#volivia

[grin-and-fox-it]

It’s one of my ex-best friend’s birthdays today. April 4th for Volivia. Might have been better for me to not log into Facebook at all. Still, she did leave a birthday message on my wall despite our falling out. I’d feel like a steaming ham if I didn’t leave one on her own in return.

I didn’t like it. She’s as beautiful as ever. More so. She’s the picture of a model, she has been for as long as I can remember. Especially with the whole woodland warrior elf aesthetic she’s had going on for years now. She has at least a dozen people leaving comments on her Facebook wall. People flattering her, telling her she’s amazing. They like her, some love her.

She’s easy to like for normal people, I think. She doesn’t have much in the way of complicated, nothing too messy, nothing challenging to wrap your head around when you get to know her. Felt a flare of jealousy looking at her Facebook wall, that slumped into this wave of saddening defeat. I’m very tired.

[grin-and-fox-it]

Not sure if I’m necessarily jealous of the attention she’s receiving. I can’t recall a time I’ve ever witnessed her not well liked. I think it’s more so jealousy of who she can freely be. It’s seeing her spread out in a plastic kiddie pool in a black two piece bathing suit, holding a drinking glass in one hand. She can do that, somehow. She can post that on a Facebook account where hundreds of people will see it. 

Meanwhile, majority of the time, my own identity doesn’t even exist. People want to deny I’m real when I already struggle accepting that I am alive. I’m jealous knowing she’ll hasn’t had to wrestle with any of the damage I have. I’m jealous that beyond her “”quirky”” affinity for fantasy, she’ll never really be dropped into any sort of outcast classification.

[orushd]

no me vengas a enredar

[grin-and-fox-it]

I wonder some days if she’ll ever have a realization. If my ex-fp will ever look back on our years of friendship, what we fought over, what we both said only to go, “Woah. I screwed up. How did I not see this before?” But it’s cringe funny for me since when I think back on her I realize all my idolization of her blindsided me to what kind of person she was underneath.

I don’t think it’ll ever happen. I don’t really understand how she’s such a punk metal fan, all those rebellious streaks in her, to turn around to tell people in pain that “life isn’t that bad”. Even back when I knew her she was fundamentally removed from putting herself in anyone else’s shoes or even caring about stories outside of her own projecting.

[grin-and-fox-it]

Hmm. Strange seeing ex-fp upload on Deviantart. I squint at some of it thinking, “Has she always been like that?” 

[grin-and-fox-it]

I can’t see the Pokemon lilligant, gyarados, giratina, or vaporeon without thinking of my ex-fp but it also doesn’t bother me anymore.. It’s nice.

[grin-and-fox-it]

Putting this under a read more because I don’t want to scream anyone’s ears off.

I close the IM chat tab. I block future posts from you showing up on my Facebook feed. I’m mature enough to not remove you from my friends list entirely. You haven’t spoken a word to me after our fight. You threw a tantrum, ignored me for weeks, and dismissed my admissions to you. I willingly decided I want nothing to do with you anymore, especially after you openly mocking my identity. I sucked it up and told myself your posts were just jokes to you and not meant to prick my attention or to draw me in to argue against it. 

I told myself we’d both moved on and that I should stop being self centered, assuming your actions were meant to insult me in particular. And you have.... The bloody nerve... to interact with my FB posts... now? Especially after I’ve assumed you’ve long since blocked my own feed on your dash because you have no back bone to speak of? What am I supposed to think of this? I let go. I LET GO. WHY ARE YOU BACK RIGHT AFTER? RIGHT AFTER!?

If you pull that one more time I will block you. I will block your sorry ass so fast.

[grin-and-fox-it]

Finally, finally allowed myself to hide any of Volivia’s future posts on FB. She shared something sourced from “Tumblr Posts Giving Me PTSD Triggers” or along those nasty lines. The post itself was of a teller with a customer about “are you assuming my tender”. 

I left her behind for very pronounced reasons. I left her behind because part of me, no matter how hurt, recognized something between us was wrong. I was starting to see aspects to her that I’d been made oblivious to by my idealization. 

She’s gone and that’s okay. She’s gone for a reason. I don’t have to apologize for anything. I don’t have to go back to her. I shouldn’t be feeling so guilty even after all this time.

If I plan on continuing to use FB and if I want to forget about her so much then I can’t keep allowing myself to be brushed by reminders of her. I don’t need to know what she’s up to or who’s she’s talking to or who she’s hanging out with. I can’t permit her to indirectly hurt me anymore.