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Hello hello, what's up my friends? Sit back, relax, pour yourself a littoral libation, and put on some Friday Sea Creatures tunes. The world is crazy right now, but not crazier than sea creatures, because let's be honest, sea creatures are fucking insane. Case in point:

The Pearlfish (Carapidae)

Pearlfish Facts:

So picture this, you're a sea cucumber, right? Going about your daily business, breathing through your anus, just doing normal sea cucumber stuff really. Then, right as you yawn - it's getting a bit late - a pearlfish swims headfirst straight up your butt, and eats your 'nads. Them's the breaks, kid.

Actually, some enter headfirst, some enter tailfirst, and our boy Edwin Linton, the godfather of parasitic worm research, says some "tap once or twice, as though politely but excitedly asking permission." (His seminal 1907 paper on the pearlfish is worth a read in its entirety, but in short, he was bored in his lab, was squishing sea cucumbers to pass the time, and when he squished his third or fourth one, a pearlfish came out.)

So what can I, a poor helpless sea cucumber, do to defend myself against this menace?! Chris M, on his excellent echinoderm blog Echinoblog, sums it up: "two words: anal teeth." (Google further at your own risk.) Ah yes, the old anus dentata defence.

In addition to their unusual domestic habits, pearlfish are also the Jim Marshalls of the ocean, pioneering the use of oyster shells as underwater amps, which presumably go up to eleven. What instruments do they use to produce their melodies in the first place? A hardened part of the swim bladder that is called, I kid you not, the "rocker bone." Rock on, pearlfish

And remember friends, as the saying goes, don't cast pearlfish before swinefish.

Bonus Pearlfish: