Some advice for productivity and generally optimizing your life. You're probably more likely to be able to work efficiently if you feel the rest of your life is a well-oiled machine, otherwise how the fuck are you meant to be do anything productive with your day if you can't even figure out an established routine to get out of bed in the morning. You worthless piece of shit. Try these lifehacks on for size: Get out the house in time:
"Make your playlist exactly as long as you have to get ready in the morning. Go from chill songs to more energetic. You will be able to tell how you are doing on time by the currently playing song. "
This hack also involves a bit of gamification, in that you can 'race' against yourself to best the time of your playlist. See how quickly you can shove that boiled egg down your throat while you sit on the toilet playing with your ipad, responding to emails, finding out what latest dick move Putin is doing in The Economist app.
Make sure you get your flashdisk back if lost:
Put an "identification.txt" file in your flash driver. Include all relevant contact info so you can get it back if you lost it. Buy more time for a late paper if you are lax on ethics:
"Grab a jpg, mp3, or some other media file and rename if 'My Awesome Essay.doc' and send to professor. The 'paper' will look 'corrupt' and it'll but you a day or two more". Finding sources for your thesis/paper if you have no idea where to begin:
"I you are charged with writing a lengthy research paper, find one very solid source that directly pertains to your thesis, and then you can use that source's bibliography to back into locating new sources. Alternatively use the bibliography of a Wikipedia entry".
*Sorry I don't know the source of this information. I got some of these tips from one of those huge scrollable images with like 5000 'tips' written on them. I left off 'how to peel a banana' for the sake of brevity, and my sanity.