EIGHT OF SWORDS // removing the blindfold: the epiphany of autonomy as an antidote to the paralysis of trauma's self-perception-warping horror

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EIGHT OF SWORDS // removing the blindfold: the epiphany of autonomy as an antidote to the paralysis of trauma's self-perception-warping horror
Another competition and another New Year with her family in Tartosa.
And once again, Akemi didn't feel the need to make a special wish for it to come true. Riding under the stars, she already had everything she needed.
Transcript: Victory /// Barrel Racing – Master Level /// You may have only won Second Place, but it was quite a challenge! The competition featured so many undeniable talents, and you showed what you were made of. The applause continues even after your wave, as you hold your horse proudly by your side. Who knows, maybe next time the top title will be yours?
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Translation below (PT-BR)
Outra competição e mais um ano novo com a família em Tartosa.
E mais uma vez, Akemi não sentia a necessidade de fazer um pedido especial para que se realizasse. Cavalgando sob as estrelas, ela já tinha tudo que precisava.
Texto transcrito: Vitória /// Corrida de tambores – nível mestre /// Você pode ter conquistado apenas o Segundo Lugar, mas foi um desafio e tanto! A competição contava com tantos talentos inegáveis e você mostrou a que veio. Os aplausos continuam mesmo após seu aceno, enquanto mantém o cavalo orgulhosamente ao seu lado. Quem sabe na próxima o título máximo não é de vocês?
ATSUSHI IS SO PRETTY
Burn everything you love, then brace yourself for what comes next.
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watermelonjuicekiss >>> likeiwould
I’ll Try Anything Once, Chapter 49
Written by: Erin, Beth, Sol, Allegra Edited by: Erin, Sol
“Did I tell you we have a party to go to tonight?”
Nick looked up from his textbook and closed it abruptly, glad to have an excuse to abandon his schoolwork. “No...it’s New Year’s Eve, right?”
“Yeah, it is. Someone should get you a calendar,” Alex laughed, “you want to go get ready? We have to be there at nine.”
“Do we have to walk there?”
“I think so. It’ll be a 20 minute walk.”
“... I don’t know if I can…” Nick trailed off with a sigh.
“That doesn’t matter for now. Just get ready, alright?”
Nick nodded, standing up and stretching. Alex smiled at Nick’s slightly-too-small t-shirt riding up over his stomach, exposing a strip of pale skin. Nick noticed Alex’s gaze and playfully smacked his shoulder with a giggle. “D’you think I need to shower?”
“Yeah, sure,” Alex replied. “I could...do you need help?”
“I think I’m good.”
“Oh,” Alex said, his expression falling as he watched Nick retreat down the hall on his crutches. “Are you sure you can stand for that long?”
“I dunno. Maybe? We’ll see,” Nick shrugged. “I’ll just sit if I have to.”
Alex bit his lip as Nick shut the bathroom door behind him. “O-okay.” He slowly returned to the living room, sitting down on the sofa and flipping on the TV. He tried his best to focus on the cooking program that was on, but every time he heard a little sound coming from the bathroom, his attention was diverted. He’s fine. Don’t worry about him. He can take care of himsel-
THUNK!
Alex leapt to his feet and bolted to the bathroom. “Nick?!” He yanked the door open and threw the shower curtain aside to find Nick standing upright, clutching a bottle of shampoo.
Nick gasped and whipped around to stare at Alex. “What?!”
“I…” Alex faltered. “I heard a noise and I- I thought you got hurt-”
“Oh, yeah. Dropped the shampoo. I’m fine.”
“Oh...uh...okay,” Alex said quietly. “Are you sure-”
Nick frowned. “I told you I was fine…”
“Sorry, love,” Alex said quietly. He backed out of the bathroom and shut the door behind him sheepishly.
Alex returned to his spot on the sofa, his heart still pounding and his mind still reeling with worst possible scenarios. He wanted nothing more than to make sure Nick was okay, watch over him at all times, help him with small tasks. But Nick was recovering, and Alex needed to accept that, needed to stop treating everything like a life or death situation.
A short while later, the boys headed out of the flat, fully bundled up to ward off the winter chill. Nick had decided on a red button-down shirt and a pair of sparkly black bell-bottom trousers, while Alex had changed into a pink shirt and black skinny jeans.
As they slowly made their way to the party, Nick’s already shortened breath became even more ragged as he began to recognise his surroundings. It looks like we’re near the… No, it can’t be…
Turning the corner, his eyes confirmed what his brain already knew: it was the abandoned building where he used to live. Bad memories came flooding back momentarily, until he noticed that it didn’t look quite the same as it did before. Whilst it was still clearly derelict, it looked somehow tidier from the outside, as if someone had fixed it up: the front door had been painted a bright blue, and the broken windows had been boarded up with plywood that was painted bright colours.
As Nick paused to examine his old haunt further, he realised that he could hear music coming from inside the building.
“Alex,” Nick looked at his boyfriend with befuddlement, “what is going on?”
Alex beamed. “Surprise,” he said, giving Nick a peck on the cheek. “While you were in the hospital, Paul and Bob and I helped fix the place up. It’s still not perfect, but it’s way nicer than it was before!”
Nick could only stare at the building, his mouth agape. Alex noticed this and began to panic. Oh shit, was this not a good idea?
“Nick, are you ok?” No response. “Nick? What do you think?”
Nick wasn’t sure what to think. Did he really want to venture into a place with so many bad memories?
Nick’s contemplation was interrupted by Alex placing a hand softly on his shoulder.
“I promise it’ll be ok, Nick.” Nick gazed at the taller man, who gave him a reassuring smile. With that, Nick linked one arm with Alex’s and they slowly began to make their way inside.
Nick’s jaw nearly dropped as he saw his former home. The lights inside were bright, broken lightbulbs replaced by warm, yellow light. The walls were painted white with splashes of bright color on the back wall. Fairy lights framed each window, the broken panes replaced with brightly painted plywood.
The once uninhabitable building was now a beautiful space filled with people and upbeat music. It was completely unrecognizable apart from the rafters above them, but even that had been cleaned up and decorated with lights, colourful paint, and tapestries.
“What do you think, Nick?” Nick awoke from his mesmerized state and stared slack-jawed at Alex for a moment before replying.
“I love it.” He barely managed to whisper, still in shock.
Alex, just able to hear Nick’s soft words, carefully wrapped his arms around his wide-eyed love. “Do you want to go sit down? I’ll bring you a hot chocolate?” Nick beamed at these words.
“I’ll be right back, then.” Alex helped Nick into a soft armchair and kissed him on the cheek as he went to find his love a nice, warm drink. Nick continued exploring the room with his eyes. He just couldn’t get over how neat and cosy this former hovel had become.
Nick was jolted out of his trance by a new presence next to him. He looked over, expecting to see Alex with a warm cup of hot cocoa. Instead, he was greeted by a pair of legs swathed in hot pink leopard print leggings. He looked up and saw a bright pink sparkling vest that left little to the imagination, and looking up further still Nick saw a familiar, grinning face.
“Dino?”
“Hi Nick, you look wonderful this evening.” Dino, though as gregarious as ever, wasn’t quite as flirty as he normally was: no lewd comments, no intense stares. Knowing that Nick hadn’t been at his best, Dino knew that now was not the time to hit on Nick; that could wait for another day.
“You seem well! How are you doing?”
“Um, I’m better. Thank you.” Nick smiled at the sparkling man in front of him. Despite what Alex had previously said about him, Nick liked Dino. He was unusual, but friendly, and seemed to genuinely care about Nick's wellbeing.
As the two were chatting, Nick noticed some shuffling in Dino’s vest. Dino, upon noticing Nick’s curiosity, reached inside and pulled out a tan and white rat in a vest that was just as sparkly and pink as Dino’s. Nick gasped at this wondrous sight.
“You remember Peanut, yeah?” Dino proudly showed off his beloved pet.
Nick nodded and grinned as Peanut twitched her little nose and started making her way towards him. She eventually curled up in a ball on his lap.
“She likes you!” Dino beamed with pride, grateful that someone else loved his rat almost as much as he did.
“Thanks for the birthday gift,” Nick said softly, remembering the rat plush he had at home.
“You’re so welcome! I saw the rat plush at IKEA and knew I had to get it for you! Have you named it?”
“Not yet,” Nick laughed, patting Peanut again.
“Maybe Steve? After my rat?”
Nick kept laughing at the prospect of a rat named Steve. “Maybe!” He took the opportunity of a short silence to look up at Dino. Nick never understood why Alex hated him so much — he was always kind and polite, at least to him. Maybe things were different at art school.
As soon as Dino got back to rambling about his new rat playground, a cup of hot cocoa plopped into Nick’s hands. Alex sat down beside him and squeezed his arm gently.
Nick laughed as the warmth from the hot cocoa gently misted his face. “Sure is strange being back here,” he sighed.
“In a good way?”
“Of course! It’s beautiful…” Nick trailed off as he kept looking around the space.
Suddenly, Dino and Peanut scurried off in a pink-vested blur. Alex looked to Nick, confused as to what Dino could be scurrying towards. However, upon approaching the dance floor, Alex saw that Paul was away from the DJ booth.
Upon seeing Dino approaching Paul, Bob froze from behind the DJ booth. Shit. Being left alone to manage the music was difficult enough — but having to watch Paul flirt with Dino, powerless behind giant, clunky headphones?
Bob shook his thoughts away and refocused on the task at hand — making sure that no one at this party got bored of the music choices. There was only an hour left until midnight, after all, and he had to play bangers while not wasting all of the good songs. Despite his focus on his task, he couldn’t stop looking up at Paul and Dino — is Dino flirting? Why is Paul laughing? What the hell is so—
Bob nearly jumped when he felt a tap on his shoulder. “What—” he removed one side of his headphones and looked up at Alex standing behind him.
“I’ve got it. Prince House Rabbit on the decks,” Alex grinned.
“No, seriously— Prince House Rabbit?”
“Just go get your boy, Bob. We can talk about DJ names later.”
Bob took off his headphones and shoved them into Alex’s hands. “Play the Cha Cha Slide. It always does some good crowd control.”
As Bob walked away, he grinned, recognizing the Cha Cha Slide beginning to play over the speakers. He then heard the unmistakable pat pat pat of Nick scrambling to catch up to him on his crutches.
Bob’s smile quickly faded as he saw Paul brushing Dino’s hair out of his face. “Oh, absolutely not,” he muttered, apparently loud enough for Nick to hear over the Cha Cha Slide.
“Are you okay?” Nick gently nudged Bob with his shoulder, not wanting to lose his balance.
“Yeah, I—”
“We can do something else, if you want,” Nick glanced at Bob and then quickly looked away, “get a snack or something?”
Before Bob could even respond, Nick was wobbling off towards the snack table, where it was much less chaotic than close to the DJ booth.
“Dino was so nice to me earlier,” Nick scooped some pretzels onto a small paper plate, “now I know why you all don’t like him.”
“If he’s nice to you, then—”
“He’s flirting with your boyfriend, Bob!”
“We’re not—” Before Bob could finish his response, Nick was already wobbling away to the sofa near the snacks, trying not to drop his plate.
“We’re not dating,” Bob clarified once he met Nick at the sofa with his snacks.
Nick nodded thoughtfully, “then why are you so upset?”
“Because I love him, and I want to date him, but he’s—” Bob sighed, “I don’t think he values me like that.”
“I’m sure he does,” Nick fiddled with a stray piece of thread on the sofa, “he might just not know how to show it.”
“Well, it would sure help if he wasn’t over there flirting with Dino.”
“You’re right,” Nick sighed, wondering if just not talking anymore would be better than possibly hurting Bob’s feelings. He looked over at Alex, who noticed him and made a heart with his hands.
“Do you think we should go get him?” Bob looked over at Paul again. Dino was too close to him, and he didn’t seem to mind. Seemingly, he didn’t notice Bob at all.
“No, we can…” Nick trailed off, realizing just how affectionate Paul and Dino were being. “We can go tell him off later.”
“Wait, Nick--” Bob laughed to himself, “you really used to live here?”
“Yeah, for a few months,” Nick shrugged, “maybe the worst few months of my life.”
“I almost didn’t believe Paul when he told me why we were fixing this place up,” Bob looked around at the elaborate renovation, “you were always just sort of a mystery to me.”
“I lived up there,” Nick looked up towards the rathers, “I’d like to go up there just to see…”
“We can go, if you want,” Bob offered, wanting to get his mind off of Paul and Dino.
“How do we get up there, though? I don’t think I can do the rope ladder yet…” Nick sighed and got up from the sofa, trying to see an alternate way to the rafters.
“We could try the back,” Bob suggested, glancing towards the roped off area past the snack section. “I mean, there has to be a way to get up there back there, you know?”
Nick nodded and slowly made his way towards the roped off area. “Do you know where this goes?”
Bob grabbed a flashlight from one of the cabinets near the snacks. “I thought you would,” Bob hopped over the caution tape blocking off the hall. “Can you clear this?”
“Can try,” Nick clumsily swung over the barrier, nearly slipping in the dust on the floor.
Once Nick was steady, Bob trekked through the hall, blindly leading the way with the nearly-defunct flashlight. The floorboards creaked under his feet, nearly matching the beat of Nelly’s “Hot In Herre” playing from the other room. What the fuck, Alex?
Shaking his thoughts of Alex’s terrible music choice -- he just came over from Greece a few months ago, I should give him a break -- Bob looked over his shoulder to make sure Nick was following him.
“I-I think I should have a break, Bob,” Nick straggled along a few yards behind Bob. He looked around for somewhere to rest, but found that every available surface was coated in a thick layer of dust.
“Just a bit further,” Bob waited for Nick to catch up with him.
Nick, afraid of being left in the dark, scrambled up to Bob and leaned on him. Bob, not wanting Nick to topple over, slid a hand around his waist. “Is that okay?”
“Perfect,” Nick responded, “thanks.”
Bob stayed silent, recalling his day spent with Nick asleep next to him. He didn’t want to admit that they cuddled, but now… now that Paul was off flirting with Dino and he had Nick right here with him…
“... Do you remember cuddling with me, Nick?” Bob asked as they approached a staircase.
“I can’t do stairs yet.”
“But the cuddles, Nick.”
“I know I fell asleep on you a couple weeks ago. I’m sorry about that.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Bob smiled, “I’m glad I was there for you.”
Nick nodded and broke away from Bob, wobbling towards the stairs on his crutches. “How do I get up there?”
“Try crawling? I’ll— I’ll spot you.”
Nick nodded and got down on his hands and knees. Bob carried Nick’s crutches as he slowly followed him up the stairs, until they reached a door. Bob busted the door open to find a small corridor leading to the rafters.
Bob grabbed Nick’s hand to help him back on his feet, and steadied him on his crutches before continuing into the hallway. Nick’s limbs were sore from crawling up the wooden staircase, but he refused to let the pain show on his face.
“Looks like we’re almost there,” Bob reassured Nick, whose breathing was noticeably heavier. However, Nick was determined to reach their destination without needing a break, and the two of them let the light at the end of the hallway guide them.
Soon the narrow hallway opened up into the large space that was once Nick’s former home, but he hardly recognized it. Two couches and a recliner replaced what used to be a pile of blankets, and strings of lights were wrapped around the newly painted rafters over their heads.
“Oh wow,” Bob broke the silence as they looked around in awe. “It’s so nice and cozy up here.” During the renovation, Bob dedicated his time to painting the walls downstairs and hadn’t gotten a chance to see the rafters until now.
“It didn’t always look like this.” Nice and cozy was the last way Nick would describe this place a few months ago. Paul really did an incredible job renovating the place, even more noticeably so as they approached the couches and spotted a maroon rug on the floor that matched the pillows.
Nick sat himself down on one of the couches, grateful to finally be able to rest, and Bob followed, plopping down next to him on the comfortable cushion.
“Your boyf— I mean— Paul really knows how to fix up a building.” Bob could only respond with a sad laugh, amused with Nick’s caution of referring to Paul as his boyfriend, but also hurt by the reminder that he wasn’t.
The flashy lights from the dancefloor below illuminated their spot, and the booming bass from another awful pop song slightly vibrated the rafters underneath them. Bob smiled at Alex’s continued horrible song choices, but his smile slowly faded when he recognized two figures below them on the dance floor. Bob could spot Paul a mile away, and Dino’s bright pink outfit was hard to miss.
Nick, who had been silently observing Bob from beside him, followed his gaze to the couple. It was uncomfortable for the both of them to watch the way Paul and Dino were pressed against each other, their bodies practically melted together and swaying to the music. Nick felt Bob tense up next to him as Dino then began to lean in until his lips crashed into Paul’s. Bob’s heart immediately sunk, and his stomach churned.
“It makes you sad, doesn’t it?” Nick asked, barely loud enough over the music for Bob to hear.
“More like it breaks my heart.” Bob stared at his hands, afraid to look up and even catch a glimpse of the nightmare unfolding below him.
“I’m sorry.” Nick wasn’t entirely sure what else to say, but he hated seeing Bob so sad. Nick put an arm around Bob’s shoulders as he began to shake and tears began to roll down his cheeks.
Bob knew that he and Paul weren’t a couple, but he still wasn’t entirely sure why. How could Paul say that he loved him, but then sleep with someone else? Did he even mean it?
“Has Alex ever told you that he loves you?”
There was a brief silence as Nick contemplated telling Bob the truth, but he ultimately decided that he trusted Bob and responded with a “yes.”
Bob ignored the slight pang of jealousy stemming from whatever feelings he still had left for Alex. “How do you know that he really means it?” Bob needed to know what true love actually looks like, because he was sure it wasn’t what he was receiving from Paul.
“Well,” Nick started, “he takes care of me. He’s patient with me, and loyal.” Nick had never described Alex like this to someone before, and his heart fluttered as he reflected on the many loving moments they shared. “He makes me feel loved. It’s a feeling, not just words. It’s the way he looks at me.”
Nick’s voice drifted off and Bob wiped his eyes before tilting his head to look at Nick. Nick wasn’t looking directly at Bob, but staring off into the distance somewhere next to his head, his blue eyes sparkling and a small smile tugging at his lips. Bob guessed the look Nick was talking about was the same one in his eyes right now as he described Alex.
Bob confessed his biggest fear, “I don’t think Paul loves me.” Bob looked back to the dancefloor but Paul and Dino were nowhere to be seen, having either shifted out of his sight or gone to another area for more privacy. “He says he does, but how could he do this to me?”
Nick couldn’t even imagine the pain he’d feel if Alex were to ever kiss someone else in front of him. “Maybe you need to talk to him, tell him you don’t want him seeing Dino anymore.”
Bob sighed, “You’re right, it's just hard to get anything out of him sometimes. Relationships confuse him, I think.”
“He does care about you. He looks at you differently.”
“Really?” Bob asked, looking back at Nick who gave him a reassuring smile.
“Yeah, like how Alex looks at me.”
Next thing Bob knew, Nick’s face began to lean into his, causing his heart to beat faster. Before Bob could stop him or ask what he was doing, Nick gently pressed his lips against Bob’s cheek. Despite the innocence of the gesture, Bob still felt his face burn, and he missed the feeling of Nick’s soft lips as soon as he pulled away. Bob had forgotten that Nick’s arm was around him until it slipped off as he stood up. “C’mon, let’s not let this ruin your New Years.”
Bob grabbed Nick’s hand to stop him before standing up. “Thank you, Nick.” It felt good getting this off of his chest to someone, and Bob couldn’t imagine a better person to talk to than Nick. Both of them couldn’t seem to stop smiling as they trekked through the corridor, and Bob sensed the beginning of a new friendship.
Nick carefully made his way back down the stairs, and with Bob’s help, the both of them were able to return to the dance floor before midnight. “Let’s see how Alex is holding up,” Bob suggested, locking his eyes on the DJ booth and refusing to let them stray to sights he didn’t want to see.
“Hey, where have you guys been?” Alex asked as they approached him. Nick sensed an annoyance in his stance, but regardless Alex looked grateful to see his boyfriend and his best friend.
“Talking,” was all Bob responded with as he grabbed a nearby stool for Nick and placed it next to Alex’s. When Nick sat down, he caught a glimpse at the time from Alex’s laptop. 11:50.
“What are you thinking of playing at midnight?” Nick asked, peering up at the laptop screen Alex was scrolling on with ravenous intensity.
“You’ll see,” Alex kept scrolling.
Bob leaned against the booth and let his mind wander. He wanted to see Paul and wanted to spend his New Years with him, but he still felt uneasy over the whole situation with Dino. Bob dared to look towards the dance floor for the first time since talking with Nick, and although it was crowded, he was able to spot Paul who was by himself this time, grabbing a drink from the snacks table.
Suddenly, three blonde girls from Alex’s studio art class who were wearing sparkly gold dresses and heels that looked impossible to walk in approached the DJ booth. “Could you play that new Libertines song?” One of them asked.
“After midnight,” Alex sighed, exasperated, adding the song to his endless list of requests.
“And, while I’m here, why haven’t you guys played a gig in so long?”
Alex ignored the question, or couldn’t hear it. This left Nick or Bob to speak up.
“Well…” Nick started, too softly for anyone to hear him.
“Midterms!” Bob interrupted.
“Get back to gigs soon?” The girl inquired.
“Of course.”
“If you see Paul on the floor,” Alex took off his headphones to speak to the girls, “could you tell him to get back to managing his own party?”
The girls walked away, but Paul was already on his way back to the booth. “Well would you look who it is,” Alex said in a bitter tone, “Managed to pull yourself away?” Bob noticed the glare Alex and Nick were giving Paul, and matched it with one of his own. Paul shifted on his feet, obviously uncomfortable.
“Look, I’m sorry I was gone for so long. Can I—”
“No,” Alex interrupted, refusing to give up his spot, “I have a plan. Maybe if you weren’t off with Dino...” Bob almost couldn’t believe how blunt Alex was being by calling out Paul, but he felt a sense of pride. Paul deserved this.
“Can I please be back in charge?”
“After midnight, if you want,” Alex tapped the touchpad. 11:58.
Paul smiled as soon as he heard the song Alex had put on. “Mr Brightside?” He laughed, “I do love The Killers.”
Bob stood up straighter, paying more attention to this song than whatever nonsense Alex was playing before. As the song launched into its chorus, Bob shot a look towards Alex, who gave him a subtle smirk and slightly tilted his head towards Paul.
Feeling a new sense of confidence, Bob rounded the booth to Paul and grabbed his arm, pulling him to the edge of the dance floor.
“Hey,” was all Paul said, and Bob hated that he couldn’t decipher the emotion on his face. Bob felt angry, scared, excited, a whole whirlwind of emotions that almost made him shake. How is Paul not… feeling this?
“What have you been doing all night?” Bob already knew, but he wanted to hear it from Paul, wanted to make him admit it.
Paul couldn’t look Bob in the eyes. “I’ve been with Dino.”
“Why?” Bob responded sharply, running his thumb over his knuckles for support.
“Why not? You can’t put restrictions on me, Bob. We aren’t even officially together.” Bob wanted to hate Paul, but he couldn’t. The lighting of the dance floor cast shadows on Paul’s face that highlighted his best features. He was so beautiful, even when he was breaking Bob’s heart, and Bob just wanted to be his.
“Can’t you-” Bob’s throat closed up on itself before he could finish. Tears threatened to escape his eyes, but he held them back, trying to remain strong for once.
Paul took a step closer to Bob, getting a soft look in his eyes as guilt began to way him down. He hated seeing Bob upset, and being the cause of it crushed him. “Don’t think this means I care any less about you, Bob.” Paul grabbed Bob’s face in his hands. “You mean so much to me.”
“I don’t want you to be with Dino.” Bob managed shakily, pulling away. “I want you to be with me.”
Before Paul could respond, the crowd around them began to collectively count down the minute until the new year. 59, 58, 57...
Bob didn’t want to be here, but he didn’t know where else to go. Paul didn’t love him and Paul didn’t want to be with. He felt humiliated and stupid, and he just wanted to disappear, didn’t want to see the sad look Paul was giving him.
30, 29, 28... Bob looked away from Paul for a moment to catch Alex rushing towards a dark corner towards the back of the room, Nick hobbling on his crutches close behind. Their excitement was obvious from all the way across the room, and for the first time Bob felt happy for them, rather than jealous. After his conversation with Nick, Bob could confirm that there was real and pure love between them.
10, 9, 8... Alex seemed unable to wait any longer as he pulled Nick into a kiss before they both disappeared from sight.
As everyone around them cheered, “3, 2,1, Happy New Year!” Bob looked back at Paul. They stared at each other in silence for a moment despite the celebration surrounding them. Bob waited for Paul to just walk away, go find Dino, to never talk to him again, but instead Paul took a step closer to him. Paul slowly lifted his hand to place on the back of Bob’s head, as if scared he would resist this time too. However, Bob didn’t back away; he couldn’t. His heart hammered wildly in his chest as he waited for Paul’s next move. Paul leaned in slowly, his eyes gravitating to Bob’s mouth and his hand pulling him closer. Bob could feel Paul’s breath against his face as he whispered, “happy new year, Bob,” before connecting their lips. As they stood there, gently pressed together, Bob felt the pain in his heart subside. After a moment, Bob wrapped his arms around Paul’s waist to pull him even closer, feeling almost selfish and wanting the world to know that Paul was his.
Bob didn’t know how much time had passed when they finally broke apart. He pulled Paul into a hug instead and whispered in his ear, “Happy new year, Paul.” It felt good to have Paul this close again, and Bob focused on their matched breathing, prepared to stay like this for the rest of the night.
-
Shimmering red flashes of light crackled and illuminated the sky above Nick and Alex.
“Pretty,” Nick said, trying not to shiver from the cold. The two boys sat on a concrete ledge they had found along the perimeter of the building, having escaped from the party to observe the fireworks going off from a few blocks down.
“They really are,” Alex responded, pulling Nick slightly closer by his shoulders to keep both of them warm. The sound of another explosion rang in the air before streaks of white light drew lines in the dark sky in all different directions. Every time this happened, Alex could feel Nick flinch slightly, but he didn’t express any concerns, seeming to enjoy the light show more than anything.
The concept of time continuing on without being able to stop terrified Alex, and he often found himself dreading each coming year. In previous years he couldn’t understand how people could celebrate getting older and losing the past, but today he didn’t feel so pessimistic about starting a new year. “What do you think about 2005?”
“It’s been good so far.” Of course Nick’s answer was simple, but Alex appreciated it nonetheless.
“I agree. I’m so happy I get to spend it with you, Nitzki.” Alex found Nick’s hands from his lap and held them in his own as another attempt to keep him warm.
“I think this year will be the best one yet.”
Alex let out a small laugh. “What makes you say that?”
“I have you, now.” Nick looked away from the light show for a moment to speak to Alex. “And Steck.” The mention of their furry companion made them both smile.
“And Bob and Paul,” Alex added.
“Yes, them too. I hope they figure out their relationship.”
“Me too. I really don’t get what Paul’s deal is. Bob doesn’t deserve this,” Alex said, reflecting on the anger he felt towards Paul watching him dance and make out with Dino all night.
“He doesn’t. Bob is a good person.”
“He really is.” The two of them then sat in silence for a while, admiring what they assumed to be the finale of the fireworks show as colorful lights rapidly exploded in the air.
The silence that followed was comfortable. Alex and Nick continued to hold each other in the cold night, and the streaks of smoke lingering in the sky were the only evidence left of the fireworks. A slight sadness fell upon Nick, but he glanced over at Alex again and felt comfort in knowing that not everything beautiful disappeared so quickly.


