#within and without

[i-didnt-do-1t]

Explicitly queer Nick my Everything

[mymelodic-chapel]

Washed Out- Within and Without (Chillwave, Dream Pop, Synthpop) Released: July 6, 2011 [Sub Pop Records] Producer(s): Ben H. Allen, Ernest Greene

[genterie]

Washed Out - Within And Without cover edit by: @legoalbums

[divaricca]

The body is . . . a point from which to rethink the opposition between the inside and the outside, the public and the private, the self and other, and all the other binary pairs associated with mind/body opposition.

—Elizabeth Grosz (1994: 21)

[hestiaember]

Within [and] Without //self-para

April  This time, it is not an early rise, fueled by anxious energy and a wine-hangover to catch the first train back to Twelve and whisk herself blissfully away from the Capitol for another three months and back to life, her real life. This time, she had to disentangle herself woefully from the gentlest arms she’d ever known, press goodbyes and promises against his cheeks. She nearly misses her ride home-- she has to go back to her own room in the Tower across the street, drowning in a shit and sweats that are not hers, her ball gown balled up in her arms. Her cheeks burn the whole way, and she prays she sees nobody she knows. She still receives a couple of cheeky, knowing looks from a few strangers on the street. She spends the entire ride home wishing she could crawl back into the warm bed above the tattoo parlor.

May

Motherhood never stops-- there are skinned knees and low-budget school plays and dinners large enough to feed a small army. This time of year is always full of chaos, and the days pass quickly. She forgets some meals, naps extra, hardly pays any attention to herself to try to get her children through the busy final weeks of their respective school years before there is a short break. The few times she gets moments, she does try to talk to Luca, but it’s never long enough. They’re both so busy, have such intense lives when apart. It occurs to her around the end of May that her period is a couple weeks late, but it’s not so unusual for her-- how many Games have stressed her to the point of skipping? The thought passes as quickly as it comes. June Of course, when rest is on the horizon, the house comes down with the stomach flu early in the month-- Hestia falls prey too. However, where chicken broth and herbal teas and plenty of rest coax the rest of the household back to their normal selves within a couple of days, she can’t seem to shake it. The days lengthen, she struggles to keep up. She naps every day, sometimes twice. She hardly eats, and when she does, it takes valiant effort to keep it down. She loses more often than not. She wishes Luca was there to help, but she says nothing. He has his life, his business to run. She couldn’t possibly ask anything of him when he’s already done so much for her, unprompted. She asks Reyna to step in instead.

Two weeks pass, and she does the math over and over in her mind, more and more each day. Eight weeks since her last period. Six weeks since the ball. Two weeks of nausea.  What else could the math add up to? There’s guilt. Excitement. Fear. Love. Guilt, again. This world is cruel, she has made it a point to dedicate her life to easing suffering of those already here, not introducing it needlessly.  What has she done?

[howifeltabouthim]

I couldn't stop thinking, my thoughts kept attacking my head; I was my angry thoughts, but I also watched them.

Alice Notley, from Certain Magical Acts

[orenstern]