opportunity by replacing Ben with some boring cardboard beta bitch. (I would keep my fingers crossed for something similar to “Hypnotized" by Purple Disco Machine and Sophie and the Giants - an actually *amazing* German song that would shine at Eurovision, but knowing ARD I’d expect them will go for a soulless Sheeran monstruosity, bank on it. 🙄)
FREAKY FRIDAY FACTOR
I mean, this is a amazing example of Freaky Friday, right? The sheer beauty of the ever-clueless Germans selecting a Slovene manboy with zero charisma, paring him a sex-on-legs nudisco banger, with no regard of what an utter mismatch it was until they saw the live after the contest was cancelled? This followed by quietly jettisoning him from orbit sometime during the off-season? Perfect arc, 10/10, would read again.
5 Senhits out of 5.
