How To Get a Good Ass Job, bitch
I have been stumbling to greatness for longer than you could imagine. I’ve fallen into jobs that I have no business working in, been given situations that I probably wouldn’t have experienced were it not for me being in the right place at the right time, and over the course of dozens of interviews, tons of failure and way more success, I got tips for you pals.
1. Your resume needs to fucking sparkle. I don’t care where you worked, how long, and why, finesse that shit to make it seem like you were the only thing keeping the business together. “I worked the cash register” < No muh fucka, you were in charge of financial transactions, ensuring that the business generated revenue. The person hiring you doesn’t care about what you DID, they care about how you contributed to the business. Why were you useful? Why are you useful now? As far as references go, I’m not gonna lie to you, there was never an instance in my career where I actually called an applicants reference. I usually put down fake numbers with ex-coworkers because literally, more often than not, if they can’t get through to your reference, they’re gonna be like eh fuck it. You can’t control whose phone doesn’t work, eh?
2. ALWAYS attach a cover letter. I know that writing a resume, filling in an application, and attaching a cover letter can seem redundant, but I don’t give a shit, put that cover letter on there. It doesn’t have to be long, but it’s usually the first thing they read. When I used to hire, one of the things I looked for is a cover letter. It shows that you want this job, that you’re actually putting in the effort you need to put in. Here’s the cover letter I used to get a restaurant management position: “Working for [redacted] gave me much experience in a multitude of areas, including scheduling, payroll, P&L statements, hiring employees, and of course lots of cooking! My long track record would be an invaluable asset to your team. I look forward to hearing from you!” See what I did? I gave them a taste of my resume, but not so much so that it seems I’m attaching my resume twice. Put it this way: Your cover letter is foreplay, your resume is the condom, and you’re both about to make sweet sweet love with that application. “My long track record would be an invaluable asset to your team.” Cocky? Hell yes. But it makes the hiring manager say “Hmm…WOULD YOU?” which usually leads to an interview to figure that out. “I look forward to hearing from you!” That puts a little pressure on their necks. It’s kinda playing into our human instinct to not be rude. “Well shit, they SAID they look forward to hearing from me, I guess I have no choice…” Polite pressure is what moves us along.
3. Call the business, ask to speak to the manager. It doesn’t matter where you applied, make sure you call up there and tell them that you applied. Hell, I’ve even called BEFORE applying just so they know my name. Just recently, I called and asked to speak to the manager of the store I was applying to. I said “Goodmorning, my name is _____ _________, I saw your ad online for the district manager position and I was wondering, would it be better for me to apply online, or drop off a physical copy?” I already knew I needed to apply online, but this put my name in his ear. The very next day, he had already called me for an interview.
4. Don’t be unavailable, but always make sure they know that you are desired. Scenario: Someone calls me about an interview, they say that they want to talk next Wedensday. I tell them that I already have an interview that day, and ask if Thursday works. They look over their schedule, and says to me “Actually, how does Monday work? I have an opening.” I’ve done this countless times, and nine times out of ten, they’re gonna try to meet you sooner than your other interview. This is because they don’t want to lose you, they don’t want you taken before they even get a chance to ask if they can have you. Why? Because if you got this far, you’re the shit.
5. Ace the interview. Arrive to the interview fifteen minutes early (Showing that you’re punctual, but not excessive) walk in there knowing that the job is yours, because you’re the only fuck that can do it right. Be professional, give a hard handshake, look this mother fucker in the eye, state your name. When they tell you theirs, repeat it to them. “Hello I’m Appli Cant.” “Bill Myers” “Bill Myers, nice to meet you sir.” You can be nervous. You can feel like your heart is going to explode, but don’t show it. Make them feel like you’re the most charming sumbitch that has walked this earth. When I make my interviewer genuinely laugh, I always get the job, never fails. CHARM THEM. When you get to the actual interview, lie your ass off. “B-b-but honesty –” nah fuck that, these big ass companies are raking in hundreds of millions every single year, LIE. They can afford it. I don’t mean say some dumb shit like you used to own a bakery (when you worked at Perkins) but exaggerate. “Tell me about a situation where a customer was unhappy with their service, and you rectified the situation.” Don’t tell them that they asked for the manager after screaming in your face and making you cry in the bathroom. Never give a real scenario. Give them a general idea of what you WOULD do. From the restaurant manager interview where I got the job: “Unfortunately, you’ll never be able to please every client. Over the course of my catering career, there have been many instances where I had an upset person come to me, either about the service, or perhaps even one of my workers got the order wrong. Regardless, I always approach these situations with a level head, because as we know, the customer is king. In situations where their order is wrong, I’ll compensate the meal and remake it myself.” I didn’t even answer the fuckin question, I just walked around it for two minutes until finally, I gave them something similar to what they asked. When they ask your weakness, don’t give them that bullshit “I’m a perfectionist” NAH SON EVERY TIME I HEARD THAT I GOT ANNOYED! Give them a REAL weakness that you’ve been working on. Such as “I used to have a hard time keeping myself organized, but I got a planner, and that has really helped me.” I like hearing that you’re working on yourself, I like seeing that you acknowledge your flaws and strive to be better. Fuck that “I’m a perfectionist” bullshit.
6. After interview etiquette After the interview, give them a firm handshake, repeat their name to them once more, and part ways. Wait a couple hours, send them an email thanking them for seeing you. It keeps them thinking of you, keeps them wondering about you. Hopefully, after this, you’ll get another interview or get the job.
So go forth, apply to a bunch of fuckin jobs, set up a bunch of fuckin interviews, and get that money, honey.