Pairing: TaiVan (Taissa Turner x Van Palmer, Yellowjackets - Pre!Crash) (tai focus)
Tags: @butchersprophet @vanpalmerdefender @vanpalmertruther (follow my moots or I’ll cry)
soooo,,, enough of y’all wanted taivan oneshots that i feel the need to post a sample. and by that i mean literally three of y’all. i will be tagging said moots for people to follow. anyway, if this is well received i will start more and maybe even open up requests? no smut this time because this is just testing the waters since i usually dont write on here, SO…! (i honestly don’t even know how i feel about this. i write all the time but this is my first attempt at Yellowjackets.) but if y’all like my writing, i’ll keep going, k, bye.
OH AND ALSO, i know that tai comes from a typical middle class family (or at least i think that’s what’s canon?) this is just my own interpretation of her mother and how she shaped tai.
okay, without further adieu, i present to you a pre!crash taivan oneshot featuring tai coming out to van (and failing to come out to her mother.) (and a kiss at the end cause i love y’all) (picture is just there for visibility idk)
TAISSA TURNER DOES NOT GET NERVOUS. In fact, she can’t remember ever being nervous a day in her life. Maybe the day she started kindergarten? But that was so many years ago that she can’t even remember. In a way, though, kindergarten shaped the course of Taissa’s life. The moment she let go of her mother’s hand that day, she was practically on her own. Except, not really. Her mother and father still supported her - of course they did! - but they weren’t always the most attentive. Her parents were winners. They wanted to raise a winner. After all, if her parents could survive segregation, could march for their rights and fight for hers, then who is Tai to spit in their faces? Who is Tai to not succeed?
So, of course Tai wants to go to Columbia or Howard or the fanciest school she could get into. In fact, she wants to get an acceptance letter to every Ivy League out there just to say she did. Why? Because Taissa Turner is a god damned winner.
But, right now, she doesn’t feel very much like a winner.
Her sneakers, pristine and still as white as the day she got them, squeaked against the overly polished floor as she approached her mother in the kitchen. Her mother is a go-getter. She walks out of the door every single day with her head held high and a gleam in her eyes. She fought to be seen in this world, and she intends to take everything she can from it. But that’s the thing about success. You get addicted to it. Once you taste it, it’s all you want. It becomes all that matters. And what matters to Taissa’s mom is having a normal, beautiful, successful family. Normal. That word is relative, isn’t it? Subjective?
Taissa is normal. She has to be normal.
But… people don’t think that who she loves is normal, do they? Not right now. Maybe not ever.
Her mother continues to rifle through her purse. She doesn’t even notice her. When did she stop noticing her? “Mom.” She doesn’t even blink. “Mom, I have to tell you something.”
The woman looks up at her for a few seconds. There’s barely a flicker of her acknowledgment in her hazel eyes before she’s back to rummaging in her brown purse. Louis Vuitton. Tai remembers her saving up to get it. Her mother purses her full, red painted lips as she digs for something. Finally, she moves to tuck a dark curl behind her ear - except there aren’t any loose because she always keeps her hair pulled back on mondays - and puffs out an exasperated sigh. “What is it, Taissa? Talk fast. I’m going to be late for work.”
“I know, but it’s important, and I-”
“Have you seen the car keys? I swear, they get up and walk away”, the older woman murmurs.
Taissa sighs. She’s getting frustrated now. She really doesn’t mean to be so short tempered, but she can’t help it. “If you would just listen to me for a few seconds-”
But, once again, her mother barely even sees her. And perhaps she stopped seeing Taissa long ago, if it’s not about straight A’s and what she’ll major in in college. “Hey, did you make captain the other day? I know you were talking about how excited you were.”
The question feels like being doused with ice water. Sometimes, Tai isn’t even sure if she actually likes soccer, or if she plays because it’s what everyone expects. Because she’s tall, and athletic, and it looks good on college apps. But she’s really good at it, best on her team even, and it’s a good way to get all her aggression out. She likes it more than she’ll ever let on. If she could play it on her own without a team, though, she probably would. Look, Tai isn’t always much of a team player, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s the best player on the god damned team, so why the fuck did she get passed over for that varsity captain spot? And why the fuck did it go to god damned Jackie Taylor? Was Coach Martinez blind? No, no, she wouldn’t get upset. Jackie is a good player, and a nice girl - even if she could be a bit selfish sometimes. But not selfish in the sense that Jackie is cruel. Selfish in the sense that Jackie doesn’t always seem to see the world for what it really is. She thinks that everything can be fixed with nice words and team hangouts and positive affirmations. Tai thinks that things only get fixed through hard work and dedication. The way to win is not to outlast everyone else, but to surpass them. Demolish them, even. “No. Jackie got it. But maybe in college, I can-”
“That’s disappointing. I really hoped that your senior year would be your year. Well, there’s other leadership skills we can put on your next application. I’m thinking we do the essay for Harvard next - this weekend.” Tai’s heart sinks a little. Once again, she’s not seen. Why does no one ever see her? Her mother turns on her heel, a relieved smile on her face. “Ah, there they are.” She plucks up her car keys with a well manicured hand and returns to grab her purse, her chunky heels clicking across the floor. “Baby, I’m sorry. Can you find your own way to school? I’ve got a really big case to prep for.” Tai’s mother is a workaholic. But she’s the best. And she pushes Tai to be the best.
So, Tai forces a smile. One that doesn’t even make her face change, not really. “Yeah”, she says quietly, voice barely above a whisper. Then, she clears her throat, straightens her spine like her mother always reminds her to. “Yeah, mom. I got it.”
“Great”, her mother says. “I love you, honey.” She kisses her cheek, and then rushes to the door of their average sized house.
“I love you too”, Taissa barely manages to get out.
Her mother stops when the door is just open enough for the sunlight to spill inside. In this light, her mother is golden. Angelic. Everything that Taissa can never be. Because her mother is the sun, and Taissa is a very tiny planet that just happens to orbit her. “Oh, hey, I’m sorry. What were you trying to tell me?”
Taissa sucks in a deep breath. “I-” She runs through the script she’s carefully prepared in her head, but what’s the point? She already knows what her mother is going to say. ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about, Taissa. You’re too young. Someone is filling your head with nonsense.’ ‘It’s just a phase. You’ll grow out of it when you meet the right man.’ But there is no right man. Taissa is gay. She knows she’s gay, because she’s done a fuckton of research. History, and psych papers, and anything she can get her hands on about the Stonewall Uprising. There may not be much for her to go on, but she’s found enough to know that this is far more than just a passing curiosity. This is who she is. And, deep down, she knows that her mother will never get it. Her father might come around, eventually, but her mother won’t like the imagery of her perfect daughter being tainted. So, instead, Tai lets out the breath she’s holding and forces another smile. “It was nothing. I’ll get dad to take me to school.”
Tai stares at the mirror inside her locker in disdain. It’s not that she hates her reflection - Tai loves herself… mostly - it’s the fact that she doesn’t always recognize the girl that’s looking back at her. Beautiful, yes, but is it her? Tai wears her hair long in order to imitate her mother, partially. It’s mostly because, if she cuts it, people will call her boyish. People will call her boyish, because she would be tall, and smart, and athletic, and handy with short hair. And they would all know, wouldn’t they? They would see her with short hair, doing these things, and call her a dyke. And Taissa hates that. Not because she’s ashamed of being gay, but because Taissa is still feminine. She wants to be seen as beautiful and feminine and, sometimes, even soft. She can do all these ‘boy things’ and still be feminine! And screw society for putting such stupid labels where they don’t even need to be. Taissa kicks ass in male dominated activities, and she’ll do it without smearing her lipstick!
But if people find out, they won’t care that she’s ambitious or smart or pretty. They’ll only care that she’s gay. And Taissa Turner does not want to exist just to be someone’s god damned stereotype.
She slams the locker in a huff, the metallic clang echoing through the hall. No one notices, though, because the hall is too full of loud chatter for anyone to notice her. She jumps when she sees a familiar redhead leaning against the locker next to hers.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what’s got your panties in a twist?” Nobody sees Taissa Turner for who she really is… except for Van Palmer. (And please, for the love of god, don’t call her Vanessa. Tai is exhausted by the rant that follows every time. Why can’t everyone just respect her emotional support redhead?) Maybe Van sees Tai, because they’re opposite sides of the same coin. Van is so vibrant and full of life. And Tai wouldn’t consider herself doom and gloom, not at all, but she’s certainly not as carefree as Van. Van brings out the human part in her lately… No. No, no, no. She can’t go there. Not with Van. If she goes there with Van, she runs the risks of losing her. And she can’t lose Van. Never, never. That was their promise. Never, never. Never, never let go of each other. And Tai never would. Van was the only thing keeping her sane and afloat.
“My mother”, Tai says flatly, adjusting her grip on her binder.
Van raises a thick brow. “Again?” Tai and Van have very different mothers. Tai’s mom could flip between distant and overbearing at the drop of a hat. She pushes Tai and manages her whole schedule, even if she doesn’t always show up to see it. She’s smart, classy, bold, and she can find her way out of any situation. Van’s mom can’t even find her way out of a bottle. And Van knows that her mother loves her, but she can be so hard to deal with sometimes. Van is positive that she could go missing and it would be a fifty-fifty chance that her mom would be sober enough to notice after a few days. But she loves her, even if she doesn’t love the way she copes.
“I mean-” Tai sighs again. She;s been sighing a lot lately. “It’s not actually her. It’s me. And life, and…” She looks around. Does the hallway feel like it’s shrinking? Is preppy Lottie Matthews listening? She clears her throat, grabs Van’s pale wrist and ignores the tingles that zip straight up her spine. “Not here.”
She pulls the ginger girl into the musty janitor’s closet and pulls the string to turn on the single lightbulb overhead. It casts a warm, yellowish glow over the otherwise dingy room. “God, it’s dusty as fuck in here”, Van says, followed by a very adorable sneeze - oh, hell no. Tai isn’t going to be one of those sappy girls that thinks a sneeze is cute. Fuck outta here. “Okay, what’s up? You haven’t told me to shut up once today.”
Tai crosses her arms over her small chest, giving Van an indignant look. “I do not tell you to shut up everyday.”
“You literally do”, Van scoffed. “Every practice.”
“That’s because you’re mean. And when you’re mean, Mari starts being a little shit”, Tai grumbled.
“Whatever. Still counts”, Van huffs. “Now, tell me what’s up with you before people start thinking we’re playing a very long game of Seven Minutes In Heaven.”
“Don’t be gross”, Tai says flatly. She tries to ignore how enticing that actually sounds. Tai goes on a very long rant. By the time she finishes, she’s pacing like Tom waiting for Jerry to fall into a trap that will undoubtedly fail. “It’s like she doesn’t even see me anymore, let alone hear me. And-”
“Hey”, Van interrupts. “Hey, hey, hey. Look at me”, she says, gripping Tai’s shoulder until she stops walking and actually looks at her. “I’m right here, and I see you. I always see you.” Van never looks at Tai for who she wants her to be. She only ever looks at her for who she is, takes what she presents. Maybe that’s why Tai likes her so much. It’s not that Van is simple, per se, but she’s warm. Accepting. And for Van, Tai is often stable. Okay, maybe she’s a little too stable in the sense that she fake it and hides her emotions until they boil over if it’s not aggression, but still. Van knows she can always count on Tai. She’ll show up. “And there’s nothing you can’t tell me, so, if you really need someone to share this-”
“Van, I’m gay”, Tai suddenly blurts out before she can stop herself. “I’ve known for a while now, but I finally sat down, and I did the research, and I’m gay. And I know that you may not accept me now, but this is who I am. It’s who I always have been. I like girls.” Now, if only she could tell her mother that.
Van pauses for a moment. Tai isn’t sure she’s ever seen her this quiet. It’s like her brain turned into a desktop that lagged during the most crucial moment. Finally, an easy smile curls onto Van’s rosey lips, her full cheeks quirking up just slightly. “Well, so do I. You aren’t special, Taissa”, she jokes. Tai huffs and whacks her on the arm. “Hey!”
And then, Van’s words click. ‘Well, so do I.’ So does she? Then, does that also mean…? She’s relieved that Van doesn’t seem disgusted by her, but she’s terrified of it being a front. What if she’s just messing with her? No, never mind. Van would never do that to her. “You mean you’re also…?”
Both Van’s brows shoot up, causing wrinkles to appear on her freckles forehead. “Wasn’t that obvious? I’m a goalie with a VHS collection and I don’t trust men to do anything. And I stare at the pretty girl next to me in health class the entire period. Tai, I’m a loser. A loser lesbian. That’s who I am, and I am very proud of that fact.”
“Van, you are not a loser. And none of those things are inherently gay, so how was I supposed to know the difference between a gay girl and a tomboy?”, Tai asks, exasperated. Then, her brows, straight and perfectly trimmed, knit together. “Wait a second… I’m the pretty girl that sits next to you in health class.”
“Yeah, no shit”, Van scoffs, as if Tai should have already figured this out.
And suddenly, the musky little closet feels much smaller. Tai is hyper aware of how close Van is. In fact, the redhead is so close that she can count each individual freckle on Van’s nose. There are exactly forty-one. But who cares about the freckles when Van is staring up at her and her lanky, 5’7 frame with eyes like a storm’s? Tai is two inches taller than Van, but right now she feels like the small one. It really only takes a second for her to decide. Van is her safe sace. Van is accepting her for who she is. And Tai is bossy, so she has no issue taking charge.
So, she takes matters into her own hands. She leans down and presses her lips to Van’s. The kiss is a bit awkward and clumsy, but Van’s lips are so soft and that’s all she can really bring herself to think about. It only takes Van a few seconds to gather her thoughts. She doesn’t pull away, doesn’t call Tai any form of a disgusting person. Her calloused hands go to Tai’s hips and she walks them backwards until Tai’s back meets the wall. How could something so explosive be so wrong? Kissing Taisssa felt like the greatest thing Van had ever done. It was hot and passionate and primal. A clash of lips and teeth and tongue as they both fought for dominance, but Van wins in the end. Tai surrenders herself to Van, something she rarely does with anyone.
Her heart is beating like crazy, and Van can practically feel her own beating out of her chest. She’s waited for this moment for what feels like all her life, and she’s not going to waste it. If this is the only chance she’s ever going to get to prove to Taissa Turner that, not only can she handle her but they’re equals, then Van is going to take it. She pours every unspoken word that she can into that kiss. Every heartbreak. Ever stolen glance. Every word she can’t say. It all goes into a heated kiss that leaves Tai breathless, her mind spinning. And she’ll be okay, or at least that’s what Tai thinks to herself when Van’s kisses turn greedy and trail down her neck. She’ll be okay.
As long as no one ever finds out.
