also - i think, under the lens of kai being a mixed gay man, it is genuinely interesting to explore the idea of mr. chidouin possessing unexamined homophobic bias versus gashu who has been pressured for so long to conform to homophobic standards felt within asunaro (besides the (sexual) abuse present within the organization) and which comes from many things, including patriotic rhetoric upon which the yakuza tends to be built (which i presume would've caused issues in the formation of asunaro, either stamping out or being bitter with foreign mafia involved in its greater cause; whether or not they defected with gokujo) and which still remains a point of contention even when asunaro associates with foreign mafia for their purposes, as they do in the ministories.
gashu, prior to asunaro, was much freer. evidenced in his favored personal styles - the only one of the men to customize his outfit beyond a suit - and in cut dialogue wrt "lin" association & design notes for his son lies the implication of kai being mixed chinese-japanese, which undercuts any nationalism that the hiyoris or mr. chidouin may possess. with the obvious abuse of power the hiyoris enact, his very personhood is suppressed, to say nothing of the standards he must be expected to hold and reinforce (no matter his private disagreement, worn down as it was)...
...and which kai is still forced to function under the fear of, which he saw in his father. even when gashu satou forfeits him and he is expelled from asunaro - the yakuza - because of mr. chidouin, and held with that much more importance with it coming from the mouth of someone he genuinely respects and cares for. as difficult as it was, with the implicit prejudice asunaro possesses, kai was at least able to accept himself as a deviant amongst their standards in all things.
but now that he is set in this uncertain space of the underworld and the living... trying to be good, trying to learn how to interact with other people without frightening them (though he may never be free) -- the most devastating thing for him would be to, even quietly, put his relationship with mr. chidouin in jeopardy.
i truly believe kai would struggle deeply with being able to discern what love is, parse what he feels toward the chidouins altogether, but it becomes especially muddy when considering mr. chidouin for just how much of his soul he's borne.
thus he becomes hyperaware of anything he may do which could be perceived to cross the line with mr. chidouin. it isn't anything so easy to put aside as the distant respect found for sara or her mother, the former who he has evidently recognized and fostered that familial association... but, he interacts with mr. chidouin the most of them all, and it creates so many more opportunities to stumble and prove that he is neither fit for asunaro's flippant show of lacking the layman's standards, nor what must be perceived as common sense and which he is now forced to relearn and attempt to abide by, so as to still be deserving of his place in the chidouins' lives - shoved into the corner as he has been.
as if it is not enough that any emotional vulnerability not initiated by mr. chidouin's lure puts distance between them, as though those few moments of personal affections/support is enough to earn a look clearly displaying he's overstepped -- even conversations where mr. chidouin takes lead, it always has this underlying feeling of kai not being japanese enough.
it would be fine, it would, if the only barrier were him being raised in asunaro.
kai is asunaro's kin before he is japanese; he considers himself japanese, then mixed japanese, then considers the specifics of being mixed japanese/chinese. with how his father began to treat it, with how mr. chidouin continues to (with even less consideration) -- how could he admit to being chinese, foremost? no matter how he resembles his mother.
but any show of desiring relationships outside of the chidouins is to be condemned. be that romantically, sexually, or simply him searching for some manner in which he may reconnect with his heritage in a way which is fully for himself. asunaro would enforce study of common trade languages, it must, but even without its restrictions -- kai now feels the immense pressure of stepping where he should not tread. not only for looking foolish in reaching for something he has no connection to, but for betraying what mr. chidouin idealizes and 'forgives' in him.
everything scrutinized. in grief, in "defense," and in love. it's all done with love. it's suffocating, but they loved him; that's why.
