Relapsing
I’ve been scared of many things in my life. I fear thunder, I fear the sound of an airplane, I fear death, I fear wasps, and I fear darkness among many other things. But, to be honest I have never feared anything more than relapse.
It is like no other kind of fear. The fear of relapsing seems and feels different from the rest, because from the second it crosses your mind you know something bad is going to happen.
You’re there, doing casual stuff, maybe thinking of unicorns, or maybe your homework, or what book to read next, or even just realizing you’re hungry. It’s all good, all right. But then, suddenly, you just freeze. You feel something deep in your gut, like in the scenes of scary movies where you’re in so much suspense that everything else just stops. It’s just you and the feeling.
And then the fear appears, the pressure in your chest grows, and BOOM! Images flashing right in front of you. You close your eyes, but you still see them and you feel like no matter what you do to try to avoid them those images just get stronger and stronger.
And then it hits you. Should you? Should you give in? Will You be strong enough to fight the oh so common urges?
And, that right there is what I fear the most: Knowing that one second ago you were just thinking of a sandwich and now all you see is yourself in that hole you fought so hard to get out of.
What I fear is that just by thinking of relapsing I can literally see myself back into the darkness. I don’t need the blade to be against my arm to be afraid, because I know that once the blade has become one with my flesh, my biggest fear came true. I’m back into the darkness I fought so long to avoid.
I’m scared of relapsing because it reminds me that if I don’t fight for myself, there is a giant hole of darkness just waiting for me.