Chapter 5: A Bit of Mayhem
I really enjoyed this chapter, so I'm posting it here for people to enjoy! Family fun and mayhem for everyone! (You can click the link for a more reader-friendly format than dear ol' Tumblr.)
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Summary: Lydia's plan goes into action.
Friday afternoon was HOT.
Summer had dropkicked Spring all the way into next year, and now was hovering over Winter Pines, rubbing its hands together and laughing maniacally. Heat haze shimmered constantly, the black top had turned into a tar pit, what bits of shade that could be found were pale shadows of their former selves, and the telephone poles along main street had begun to wilt. It was so hot that even the jingle of the ice cream truck sounded like a cry for mercy.
“Kid,” Beetlejuice said, drooping as he followed Lydia home. “You have got to let me teleport you. I’m a corpse. I’m going to start rotting in this heat.”
Lydia held her nose. “You sure you haven’t already?”
Rolling his eyes, he stretched his arm out so he could flick her forehead. “Oh ha-ha. Just for that, I’m going to take over the garbage truck and unload it right into your bedroom window. Then you’ll know the truth about stench."
“You could take off your coat, maybe loosen your tie?” He clutched at his coat and she sighed. “Or not. You do realize I have no intention of stealing your stinky old coat, right? I don’t think the even most desperate homeless person out there would even consider it as an option. Heck, I wouldn’t let an undead cat have undead kittens on it!”
He frowned at her. “Okay. Hurtful.”
"Truthful. Your whole outfit could use a wash even more than you.”
Grumbling, he folded his arms and went into a sulk. Lydia matched his silence until they got to the house. Her gaze moved to the window. Yes, there it was. A bright blue crystal set on the sill. That was the signal that all was prepared.
“I’m going to go change into something cooler,” she said, quickly dumping her bag and shoes and heading for the stairs. “Why don’t you raid the freezer?”
He brightened. “Popsicles?”
“Why not? It’s the day for it.”
Humming happily, Beetlejuice drifted into the kitchen and started poking around in the freezer. Finding his prize, he pulled the wrapper off, ate that, then stuck the popsicle in his mouth. Even though he was alone for the moment, (where were Delia and the Maitlands anyway?) he amused himself by wrapping his long tongue around the popsicle in a suggestive manner, and then giggling as he imagined everyone’s reaction.
Someone cleared their throat behind him and he forced himself not to tense. God/Satan he needed to get over this ‘not liking people behind me’ thing. Sure, he’d never felt comfortable with anyone behind him, but after the whole ‘bad art’ incident, it gave him knots in his stomach like he was going to puke— He should get over it.
Taking a breath, he put a grin on his face and gave the popsicle an extra innuendo-inducing lick as he turned. “Adam… hey s— my man. How ya been?”
Adam gave him what he could only describe as a sheepish smile. “Sorry about this. Have fun, okay?”
“Wha—?” Before he could finish his question, the backdoor flew open behind him and Adam gave him a ghost-powered shove.
Beetlejuice was unprepared, which was the only reason he went flying. And being unprepared was the only reason he hit the grass on his back, plowing up a furrow of dirt, instead of landing on his feet or doing a backflip, as he definitely would’ve done under any other circumstance. That was his story, and he would stick to it.
Groaning, Beetlejuice started to sit up when a shadow fell over him. It was Charles, wearing a dingy t-shirt, those dad sandals that were one step short of flip-flops, and… green swim shorts? The fuck? He was also wearing a huge grin. That was unusual, but it wasn’t what set alarm bells ringing through Beetlejuice’s head. What got the alarm bells going was the absolutely enormous water gun pointed right at his chest.
Still smiling, Charles pulled the slide on the gun and said, “You have to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?”
Beetlejuice had barely enough time to register that Charles was not only quoting Dirty Harry, but quoting it correctly, before he got blasted.
Swearing, he tried to get away, completely forgetting that he was a demon with powers stupid humans could only dream of.
“BJ! Over here!”
Delia’s voice got his attention and he looked to see her around the corner of the house. She was laughing! But she was also waving to him, urging him over, and all he wanted was to get away from the ungodly amount of water being sprayed on him, so he teleported.
“Cheater!” Charles shouted as he reappeared next to Delia.
Still laughing, Delia used a towel to wipe his face, then pushed something into his hands. “I’m nicer than Charles. I’ll give you a ten second head start.”
“What?!” He looked down to find himself holding a super soaker (not as big as Charles’s, though). Another look showed that Delia was in a tie-dye bikini and a crochet cover-up, and was duel-wielding two water pistols. Normally, he would’ve made a comment, but he was kept from doing so by another stream of water. This one wasn’t aimed at him though, and Delia shrieked, dancing in place as Charles roared with laughter. She whirled on her fiancée, guns held sideways, gangster style.
“Oh, I’ll get you for that, Charles!”
Taking advantage of the distraction, Beetlejuice dashed off, still not knowing what in hellgates was going on. His confusion was compounded as he saw Lydia jumping out her window.
He scrambled to catch her, only to realize that Barbara had beat him to it and was lowering the girl down. Both women saw him and started laughing.
“I see the fight’s begun already!” Lydia shouted, and raised her own gun—which looked bigger than she was— and pointed it right at him as she floated. “Prepare for annihilation.”
“Not you too!” he wailed, back peddling and just barely avoiding the shot she took at him. The grass was already slippery, and the tread on his boots was so worn it was like running across a marble floor in socks. “What the fuck is going on?!”
“It’s hot, you doofus! We’re cooling off! Fight back!”
“What?!”
“Delia gave you your gun. Point and shoot, or surrender now.” Lydia landed, gave Barbara a thumbs up, then turned to Beetlejuice. Her smile frightened him and he found himself clutching his gun to himself like a shield and backing up. She must’ve seen his confused fear, because, more gently, she said, “This is supposed to be fun, BJ. Just a little bit of mayhem to beat the heat. A water fight.” She motioned to herself and the swimsuit she wore. “You have to have seen water fights before, right?”
Water fights?
He looked down at the gun, then back at her, and the smile she wore was suddenly less ominous. He knew what her fake smile looked like, he reminded himself. Lydia actually was a pretty terrible liar. She was smiling like she had when they were haunting the house, or singing during their revenge concert. Like she was… having fun. Not like she had when she’d come back from the Netherworld with a plan for murder.
Okay, so this was just playing? He heard Delia and Charles laughing behind him, and relaxed some more. They laughed like that while playing games, or cooking, or even cleaning the house sometimes.
This was playing.
He looked back down at his water gun again, smiled, and brought it to bear— and immediately got hit in the face. Sputtering, he swiped the water from his eyes and laughed, really laughed. “Oh you little nerk! It is on!”
“Bring it, bug boy!”
Beetlejuice had just managed to score a hit when both he and Lydia were ambushed by Charles and Delia, who had teamed up. The next few minutes were filled with chaos, which was right up his alley once he got used to the idea that he wasn’t the only cause. Didn’t mean he couldn’t be a major contributor though.
Beetlejuice pulled off a fantastic slide through Charles’s legs, then shot him right in the butt. Charles yelped and did a most undignified dance, and Delia laughed so hard she fell down, which made her easy prey for Lydia.
“You know what would make this even more awesome?” Beetlejuice asked, getting to his feet and holding his gun up like an action star. The three Deetz’s eyes widened in horror as Beetlejuice answered his own question: “MORE ME!”
The clones poofed into being, all of them holding some form of water gun. One next to Lydia tried to squirt her, only to find that his gun was empty. It glared at Beetlejuice and stamped its foot, gesturing toward the gun then at Lydia. Obviously, it felt cheated. She started to giggle, but kindly refrained from shooting the unarmed.
“I can’t make food or drink, remember? Go fill those up.” Beetlejuice pointed to the kiddie pool they’d been using for fast refills (and a dunking pond). There was a mass scramble in that direction. Delia tried to cut them off, only to get squirted by Beetlejuice. “Oh no you don’t! You people wanted some mayhem, so I’m going to make sure you get mayhem!”
“I’m on Beetlejuice’s side now!” Lydia shouted, defecting to the side with overwhelming numbers like the smart girl she was.
“Traitor,” Charles accused. “I buy you pizza and this is how you repay me?”
She brought her gun up. “Sorry Dad, but there is no loyalty in— Wait, you bought pizza?”
“Of course. We’re going to be hungry after this. Delivery should arrive in half an hour. Also, no betrayal take backs.” He soaked her from head to toe while she squealed and laughed. By that point, the clones had their guns ready to go and everything devolved into PVP.
Barbara watched Beetlejuice… playing, there was no other word for it, and could barely believe the difference. It was as if he’d shed some invisible, uncomfortable weight, and was now free to act like a… a person, not a demon. Soaked to the bone, hair and suit plastered to his skin, he laughed like a little kid as he scooped up a flailing Delia and dropped her in the kiddie pool, only to get pulled in after her. The splash as he hit the water was too big to be natural, because it managed to get both Charles and Lydia, who were standing a fair distance away.
Delia and Beetlejuice both sat in the middle of the pool, leaning on each other, almost paralyzed by the cold water and their own laughter, but Beetlejuice didn’t hesitate at all when Charles offered him a hand up. He also didn’t hesitate to join Charles in hunting down Lydia after she sniped them both from behind some bushes.
Was this the Beetlejuice Lydia saw and loved so much? The one who had haunted their house with her, helped her play school-wide pranks, and practiced music and dancing with her? It must be. In that moment, Barbara understood why Lydia had chosen this particular method to bring the ‘family’ together. What better method to get a mischievous demon to let his guard down than to play a mischievous game?
She felt Adam put an arm around her waist and she leaned against him, both of them watching their family playing outside. Their job had been to keep the doors and windows shut so Beetlejuice couldn’t escape inside, but that didn’t look like it was going to be an issue anymore. He was having too much fun.
Beetlejuice summoned his clones and Adam kissed the top of her head, then chuckled. “Looks like it’s our turn.”
Lydia had wanted to make sure that the Maitlands were included in the fun and games today, and they had told her not to worry, that they’d be fine watching. What they hadn’t told her was that they had a scheme of their own.
Giggling, Barbara took a leaf from a certain demon’s book and said, “It’s Showtime!”
Beetlejuice, almost out of ‘ammo’ and on his way to get a refill, was the first to spot the garden hose uncoiling itself. It had been left in the kiddie pool, and none of them paid any attention to it except to make sure it was on enough to keep the pool full.
Stunned, all he could do was stare, mouth agape, as the hose rose up like a particularly large and skinny snake. Then the tap turned and the hose hit him full blast. He tried to get away, slipped, and ate dirt.
“Holy shit! Retreat!” he shouted, or tried to shout. It came out more of a gurgle. Since he was facedown in muddy grass, he wasn’t witness to much, but he could hear the Deetz yelling and he felt his clones’ alarm as their weapons ran dry. Shaking his eyes clear of mud, he looked around and saw that they’d all been rounded up.
The sound of laughter directed his attention to the roof, and he was in for his third big shock that day, and probably the biggest of all. The freaking Maitlands were on the roof, Adam obviously directing the actions of the hose snake, but what was Barbara up to? His question was answered as she raised her arms and a veritable swarm of water balloons rose into the air.
“Blitz!” he hollered, just before the swarm descended.
As a fat, pink balloon splashed all over him, he discovered that these were no ordinary water balloons. They had bubbles in them. Was that even a thing? How was that possible? He sneezed and a bunch of bubbles flew away. It was so ridiculous he started laughing again, and used his magic to give the bubbles a boost so that when the next balloon hit Lydia, she resembled a snowman in an instant.
This brought a whole new element to the game, and he couldn’t help but urge more bubbles into being, until the backyard was awash in them. The smallest of the clones and Lydia were actually able to army crawl under and through the mess, and they, along with Adam’s hose snake, became everyone else’s nemesis.
Finally, actually tired for once, Beetlejuice sat down amidst the sea of bubbles, still chuckling as his clones vanished one by one with a flourish and a bow.
Delia waded over to him, smiling broadly. “Tuckered out? Perfect timing. Pizza should be here soon, and we don’t want to give them a reason to take us off their delivery list again. Would you mind clearing this away, sweetie?”
Sweetie. Trying to ignore how being called by an actual pet name made him feel all fuzzy inside, he waved a hand at the frothy bubbles, sending the lot flying away in a strong breeze. Rule Three, after all. Clean up after yourself.
Charles had taken possession of the hose and was using it to rinse himself and Lydia free of bubbles. “Come over here, you two,” he called. Delia pulled Beetlejuice back to his feet and they obediently went over to get rinsed.
“Did you have fun, Beej?” Lydia asked.
Slicking his hair away from his face, he grinned at her. “Yeah actually. When did you come up with this, you little chaos gremlin?”
“Earlier this week. The news said a heatwave was going to hit today, and it had been a long time since I had a good water fight, so I figured it would be fun for everyone.” She looked up at the Maitlands, who were sitting on the edge of the roof, obviously pleased with themselves, and laughed. “They got me though. I wonder where they got all those water balloons from!”
He put a hand on his hip and followed her gaze, squinting up at the two ghosts. Then he smiled and waved for Charles to wait a minute with the hose. “You know, they should get the whole experience. Just to be fair.”
Barbara and Adam were watching the bubbles, still visible in the distance, and wondering how far they’d drift, when there was a pop! of displaced air in front of them. Beetlejuice appeared, floating and grinning ear to ear.
“Hey Adam, remember that Flashdance bit I did when we first met?” Reaching up, he pulled an invisible rope, and all the remaining water from the kiddie pool was dumped on top of them.
It had been more than a month since either Maitland had experienced the sensation of being wet, and a lot longer than that since they’d been soaked while fully dressed. It had also been a long time since they’d really experienced temperature. Having cold water dumped over them was a shock, to say the very least
Barbara managed a tiny shriek, while Adam just gasped and coughed. Once the flood had stopped, they shook water out of their eyes, looked at each other, then burst out laughing.
“Oh my goodness!” Adam laughed, grinning broadly. He turned his smile on Beetlejuice, who seemed startled by this reaction. “How did you do that?”
“Uh, I dunno? I just do it.” Beetlejuice eyed them both warily. “You guys could do it too. It’s in the damn Handbook. Like, chapter seven. Re-uniting the state of immaterial with that of the material plane through the application of conviction and expectation."
“Thank you. And thanks for the tip,” Adam said encouragingly.
“Yeah, sure.” Giving them a last confused look, he vanished, reappearing down with the rest of the family.
Adam turned to her, still smiling, and pushed hair away from her face. “That was refreshing. We should give those chapters another try tonight!”
“We’ll do that,” Barbara agreed. They sat, enjoying themselves, then a thought occurred to her. “Um, Adam? How are we going to dry off?”
Notes: Buy a water gun and soak someone you love today.
