#whoevenreadsthese

[amazingchildofmysummer-blog]

I'm still carrying emotional baggage from Eric that should've ended way back when it actually ended..

I basically have a virtual fwb that's like a total bro the majority of the time but then occasionally a bit of hoe is thrown in..

Trying to attract male attention IRL and failing so hard it hurts.

And then there's open relationship guy.. I honestly don't know where to go with that, I thought I was ending everything last night but somehow between 2 in the morning and now my brain did a 180 and said maybe I can do this.

but I'm probably lying to myself anyway.

[theothersideoftheland]

Maybe I just would like a girlfriend.

[tea-and-typewriters]

I hate this feeling, I don't even know what I'm feeling, it's everything and nothing all at the same time. What is wrong me?

[amazingchildofmysummer-blog]

So I barely get on here anymore because I've been dealing with things more intense then the internet, personal problems, anxiety out the wazoo, medical emergencies, etc.

But from my on and off absence and I'm sure I've written about it before, I've met someone. He lives like an hour away and we only see each other about once a month but texts alone seem to suffice for us. We're not in a relationship there is no official "us" but he makes me want to change my views on relationships and trust and lust, blah blah blah. We have feelings for each other but they're not intense enough to keep it together, he's already told me he's communicating with someone else even though there's nothing there and as we speak I'm scouring my long forgotten dating profiles looking for a new person to converse with, not in the romantic way but just because I'm bored and lonely. He tells me he really does like me, my personality, my attitude even the fact that I'm "full figured" in nicer terms, but I still can't shake that the only reason he's keeping me around is so I'll be the next conquest because yes as I've mentioned before I am a virgin and seeing as me and him have this odd interest in each other he knows as well. He's not the type of person to strike me as being malicious in that way but I guess it's what happens when it's something you've been so used to for years, and yet he's not like the others, he doesn't use pet names, doesn't shower me with compliments at least 3 times a week, fuck, he's too busy to text half the time and yet I still have this strong interest, he doesn't treat me the way I'm used to, be nice and talk shit later, keep flirting until I give in to whatever, basically he knows what he wants when he wants and how to tell me and it just drives me nuts, I really have no control over him, whether he continues to talk to me or not is of his own choosing and that's what scares me. We're so precarious about a lot of things half the time, this could all be gone tomorrow if he wanted it to be. If I wanted it to be, I know I've felt like I've had "grown up" relationships before but this honestly feels like the first one, and it scares me and excites me all at the same time. Because at this point the only thing I feel for this boy is lust, when it was puppy love with all the others.