The peopel/internet loves saying stuff like "your gonna find your people" but even after like a few years i only have the 2 friends that i managed to make at the end of school who i do adore but are in such different worlds that me that i feel like I could never act "normal" around them since they are both very religious and seemgly very straight. They do say they are neurodivergent but def are a different kind that mixes with me at a very surface level.
Like for gods sake when i even mentioned the idea that people might ship 2 male characters on the internet or how the internet/fandom spaces are primarily queer (did use gay here), my friend said "Yeah the internet likes to force that stuff"
Even in uni where it would be expected to start making friends or have people like me at most i could just call them the project group rather than any sort of 'friend'.
Ive legit thought of just blocking and stop talking to everyone but that would be physically impossible and i dont wanna lose the 2 people i do interact with as only a week without talking to them made me spiral a bit and think maybe i dont deserve to have anyone important in my life since i want my existing friends to be stuff they arent and have had certain intrusive thoughts about teaching them a lesson.