xiilnek replied to your photo “I just saw that Cobie Smulders turned 36 today. Which means she is…”
I don’t share your experience in detail but this feeling is one I relate to, and it almost helps to see someone else has the same feelings - ones I wasn’t even aware could be put to those words. It’s like life is tied to all these milestones that I can’t reach. I’d be interested, if you ever felt up to it, in a post explaining how you avoid being bitter about the things you mentioned and how you stay upbeat, because I’m bitter as hell and mostly incapable of optimism.
If I’m being completely honest, I think part of the reason is luck. There are just some emotions that I naturally seem to cope with better. I have trouble with sadness and loneliness. I get anxiety and I am a huge worry wart. But I have learned to reject toxic emotions like jealousy, bitterness, anger, and rage. I still feel those things from time to time, but they don’t affect me as much and they are quickly flushed from my emotional system.
But I don’t think that means you cannot learn to process these emotions as well.
Let’s talk about singing for a moment. Some people are super good at singing from the moment they open their mouth and hit that first note. Natural talent is great and if you got it, you should use it. I was never a great singer. But I took voice lessons and learned the hardest kind of singing. I found an operatic instructor and I absorbed as much knowledge as possible. I practiced my scales constantly. I was hitting notes I didn’t think were possible. And when I went to competition, I got a 2. (Which was very good.) I showed my teacher my award and then he gave me the greatest compliment I had ever gotten.
“Ya know, when you first came to me and sang I thought you were hopeless. You were absolutely terrible. I’ve never seen a student improve that much.”
Basically, he was very surprised I didn’t suck anymore.
I think learning to cope with difficult emotions is a lot like learning to sing without natural talent. You have to practice. You have to work at it. But most importantly, you have to fail. Each time you fail you learn something new. As Yoda said, “The greatest teacher, failure is.”
In my previous post I talked about my successful doctor friend. When I saw my friend achieving life goals and becoming a doctor and doing amazing things, I said that I didn’t feel bitter or jealous. I only felt left behind. I felt left behind because I had a harder time relating to him. I didn’t know what it was like to be a doctor. Or a father. Or a husband. And it just kind of made us drift a part. We still love each other. But we just don’t talk very much anymore.
But I am soooo proud of him. A person that I love achieved great things. And I had a small part in helping him do that! That’s amazing!
I took him in as a friend. He was shy and disconnected from the world. He had never even tasted spaghetti. He had never played video games. He didn’t have any real friends. I helped him break out of his shell. He found his sense of humor. Suddenly he was making friends of his own. He asked a girl out! (Which, if you knew him before, that was a super big deal.) I’m not saying his life wouldn't’ have turned out great without me. He’s the smartest and most hard working person I’ve ever met. He was destined for greatness. But I do think I altered his trajectory a bit. And that isn’t nothing. The pride and love I have for him so outweighs any jealous feelings and smashes them into nothing.
The truth is, if you love someone, you should cheer to the heavens when they succeed. Love is greater than bitterness. It is greater than jealousy. And I think if you start viewing things through the lens of love you will feel those toxic emotions to a much lesser degree.
It’s also important to reject comparison. You are you. You do not have to measure yourself against other people. You must only assess yourself. You must ask if you are doing all that you can given your circumstances. I cannot leave my bed. I cannot leave my house. I am exhausted every second of my life. Yet I built a comedy blog from absolutely nothing to half a million followers. My work has been seen by millions of people. Considering my circumstances, I think I did okay.
Maybe you haven’t achieved a big goal. And maybe that has you feeling pessimistic. But maybe your goal did not fit your circumstances. Maybe your goal was based on what other people were able to do. You have to be realistic about your limitations and then pick a goal that is conducive to your reality. If I had held on to my dream of being a famous stand up comic, I would probably be super depressed right now. But I found a realistic way to deliver my comedy to the masses.
To be clear, I’m not saying to lower your bar of expectations. I’m saying to stop using other people’s bars and create your own new shiny bar.
Also, I think being upbeat and optimistic are two very misunderstood things. No one is upbeat and optimistic 24/7. If you set that as your measure for success, then you will actually sabotage your efforts to be upbeat and optimistic. I get down. I still feel hopeless at times. I can get cynical and grumpy. Hell, I just recently went like a year without speaking to anyone.
I think it’s important to realize that you will fall down. And the optimism comes from knowing that when you fall down, you will eventually get back up. And when you get back up, you will learn something new. And that thing you learned will make it easier to get up the next time. The more you fall and get back up, the more confident you will be about getting back up.
The first time I fell into a giant hole of despair I didn’t think there was any way I would crawl back out of it. I seriously thought it was all over. And I almost did something very drastic. But I didn’t. And I eventually climbed out of that hole.
Progress is never a straight line going up. It is a series of ups and downs that have a mostly upward trajectory over time. Essentially a mathematical representation of “This, too, shall pass.”
Each new hole I fall into I find myself panicking less. Because I know from experience that I will eventually find a way out. I learned from my failures and I can now cope like a motherfucker.
So try and figure out why you are bitter. Look at it through a lens of love. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling that way. Process the emotion and let it go.
Look back on that emotional journey. Learn what you did wrong. What you can improve. And the next time bitterness strikes, apply what you’ve learned. It will not happen overnight, but eventually you, too, will cope like a motherfucker. And always remember that failure is not a bad thing. If you do a bad job of coping, learn from it.
I’m sorry if this was all a bit nebulous. It’s hard to put emotional repair techniques into words. But hopefully some of this made sense. And hopefully you can put a few things to good use.
If you feel like this is causing you great pain I highly recommend therapy. Much like my vocal teacher, they can help you find ways to improve with time and hard work.
Just remember that you are not stuck with the first therapist you see. If you don’t feel chemistry with them. If you don’t feel comfortable telling them the absolute truth. Don’t be afraid to try someone new.
Take care and have a lovely evening.
