My break-up episode yesterday consisted of a garden variety of emotions: guilt, denial and a profound anger (on how it seemed too easy for him to dismiss our relationship through sms) among other things. If I did mention all the horrible inward feelings I had that time, I would have already provided you a kaleidoscope of not a single color, but indeed, fifty shades of gray.
Pardon the allusion. I'm not into the craze either.
Getting back to my point, the resultant waywardness of our unfortunately short-lived relationship, led me to a reflex to go out with a couple of oh-so-dependable friends well spent lurking about Morato, and all the jewels of its enterprises. I, myself, had a problem alternating matcha green tea and beer (both, I emphasize are my comfort beverages), with the mellow notes cigarette smoke supply me. But it was all good. I have to affirm the fact a few bottles of beer, an ostracized matcha, and entertaining company were all that matters for a reliable support system. I figured moping around insensible stuff won't help me with my life.
Meanwhile, I was granted a chance to talk to him again a couple of hours ago. I'm very tempted to post what we've argued about in facebook, but I realized it's not like you really care about what happened to us. After all, I'm the only one making a big fuss out of such failures.
But here's the thing. I realized, after our conversation, I got myself enough closure. I realized it's not patching up things that I wanted from him. What was in question, what I personally desired for, was to find out what was the root of our disagreements. It turns out, we never really in the same wavelength. We were tuned in different frequencies to start with.
It all makes sense.
Truth is, we had an incongruence in our definition of the word "relationship". Team Ikoy strongly emphasized relationships were a fairytale-turned-reality; my camp argued relationships was simply -- disregarding all frills that follow romance -- a compromise.
The context of our conflict is always in the little things I do accidentally that irritate him. Mind you, things that irritate him don't end in mere irritation; they grow to be annoyances, then from annoyances into sudden splurges of tantrums. When he ends up showing this bad side of his, I end up reasoning out to him.
I have absolutely no idea why he thinks of them as an attack to his principles. It's not that I point out my side because I want to prove I'm right and he's wrong. The point is, I just wanted to point out we have different points and that we have to compromise with each other, point taken? Personally, I wouldn't dare use a cliche, but they're cliches for a reason: People aren't perfect.
Ultimately, I realized begging for his forgiveness or forcing him to stay put with me wouldn't mean anything significant. Sooner or later, because of his being stubborn and my being an aggressive diplomat, it'll end with same words.
I'm through with you.
I leave the stage without a loss. Breaking up, or rather allowing him to break up with me that sunny day, culminated without a trace of a storm. Not even a drizzle.
