The Making of YWTMMS
I have gone back and forth over this—trying to decide whether or not to release this video—and I have decided that I will. “YOUR WORDS THEY MADE ME STRONGER” (which I will refer to as YWTMMS), is an experimental music video that came about via a natural creative process. I have always seen experimental music as a powerful mode of expression, and that is why I chose it for this project. Having said that, I cannot say that I am entirely comfortable releasing the video due to the sensitive nature of the content for myself, as well as the fact that some discrepancies arose during the process of making it that I took issue with. Nevertheless, I have decided it best to release it to the public. I will now provide an account of its genesis.
Some time ago, I was contacted by an acquaintance who was aware of the hate campaign that had been organized against me online. I described some of the things I had been going through, and this person—who happened to be an amateur videographer—expressed an interest in helping me make a video about it. Despite my hesitancy, I later decided to take part. I designated a theme for the project, which would be my triumph over adversity. Then, I chose the form: an experimental music video featuring an interpretive dance composition based on an original experimental music composition and spoken word poetry composition. I began to look at this as a meaningful opportunity.
The first step would be to write the lyrical content. I accomplished this with ease as I have always been an excellent writer. I was able to poignantly capture my vantage point at that moment in time. Next, I wanted to venture into the domain of experimental music. I am an appreciator of virtually all genres of music, but the ineffable nature of that which one might call experimental is one that has always intrigued me. I have found that immersing myself in and expressing myself through experimental music compositions can be a great source of healing and restoration.
I proceeded to collaborate with a friend who composes music. We discussed the outline for how the track would sound. Soon after, my friend began compiling interesting samples to use, started programming the different layers, ultimately composed the piece in its entirety, performed the essential editing and mixing, etc. I had several tasks during this process as well. For instance—and this may seem like a small thing—I made sure that I would be the one to always press the “record” button at the appropriate time. I actually found this to be significant and representative of how essential my role truly was. I was at the helm actualizing my vision.
Upon completion of the track, it was time for me to compose original choreography that would be used in the video. I found this part very exciting. I had participated in dance classes as a child, and saw this as a great chance to utilize the skills I had honed at such an early age. Included in my choreography were occurrences of indeterminacy. These would materialize through various improvisational flourishes. Once that was done, I chose the outfits I would wear for the different sequences, as well as gathered together the props that would be used. Now it was time to record the video.
I contacted this acquaintance of mine and said that I was ready. We went out and got started. I had my outline, and I was to be given instruction and suggestions throughout. For the most part, things went well. However, there were times when I did not fully agree with the direction I was given. There were also times when I did not feel entirely comfortable doing a certain thing, and I was pressured into doing it. I don’t think this is a good way to work with people. When I expressed this, the reason I was given was that it’s just what directors do to motivate, and it’s all for the sake of achieving the best final product. While I understand this line of reasoning, I couldn’t help but have my qualms with the approach. This created some tension between us.
There were also times when I thought the experience was very positive. For example, at the end of the sequence in the forest, I kneel down and go through my transformation. This was to symbolize my choosing life over death—a very intense moment. The direction I received was very valuable. I was told to take some time to meditate on all the hardship I have faced in my life, and then use this moment as a sort of cleansing. I would let the anger and fear that resides deep inside me surface, and cast it away. I made myself very vulnerable as I let out these emotions, and what resulted was a moment of the utmost honesty. I found it truly transformational, and I hope it can inspire others.
During the editing process—which was a collaborative effort—my acquaintance and I had a bit of a falling out. We are still on speaking terms and in contact, but we agreed that we should probably not work together again. What happened was that I got the sense that this individual was not taking the project as seriously as it should be taken. This individual even admitted to me that some amusement was being had on their part in the making of this art, and they didn’t see a problem with that. This just did not sit well with me at all. Now, of course it is fine for people to have a good time when they are involved with something. But when the subject matter is a serious one, based on the struggles I have incurred in my own life no less, I cannot accept this attitude. This lead to some sparring, and a mutual parting of ways upon completion of the project. Ultimately however, I did not see overwhelming reason to believe the work had suffered because of it. That is why I can still release this video—the message remains intact despite the presence of any minimal stylistic choices I might not prefer. There are always compromises to be made in the realm of group-driven efforts.
When I stated at the beginning that I wasn’t sure if I should release the video, part of that comes simply from the fact that I am opening myself up again to the potential negative feedback that spiraled me into a tailspin in the first place. I realize that this concern is something I must overcome, though. I must be able to face this and stand up for who I am in order to move on. Another reason for my hesitancy is that there are parts in the video where I am following the direction I received that I did not endorse. I can’t help but find this off-putting and undesirable. But most importantly, the video as a whole can be difficult for me to watch. It reminds me of the things I have gone through, and the times I have suffered. For this reason, however, I know that the video is very powerful, and it is something I am willing to stand behind.
In terms of the meaning behind YWTMMS, the structure and symbolism within, the imagery depicted, and so on: I could certainly go through every bit of detail and explain what everything was supposed to mean. While I am open to doing this, I will abstain for now. This is because I realize that with all great works of art—despite the fact that the artist may have intended to convey one very particular meaning—it is possible for someone to draw a slightly different meaning from it. Rather than state exactly what the different colored sequences in the video represent, why not leave open the possibility that someone might draw a slightly different meaning than was originally intended, thus becoming inspired in a unique way?
Having reached this point, I think it is quite clear that I have become a stronger individual. How else could I have amassed the confidence to take on such a new and intimidating challenge? I was faced with the daunting task of performing everything outside in public as well, and I met it head on. I knew the result would be more raw and organic. It fit with the theme of being exposed and vulnerable—something all too familiar for me. I have to say that I came away rather impressed with myself and my natural aptitude. I believe that when I am supremely focused, I have what it takes to be an exceptional artist. I hope to bring more achievements like this into the world that exemplify the same embodiment of unabated, visceral passion, and devotion to what is right. I believe these contributions to society truly are empowering.
I have gone through a dark time in my life, and I am prepared to spell out those details quite clearly. I believe it is important for people to realize the consequences that their actions bring. Hence, I am about to release another video that addresses this. It will be a very personal divulgation, but it is something that I believe can serve as a wake-up call for many people out there.
These are exciting times. In addition to all of this, my first ever hashtag activism campaign is in the works. I believe I have what it takes to be a leading voice for justice. I will continue to influence the conversation, inspire others, and serve as a positive role model. As you can see, I am still here, far from silenced. Your words—they made me stronger.