#zenae

[renaesneverland]

Happy birthday to @zacefron thanks for being the nicest celebrity ever and hugging a very excited and emotional fangirl (only took 11 years) 😂😍🤩 #zacefron #birthday #love #zenae #bestday https://www.instagram.com/p/BpEYxigAe6FBXGIUJ1hTM_jxOaVYXtqz4--vsg0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1gfe39lnxp0av

[brimmsedge]

Dream: Stain of my Heart

The dream starts, I’m in the backyard of my house. Cleaning through the wreckage of last night’s storm. I am out with my two sisters. We talk a bit and eventually we head inside. My neighbor comes in with us. And he says he’s gonna take a shower. I begin freaking out but my younger sister says she’s dating him.

I explain to her that I’m letting both of them live with my out of the kindness of my heart. That I don’t trust him and if he wants to shower that he has his own house 20 feet away. She gets mad and runs out. I bang on the bathroom door and tell my neighbor to leave or I’m calling the cops. He leaves. 

It’s just me and my older sister. It’s night out and we’re watching a movie and talking. First we start watching cartoons and as it starts storming we change to a horror movie. We open a window to let the cool air in and the constant sound of rain trickling the ground outside. I hear a small knock on the door. I get up to answer it. My sister is still frozen in fear, fixed on the screen for what happens next.

I open the door and find Zenae standing there. This time she had brown wet hair, a green hoodie, white tank top, red bra straps - I couldn’t see the padded part or I didn’t look - and tight blue jeans with sneakers. She looked sad. I ask her if she wants to come in but she says no she just wants to talk. So I close the door behind me and step outside. 

This conversation doesn’t represent our relationship at this point. I don’t know where it came from. Maybe it’s supposed to be for someone else. I don’t know. But the sequence of what happened is strange as well. Maybe the dialogue is reversed. 

We just walk the street in the light rain. We stop under a street light. She turns to me. She’s heart broken. I don’t understand. She’s crying but it’s hard to tell with the rain collecting on her soft cheeks.  “You stained my heart.” She says.

“How? We weren’t anything. I let you become all of me and I wasn’t even a part of you.” I say.

“I can’t love you anymore.” 

Those are the only key dialogue moments I wrote down. I don’t remember the rest. I don’t remember who really said them. But she was crying and I was trying to comfort her. Then we were standing on the side of a building. A tall skyscraper. Glass windows under us. The moon to my right. Things start to spin. It’s like there’s a pivotal platform beneath our feet. We stay the same distance apart and face position but the environment changes around us. I fall back through the building. 

I become the cold, blue, Moon. She rises up and becomes the warm, bright, red, Sun. Spinning together. Revolving. Then we become thing atom-like ball. Yin and Yang. Light and darkness. Opposites. But whole. 

As we spin I hear her say more. “I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

“I’m not going to hurt you.” I reply. 

Then the spinning stops. We’re back to standing on the building. Gravity pulling her hair downward towards me. Covering her face. A tear falls from her onto me. She bursts into flames, and I feel wet around me. Not just my face. I’m underwater. Suddenly, the glass is no longer beneath my feet. I’m drifting down with gravity, further into the water. I’m drowning. I’m being pulled into the dark abyss. The only thing I see is the moon still shining and reflecting off the glass building platform beneath Zenae’s feet. 

I’m so far down I can’t even tell if she’s there. Why would she be? Who would want to watch me drown. My lungs give in and the water rushes in. My limbs stop fighting and I drift against the gravityless void.  I  realize I’m not underwater. Or not anymore. I’m in space. Except I see the tunnel of  vision. I see the twinkling stars around me.I see the body of water between us, and the other night sky and the building Zen’s on. Except that sky is blue, out behind me in space it’s just black. 

And then I wake up.  

[brimmsedge]

Dream: To Hell and Back

The dream starts, my point-of-view is in second person. I see myself but I am also not within myself. I see my hands and as I move my body moves. It’s almost like an out-of-body experience. I had black thick dreads that were tied in a ponytail and went down to my shoulders, glossy black glasses, smooth pale skin, dark thin eyebrows, a small silver nose ring, and wore a long black knitted sweater, grey tight jeans, black boots, and a gold necklace that placed itself gently above my cleavage.

My face was tight. I had small round nose, short ears, and full pink lips. My petite body, no noticeable fat except average B cup breasts. My undershirt was a red tank top. It took me a little while to realize I was Cosima, from Orphan Black. I’m in a movie theater. I don’t remember much but I wrote down. The Stranger Some terrified thing happened. I had to leave. I remember being in a rush. Perhaps I was being chased. I remember the dark misted woods. Dead by Daylight all over again. The murky green haze lifted over the sky. My mud encrusted black boots stained in the brown fear. Running from an unknown red gaze searching, scanning, for me.

I make it to a car and begin to drive. First, I was driving, then I stick my head out the window. Suddenly I’m not so sure who’s driving. But the car remains calm. My dreads whip in the cool breeze. I close my eyes and listen to the howling wind. I no longer hear the car, only the steady calling of the wild. The air was … magnetic.

I remember driving over a swamp. No roads, but the car went over the water. The water was motionless though the tires ran through it. The fog dissipated letting the car part way. It led me to a beach house. Four to be exact. Three large houses on the Cliffside before the sand and one in the sand over the water. Very large hovels. Very hotel-like. Large glass windows viewing the ocean. There were very large deck areas for visitors to view and travel to the other buildings freely.

I entered one of the buildings, went to my assigned room, and showered. In the shower, the water washed away my 2nd person narrative. My body and mind blended back into one. I think I was me. I woke up in my bed. My friend Horija was there. Laying over me when I opened my eyes with a twisted grin spread over her face. She began trying to seduce me. I turned away and told her that I wasn’t in the mood. I heard another giggle.

My eyes glazed to the foot of the bed. Horija was also there. There were two. Both trying to seduce me. We kissed and they both sucked on my neck and skin. Grabbing my hands insisting that they ventured places on their bodies. The siren’s song was strong. I closed my eyes and tried to escape. But couldn’t. I bit and clawed at their clothes and skin until there was nothing left but an empty shell of the girls. Naked and vulnerable to my inner monster. Just what they wanted.

Just before I push myself into one, just passed my rubicon, I stop. I hear her voice in my head. 

Don’t have sex with anyone. I closed my eyes again. Zenae. She wants me to be stronger than this. Be who she wants you to be. I opened my eyes and got up out of the room. I said nothing to them, I didn’t even look at them. I heard their voices muffled like the adults from the Peanuts movies. While leaving the hotel paradise, I heard her voice again. This time it was distorted. Nulling me into a different kind of trance. Love, not lust; another dangerous song. I follow the hymn to the farthest building; just over the water.

I’m sitting in a lounge room with several other students. It was like a special school. Very fancy. I presume a private competitive school. The students here wore different colored uniforms than the other building. This one must have been mine because I recognized all the students. Old high school friends. It reminded me of Hogwarts. Lack of teachers in the common areas and designed sleeping dorms for each “team” that the others were not allowed.

Except the power goes out. And we hear explosions and gunshots from a few of the buildings up further on the beach. For some reason I know what I need to do. I guess I need to go to hell. I begin running around the campus building to find the right place. I find a nice small room and cast an incantation. The floor of the room gives way and drops down into a hellish cavern. Dark dense rocks embedded with the faces of screaming souls stare at me.

There’s several rusty stair ways leading down. The metallic catwalks so old there’s several missing pieces. It reminded me of Silent Hill. Iron stairs leading down into a slowly glowing blaze. Warmer and warmer. Screams of agony call out like they know a gate way has opened to the world and their cries can be heard. Otherwise, they know there’s no use. My body leaps from my view and into the hellish scape. Black webbed wings tear out from my body and expand to slow my descent. Devilish horns also grow.

My view begins to ponder over the others. Some scared, others talking about me. It’s a cliché. All the people that never cared for me during high school are seeing how successful and powerful I am. Like a reunion. Someone else comes over and begins talking to the others on my behalf. Telling them how we’ve gone on many mystic adventures and that there’s much more than meets the eye.

A few moments pass and the portal opens up again, this time in the common area where most people are stationed. Candles are lit to provide light. This time, I see Emilia Clarke rise up out of the portal. My point of view goes into her. I’m Emilia now. This part goes by fast but I open the door with some dark demon magic. Like Scarlet Witch but violet and black. Reminds me of Guldan and Illidan. But purple. Dark witchcraft. I head out on the wooden walkway. The sky is a clouded blanket over the sky. But a light blueish grey. Enough to see. Not enough to tell where the sun is in the sky.

Before I get too far, another Emilia Clarke steps in front of me. This one has black hair instead and black makeup. My opposite. We begin shooting magic bolts at one another. Dodging and hiding. The enemy grins and hits me with a bolt that separates me from my body. I see Emilia turn back to look at me. I’m back to being me. A humanoid Illidan. Basically, horns, wings, glowing green eyes, but I didn’t have hooves or the bandages over my eyes.

I remember trying to get up but I think the Goth Emilia hit me and I woke up.

[brimmsedge]

Dream: Basking in Zen’s Light

The dream starts, with me travelling down a lamp lit street at night. A typical Elm Street cliché. Houses nearly identical, facing the street. Exact distance apart, white picket fences. There are a few lights on inside. It’s probably around 10 PM. There is dark barking in the distance. Some crickets chirping in the still darkness. The street lights don’t light the sidewalk near the houses very well. Between the street and the sidewalk there is a patch of grass, some trees, and hedging. So most of the light doesn’t reach very far. Not that I’m scared of the light, I just don’t want to be seen skulking in the shadows.

I’m walking in the middle of the blooming lit street. Searching for something. I don’t wander too close to the houses. But my eyes rapidly dart across the siding, through each shades of the nearby houses. My pace is slow enough so I don’t miss any details.

I finally come to a darker house than the rest. I make my way to the window and peer inside the lit room.  I don’t see anything but I hear Zenae’s voice. To my curiosity, I move to the other side of the house for another window. I find her. She’s in her room, pink boyshorts and brown wool sweater, her hair is up, and she’s laying on her bed. She’s bobbing her head back and forth to the music and her phone’s white screen laying on her bed next to her.

At first, my eyes just take note to all the details, then I gaze around for interest. And yes, for a moment, I stare at the pink, her thighs, I’ve never seen so much of her pale skin before. I catch myself sexualizing her and I turn away from the window. My phone vibrates in my pocket. She messaged me on Facebook. I turn back to the window and reply. This time my eyes don’t wander. They are fixed on her face as she scrolls through her wall, liking posts, and messaging people. I see how long it takes her to reply to my message.

Before she does, the grass beneath my feet is replaced with a rug. Disturbed, I look around me. I’m still outside her window, yet, I’m in another part of her house. There’s a dresser, and bunk-bed behind me. Suddenly, there’s someone talking to me from the bottom bunk. It’s her little brother. He didn’t seem to notice me creeping on her, which pleases me. I’d rather forget my more embarrassing thoughts. They are not who I am. I always notice myself drifting. For someone who enjoys watching, I can’t help ponder at all things.

Even in public, I wonder things. I see two people. Are they friends, a couple, best friends, siblings? Does she like him, does he like her? If not, does she like some douchebag? Is he jealous? I wonder what her major is. What field of science fascinates her most? When I see people with kids I think, okay how would this couple have sex to make the kids? Was it boring, kinky, or strictly religious to the point where they both rather not do it but want kids? Does he satisfy her? Does she fake her orgasms? Is she cheating? Is he cheating? Is he self-conscious about how he dresses? How many friends does he have? I play little games with the strangers and try to guess as many things as I can based on the clues of their speech patterns, their eyes, body movement. How close are they walking together, does he get nervous the closer he gets? Is his hands fidgeting his other fingers, the bottom of his shirt? What are they shopping for? It’s a fun game. The point is, I enjoy watching and sure sometimes I notice a lot more skin than I expect. I wonder how much there is to see. But I don’t exactly stare to memorize their details and sexualize them. I just wonder their mindset. Do they want attention? Are they comfortable? Are they looking for sex? Most of the time it’s, is the temperature appropriate for such thing. No shaming, just trying to understand. Like when I see someone wearing sunglasses indoors.

My eyes glossed over Zenae, nothing lustful, but appreciative. Like art. You don’t go to the museum to get aroused. You go to stare and appreciate the beauty. I simply took note of her beauty. When I looked at her face as she stared at her screen, I couldn’t help but smile. I wondered who she was thinking of. A boy from school, perhaps? Did she sexualize them out of curiosity? My mind stopped before I thought of a question I didn’t want to know the answer to.

Her brother talked to me like he didn’t see me staring at his sister. I guess since he was little he didn’t understand lust so he just understood I admired her. I like that about kids. Nothing gets sexualized yet. Not nipples, nothing. People are just people. He tells me that I can have top bunk for the night. Apparently, we are having a sleep over. He brings me some blankets and tells me about the plans for tomorrow. The three of us are going kayaking. He talks about how we’re gonna pack lunches and my mind fixes on us in the future.

I see us all in the kitchen, flooded by the morning star’s light. Zen’s still in her pink underwear and a T-shirt, I’ve got my shirt off and pajama bottoms on, and her brother has a T-shirt and pajama bottoms on. We’re making PB&J sandwiches. Apple slices, bananas, and granola. We’re giggling and having fun like a family. Zen giggles, smiles, and licks the peanut butter off her fingers while looking at me. Again, nothing sexual, just playful, cheerful mood.

My mind comes back to reality where I’m staring at the white pop-corned ceiling of the room. The walls are more solid now. Before they were translucent. I could still see that I was outside but if I focused I could also see the room. Now I’m just in the room. This time, there’s no window peering into Zenae’s life. Her room is just separated by a carpet color change. Blue to red. Her lights are hinted orange. Her walls yellow. Warm colors. Her brother’s room is white walls, blue carpet, and tinted blue light. Cool colors. The lights don’t appear to mix. I find it strange.

I hear her music now, except it’s my music too? Lostprophets - Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast). I begin to close my eyes and sing along. I don’t know what it is with people singing songs, but I wanted her to notice me singing the song. Closing my eyes would make it easier for her because she wouldn’t have to try to look away when I looked her direction. It’s not that I want her impressed that I know all the lyrics, I can’t really explain it. I just want her to truly see me happy, maybe? Maybe someday someone will explain it or I’ll find the words.

During the night, Zen leaves. I don’t understand this part, so bear with me. She’s in a magical, mystical, beautiful swamp. But the swamp is day out, and somehow she’s taking pictures with her mind and I can see them. I think. She’s gone but I see where she is. I hear the frogs singing from the swamp and my eyes drop into trance. My body shuts down and I let their hum vibrate down my spine. Sending shivers throughout my body.

When Zenae came back, the joint rooms looked more like a hospital. No more warm and cool colors. It was black and white tile, grey walls and neutral white lights. There were curtains, steel trays set up with tools on them. She crawled into bed that wasn’t covered in colorful blankets, pillows, and teddy bears. It had one pillow and one blanket, both white. It had a cold steel frame on the head and foot area. I got no comfort looking at these beds.

She crawled into bed with the biggest smile on her face. She was also wearing a ward’s robe. That single piece of cloth with no back to it. Just the strings to tie it shut. No more colorful socks either. Anyway, she crawled into bed facing me. I asked her what got her so happy. She told me she broke out. She danced with her friends in the swamp. My mind wept for her. Had she truly escaped or was she crazy. Are we all crazy in here?

Before I could answer my own question, the room changed to look like outside London. That’s the only way I can describe it. There were old buildings, yellow lights pointed upward at its walls. Brick walls surrounding us, black metal fencing at the top. Elaborate architecture. Reminds me of my first few days with Brimm and meeting him in Oneironia. I think it was called. The city of dreamers.

So our environment changed but Zenae, myself, and the beds we were laying on got transported out into this new area. Zen leaped from her bed and began to dance again. Like it was raining. She had her arms out and face to the sky. Maybe it was her freedom dance. I wasn’t sure. But she grabbed my arms and we dance. She spun me around with her. After the dance we ran because security from inside the building started to come out and the black bared gates started to close.

She was laughing the whole time and I was worried about being caught. I think that made her laugh even more. Every time she looked back I’d wear concern on my face. Her smile cracked another loud, “Ha-ha!” and she pulled even tighter. After a few stairs and winding hallways. She pulled me around the corner and embraced me in a hug. Though she just wanted me out of sight and being one unit was easier.

She was out of breath but hardly showed it. We let our lungs catch up just staring into each other’s eyes breathing heavily. Without even staring I could see the top of her chest rising and collapsing, reflecting the moon’s light off her gentle skin. My goodness, she was fucking beautiful. Her image was truly art. Her left side of her body against contrasting colors. Warm reds from the lights below, and her right side was blue from the moonlight and darkness of the night. Her smooth skin, calm held hair with a few loose strands fell around her face. Her contoured eyebrows matching the lines of her face. Her small rounded nose, her flushed lips.

We exchanged no words for what felt like an eternity. Just admiring the beauty. Still gasping for air which makes sense given that she was leaving me breathless. I could kiss her right here and now. Maybe that’s what she’s waiting for. But all the courage of the night couldn’t bring me to do it. The risk of her slapping me, hating me, and running away. She’s art, and you don’t touch art. But if I do and she wants it, could she understand my feelings. I’d hate to be another name to a list. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be another problem.

But staring at her now, her patient eyes wavering over me. I swear she put the stars in her eyes that night. I decided. I took my hand and brushed it softly across her cheek, under her ear. Holding her face, my heart beating so fast. A million questions, a million possible outcomes, racing through my mind. I went with the safest one. I leaned in and just as I closed my eyes, she closed hers. And my lips touched her forehead. I leaned back and put my forehead against hers. Ever closer to her now. Her eyes opened. For a brief second I thought I saw disappointment. But it passed.

I didn’t want to rush anything. Our bond, our feelings, will last a lifetime. We have all the time in the world to share our love. We held hands, and we kind of kissed now. I can be okay with this. I rubbed my nose against hers. Giving little Eskimo kisses. I smiled and she did too. She rolled her eyes though as I leaned back. I think she respected my decision. I mean, sure we could have kissed. It probably would have been amazing. But I can savor the little moments if she can.

That’s my only worry. Moving too slow. With everyone else, I move too slow and they leave to find someone who can keep up. But if I keep up, we have sex on the first day and then there’s nothing left to explore. There’s no love, there’s no little surprising moments of bliss. It’s, “Why bother cuddling when we could be having sex.” And I hate that mindset. I just hope she doesn’t mind.

She could see my doubt beginning to bloom. She ducked under my arms and out of my grasp and started to run again. Slowing down and looking back to make sure I was chasing her. I hesitated and continued.

After a while of running we found our way back to the orange lit streets and cobblestone roads. This time a mob of civilians showed up and started yelling at us. For being in the way. There was an attack and a bunch of commotion. They said we were going to court and they were filing a lawsuit. I’m not sure what happened but the town changed to a Wild West setting. One long dirt road and several buildings to make a homestead. I was eating with my lawyer’s family. An all-black family. It was Sunday too so they started with a great fest and prayer. I didn’t want to offend so I bowed my head in respect.

We started talking and eating. They asked about my life, my family. Generic questions about my materialistic life: my house, my car, my job. When the meal was over my lawyer’s grandfather came up to me, putting his hand on my shoulder and asked, “Will you go with God on this one?”

I told him, “No, in the arms of my family and friends that I love.” My response blew him away and he respected that. They all put their hands on me and my back and prayed. Trying to channel their energy into me. It was a little weird. I guess all religions are the same thing. Closing their eyes to pray, drawing upon positive energies. Casting a circle, prayer. It’s all the same thing just different form.

My lawyer said it’s time and we got up from the table and headed for the door. Stepped outside into the morning light. Crystal clear blue sky, and the shade of the tall homestead buildings packed together. We followed the road to the courthouse. Tons of people and saddled horses outside. Apparently this event was big. But as I stepped into the court house, I turned around to see this strange family supporting me. I smiled and entered the building. And then I woke up. 

[renaewho]

Quite literally stuck with me for life.

So there we were in a tattoo parlour in Dumaguete, Philippines. Zaine flicking through a folder filled with the sickest art pieces done in that studio. This tattoo artist in particular specialised in face portraits. Z turns to me and says, “Can I get yours?”

[renaesneverland]

Can’t believe it’s been a month since the best day ever!!! @zacefron 😍🤩😍#zacefron #greatestshowman #bestdayever #dreamscometrue #11yearsinthemaking #Zenae (at The Greatest Showman Premiere)