i'm not sure why some of these words keep reoccurring.
-some of these thoughts.
i feel i've been set on a repeat of sorts.
a cyclical recitation, of a specific set of stanzas,
made and remade, and unmade.
-relentlessly played, over and again,
a broken jukebox, with a torch,
for a particular list of tunes.
remorseful,
redundant,
exhausted.
i don't know how to tell myself, that the song is done.
that i've stopped listening to me.
-to my heart that beats its imaginary pulse,
or my feet that fall in step
to a dance without partner.
words that carry on like weathered curtains,
moving with each whisper, of this vacant house.
(the way I just spent so much time beating myself into posting and then almost said "who cares" and deleted it. literally screaming at my own brain.)
Oh boy, well as usual, I was not prepared but feel inspired by you all. I've missed a ton of tags lately for lots of wonderful shares and tag games, and I'm so sorry.
After @cutestkilla and I gifted our song to Pati last week (linked at the bottom if you haven't heard it yet!) I started working on another song.
This is a cover of an old favorite, All I Have to do is Dream by The Everly Brothers. I wanted the song on the playlist for my WIP fic, currently known as sad!Baz, but couldn't find a version that felt as helpless, depressing and full of agonizing longing as I needed. 🫠 So...just trying to do it myself.
How do you transform a song, made to showcase gorgeous harmonies, into its most depressing version?? How about slow it down, strip it back and take away the harmonies so it's obvious just how alone you are in this deep pit of despair and longing. (sorry Baz, "it helps to hurt the most")
This is very rough, just literally kinda free styling vocals, (and not hitting notes, messing up Uke fingerings) and seeing what works.
Also I can NOT stop thinking about a particular scene in What's Left, by @cutestkilla while working on this song. (If you've read the fic you know. The hotel bed, waking from dreams. 😭❤️) And right away I was like, screw my playlist this should be a gift for Dre...but Dre is also the person I've been sending messages to non-stop about how to make this song work 🤣 so...not much of a surprise there. Dre, I'm publicly declaring this song will be dedicated to you and that scene. ❤️
INCREDIBLE FIC REC If you haven't read What's Left. Please don't let the tags scare you away. This fic has changed me as a person. It is beautiful!! Do not miss out!
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Gift Song by @cutestkilla and me, for @aristocratic-otter.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Thanks for tags lately and new tags: @fatalfangirl @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @whatevertheweather @cutestkilla @bookish-bogwitch @skeedelvee @whogaveyoupermission @artsyunderstudy @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @shrekgogurt @yellobb @palimpsessed @aristocratic-otter @martsonmars @johnwgrey @ic3-que3n @ileadacharmedlife @forabeatofadrum @facewithoutheart @jbrrring @raenestee @basiltonbutliketheherb @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @confused-bi-queer and probably so many more. I'm not good at juggling things lately.
On Christmas Day 2015, Simon Snow didn't walk out of the White Chapel alive.
But someone else did - The Insidious Humdrum. He's not really sure what happened, but he knows that whatever it was has changed him from being the greatest threat the World of Mages has ever known to… something else.
Now the Mage is on the lam, Baz is on his aunt's sofa, and the Humdrum is just trying to get by on his own in the big city.
(Kix is left 50 years in the future struggling to move one. He stays with Sidon Ithanos and his crew because they need him to decode the memory core they stole from a Separatist ship, and he needs them to survive.
With the memory core stolen and the identity of the thief revealed the Corsair crew is sent to Lothal to seek help to retrieve their stolen memory core.)
It felt like Kix had just been kicked in the head. Rex… father… Rex… father… those words play on repeat as his thoughts flounder while trying to make sense of it all. He tilts his head and shifts in his seat while staring at Maz. He blinks a few times, opens his mouth, shuts his mouth. He then shifts again, holds up a finger, opens mouth, pauses, shuts mouth, puts finger away.
“You broke him,” Reveth stares at Kix. She turns to face Sidon. “She broke our clone.”
Maz places a hand on the table towards Kix. “Breathe, child.”
He finally realizes he was holding his breath and lets out a long exhale. Once he swallows and regains himself, he manages to force a few words out, “Rex… you know him. Is he alive?”
Something in Maz’s eyes shift. She slides her hand off the table to rub her knuckles thoughtfully. Her eyes are staring down. “No, I’m afraid he passed many years ago.”
Kix feels his throat constrict. He stares at the stained table and nods. “The age acceleration.”
Maz’s eyes flick to him and then quickly away.
“Do you know where we can find him?” Quiggold speaks trying to keep the conversation on track. He reaches for the puck and slides it back into his pocket. “He has something of ours.”
Maz rubs her forehead tiredly. She shakes her head with a hand going up with the raise of her shoulders. “I don’t unfortunately. He stopped returning my message’s some years back.”
Then, under her breath, Kix hears her whisper, I’m just glad he’s alive.
“So, this was a waste…” Pendewqell mutters into his drink. Reveth shoves her empty plate away so she can perch her chin on her cybernetic arm. Some specs of green paint are still stuck to the chrome metal. Maz stares at Reveth with a quizzical eye.
“The paint on your arm,” Maz leans on the table and nods at Reveth, “Where did you get it?”
Kix thinks he sees Reveth turn a deeper shade of red. She didn’t exactly like talking about her defeats.
“That kid came in and thought the Shrike needed a new paint job,” She says with a tight jaw and then adds under her breath, “and us for that matter…”
Maz lets out a short hm. She pushes her chair away from the table, “Show me.”
They lead Maz out to the Shrike. Staring at it now, Kix and can see the black residue from the blast that made the ship lurch when the lights went out the second time. He couldn’t tell how bad it actually was but figured it couldn’t be too bad considering it got them to Takodana in one piece. When they make their way into the ship, Kix can still smell the chemicals of paint. Maz lifts a hand to her small chin and looks around. Reeg walks over to the control panel.
“We have to shut the lights off if you want to see it.” He says. She gives him a nod and the ship goes dark. Just like before the neon paint sprayed throughout the ship lights up. Maz lets out another hm and walks through the corridors admiring the artwork. He hears Quiggold huff.
“This is going to take forever to clean.” Quiggold mutters from the back.
“Well, his technique is improving.” Maz says at last.
“Oh good, at least his technique is improving.” Reeg grumbles earning a snort from Squeaky. The lights come on stinging their eyes from the sudden brightness. Sidon meets Maz’s gaze. She slips her glasses off to give them a shine from her shirt.
“There is someone who might know something about his whereabouts, but I can’t be certain,” She slips her glasses back on and holds a finger up at them, “but I do not give this information out freely.”
“What’s your price?” Sidon speaks making the crew fall silent. Maz stares at him.
“When you find him, you bring him to me. As unharmed as possible.”
Maz and Sidon stare at each other a moment longer before Sidon nods. “Very well.”
“Good,” she places her hands on her hips. “There is a pilot that is currently working out of Lothal. He might be able to point you in his direction. I will send you his information.”
“Thank you,” Quiggold says as they start to lead Maz off the ship. when she’s walking down the ramp Quiggold calls out to her, “this kid we’re after, he got a name?”
Maz pauses after stepping onto Takodana soil. She glances up at them. “He goes by Fives.”
The ship flies through hyperspace turning their view into thousands of streaks of passing stars. Kix inspects his blaster mostly so he’s not just staring at the ship walls. His mind reels. Rex is a father. His stole a Seppie memory core. His name is Fives. Kix falls back in his chair with a sigh. He rests the back of his head on the headrest so he’s staring up at the ship ceiling. It doesn’t seem quite real to Kix. Not that much did nowadays. It’s not like clones couldn’t have kids but he’s never known anyone to actually do it. Of course, they never had many chances to form real relationships with anyone outside of the army. He thinks back to a time when Jesse was convinced that he was love with a yellow twi’lek. She had broken it off after the first date. He had gotten over her by convincing Hardcase to throw eggs off of the barracks building with him. He can still hear Wolffe yelling when they accidently pelted the Commander in the back of the head. Before, that memory would have made Kix smile. Now it just sends aches through his chest.
“We’ll be dropping out of hyperspace in 3… 2…” Quiggold counts off until the bright streaks fade, and the image of a planet appears before them. Kix leans forward taking the planet in. Kix had never been to Lothal before. He felt like he should feel excitement or maybe even nerves of going somewhere new. But he felt nothing.
“Maz says our contact can be found on the outskirts of Lothal City.” Squeaky announces without looking up from his datapad.
“Lothal City on the planet Lothal? Very original.” Reeg mutters from his seat. Sidon stays standing with his arms crossed not saying a word. They lower the ship into the planet’s atmosphere and manage to lock on to some coordinates. They lower the Shrike down a short way from the base of a communication tower where Maz said the pilot would be. Everyone geared up like they were planning on going in blasters blazing. Kix couldn’t blame them. Fives made quick work to them; they weren’t about to let it happen again. The Corsair crew, named after one of Sidon’s many nicknames, had a reputation to uphold. Maz had said to bring Fives back as unharmed as possible. Kix guessed the kid would be lucky if he was still breathing by the time they delivered him to Maz.
Kix slips his helmet on before stepping off the Shrike’s ramp. Part of him wanted to take in the sunlight and enjoy the gentle breeze over the rolling landscape, but he needed to be as prepared as the others. He hasn’t gotten used to wearing his helmet with a full beard yet. Having hair on his head was annoying enough but the itchiness that stretches along his jaw was beyond irritating. He gives a few uncomfortable twitches and follows the others. While approaching the communication tower it was clear that the structure next to it was as new addition. The walls were a little to bright compared to the faded paint on the tower. When they reach the building, they can hear people mulling around inside. Reveth creeps up to the corner next to the garage opening and begins to signal for the others. Before any stealth maneuvers can be done, Sidon walks straight past her. She lowers her hand and gets to her feet with a frown. They may have prepared for a fight, but Sidon must not be expecting it. Or maybe he knows something they don’t?
They find themselves walking straight into the garage. Inside is a light freighter with clear wear and tear from years of possible battle. Kix keeps a tight grip on his blaster and follows their captain further inside before movement from the lowered freighter ramp gives them pause. A large… something walks down the ramp and readies her blaster. She’s covered in purple fur and Kix can’t place the species. He first thought Wookie but that doesn’t seem right.
“You’re trespassing on private land.” She calls out. Sidon doesn’t move but the rest of the crew tenses up. Sidon holds his hand silently towards Quiggold, and Quiggold carefully reaches into his pocket and retrieves the puck with the image of Fives. He hands it to their captain.
“I’m looking for your captain. Maz Kanata told us he could help us track this man down.” Sidon tosses the puck towards the woman. She catches it in her large hands but doesn’t take her eyes off them until the image of Fives lights up. Her eyes widen and then narrow. She curses under her breath and lowers her blaster making the crew lighten up. She gives a slight nod and disappears into the ship. They wait until they see two figures emerge from the ramp. A man stands with the puck in his hand. His eyes are locked on Sidon who still doesn’t move. The man has green hair that is pulled back into a low ponytail and Kix thinks he can see some green on the tips of his ears.
“The Crimson Corsair, I’ve heard much about you.” The man says from the ramp. Sidon nods his head slightly. The man glances down at the puck before meeting the captains gaze and tossing his chin towards the ship, signaling them to follow. They keep their guard up but enter the light freighter all the same. Inside, they’re led to a sitting area where a man sits playing Dejarik with a blue nautolan. When the man with green hair walks by, he shuts it off. The man sitting frowns and then stands surprised by the Corsair crew entering the small room. The nautolan stares at them from her seat with an unreadable expression.
“On behalf of myself and my crew, welcome to the Ghost,” The man with green hair stands on the other side of the room. The purple something stands next to him still wearing a deep frown. Now that the man who was playing Dejarik is standing, Kix can make out the Mandalorian armor. Kix gets a sour taste in his mouth. “I’m Jacen Syndulla, captain of this ship.”
“Syndulla, eh? Any relation to the pilot that helped start the rebellion?” Quiggold muses next to Sidon.
“She’s my mother, actually.” Jacen nods slightly. Quiggold doesn’t say anything else, just mumbles a few incoherent words of slight amazement. The Mandalorian stands next to Jacen with his arms crossed and eyes narrowed. Kix doesn’t take his eyes off him and feels his hands tighten on his blaster. Jacen cuts the tension with a sigh and lights up the puck revealing the image of Fives. “So, you’re looking for Fives? Why?”
“He has something of ours.” Quiggold answers. The Mandalorian rolls his eyes, and the purple woman shakes her head with a sigh. Jacen tosses the puck to Sidon who catches it seamlessly.
“Unfortunately, I don’t know where he’s at. He used to fly with us but… we had a few disagreements that led to him leaving.” Jacen shrugs his shoulders with eyes darting to the left. The Mandalorian snorts.
“That’s an understatement.” The Mandalorian shifts his weight with an eyeroll. Jacen eyes him slightly but keeps going.
“If Maz sent you then I feel inclined to help. She doesn’t give information about the family to just anyone.” Jacen studies the crew intently. Kix tilts his head. It’s because of him. Because Kix is a clone and a friend of Rex. Kix lets out a short sigh and steps forward. The Mandalorian sizes him up, ready to attack the second Kix steps out of line. Kix slings his blaster over his shoulder and reaches up to pull his helmet off. There’s a slight hiss from the seal of the helmet and then the soft gasp of the Ghost crew. Kix steadies his helmet in his hands staring at it to compose himself before lifting his eyes to the others. The faces of the woman, Jacen, and Mandalorian soften into shocked and almost sad expressions.
“Karabast…” the woman breathes with her shoulders relaxing. The Mandalorian, now lowering his guard, seems much less menacing from before. The nautolan still stares with an unreadable expression. Jacen blinks a few times with his jaw slightly dropped.
“Are you a… son of a clone?” he asks carefully. Kix swallows and steadies himself before speaking.
“No,” his voice sounds odd, as if it wasn’t him speaking at all. Everyone is staring at him, waiting for his response. He finds himself telling Jacen and his crew everything. How he tried to warn General Skywalker about the chips, getting captured by the Seppies, waking up 50 years later to this. When he’s done, he feels lightheaded. He hasn’t spoken this much since they first pulled him from his stasis pod. Jacen runs a hand through his green hair, digesting everything Kix has said.
“You really fought beside Rex in the Clone Wars?” the purple woman asks. Kix nods.
“Yeah, he was my captain. There was no one I trusted more.” Kix feels his chest tighten. The Mandalorian stares at the ship floor with his lips pressed into a tight line. Jacen places his hands on his hips.
“Alright then,” Jacen says finally, “we’ll help you find Fives.”
“Are you sure?” The Mandalorian snaps his head towards Jacen. Jacen pats his shoulder.
“Yeah,” Jacen gives a soft smile. He opens his mouth to say more but is interrupted when something hard rams into Kix’s legs. He stumbles forward, catching himself on the Dejarik table nearly running into the nautolan woman. He looks back to see a small orange droid fussing at him with its droid arms flailing in the air.
“Cut it out Chopper!” Jacen barks. The droid grumbles and speeds towards Jacen, nearly hitting him, and disappears through the ship doors. Jacen shakes his head. “Sorry about that, he’s a bit…” when he can’t find the right word he just goes “Eh?”
Kix rubs his bruised legs completely taken off by the droid’s sudden attack. Pendewqell gives a sudden snort, “That’s great and all, but how can you help us if you don’t know where he is?”
“I may not know where he is, but I do know a place he frequented when he was still a part of my crew.” Jacen crosses his arms with a smile. The Corsair crew looks to Sidon for his opinion.
“Kix, Reveth, and Pendewqell will accompany you. The rest will stay behind to repair the Shrike.” Sidon puts one hand on his hip. Jacen nods agreeing but the Corsair crew tenses. At least Reeg and Squeaky do. Kix couldn’t blame them. Repair the ship really meant cleaning all the paint off the walls. Sidon leads most of the crew back to the Shrike, leaving Kix, Reveth, and Pendewqell. With it just them now, Jacen walks over and claps the back of Kix’s shoulder. Kix tenses under the sudden touch.
“Glad to have you on board!” Jacen gives a wide smile. Kix can only manage a nod and follows him to the ships bridge. The droid is plugged into the side of the ship, so Kix makes sure to give it a wide berth. The purple woman takes a seat in the copilot chair and the Mandalorian and nautolan take seats behind them.
“Where are you taking us?” Reveth asks, still keeping her guard up. Pendewqell stands next to her looking just as tense.
“Fives used to frequent a bar called Qal Tic on Coruscant. He and the owner are,” Jacen pauses awkwardly before saying, “close. If anyone knows where Fives is its him.”
“What makes you think he’ll just willingly give us Fives location?” the woman asks while prepping the ship for flight.
“Fives pissed off the Crimson Corsair. If that doesn’t make him reveal where Fives is, then nothing will.” Jacen gives the woman a wink. “Besides, he’s not my only lead.”
She rolls her eyes. Kix finds a seat behind the Mandalorian when the Ghost begins to take off. Pendewqell claims a seat behind the silent nautolan and Reveth is determined to keep standing. When the Ghost starts to leave Lothal’s atmosphere the Mandalorian turns to him.
“So, you really knew Uncle Rex back in his prime?” the Mandalorian arches a brow at him but wears a smile. Kix nods. Uncle?
Kix shifts uneasily in his seat. “So how did you know Rex?”
“He was good friends with my parents back when they were taking the Empire down. He used to babysit me, Jacen, and Azil.” He nods towards Jacen and the purple woman.
Kix nods. “Got a name?”
The Mandalorian extends a hand for him to shake, “Caleb Bridger.”
