Review of Wolffy's Hamburgers
Article by Minnesota Jones
Situated right on the edge of campus, Wolffy’s Hamburgers has one of the most renowned reputations of any eatery within the Gonzaga community. Not only are the burgers hearty and the milkshakes frothy, this vintage hotspot also transports customers to the Happy Days of the 1950s. This novelty diner is a time machine.
Literally.
When I first walked through the door, I didn’t notice anything amiss or out of place. They just seemed to execute the theme exceedingly well. Elvis crooned from the jukebox and decently dressed youngsters chatted pleasantly. The poodle skirts didn’t really strike me as odd, even though they were worn by employees and customers alike.
I hopped on one of the stools and ordered a cheeseburger and fries from a kindly frycook sporting a “Vote for Eisenhower” pin on his lapel. The first thing that struck me as odd was a news bulletin coming from a nearby radio. The newscaster was vehemently warning listeners about something called the Red Scare, which was apparently an epidemic sweeping America.
I didn’t know much about this so-called “epidemic,” so I pulled out my iPhone to check my CNN app for further details. Immediately, the whole restaurant turned on me and regarded me suspiciously. The proprietor asked who I was working for, and I wasn’t sure how to respond. I simply asked if I could use the restaurant’s wi-fi signal, which apparently was the wrong thing to say. He called me a “commie” and accused my iPhone of being Russian spy technology. Suddenly, everyone in the restaurant ducked to the ground and covered their heads while screaming bloody murder. A man in a suit who called himself Senator McCarthy burst through the door and swiftly secured a black bag over my head.
Luckily, right before I was about to be interrogated with electroshock therapy, a red Chevy drove through the wall of the diner and knocked the Senator unconscious, allowing me to struggle free. I guess the driver of the Chevy had been drinking and driving while on a cross-country road trip. He introduced himself as Jack Kerouac and asked if I was interested in some Benzedrine. Not really knowing what that was, I politely declined and exited the diner through the new crater in the wall, returning to the 2012 reality I know and love.
Eating at Wolffy’s was an experience of some sort. I would rate this restaurant an OK+ out of 6.