#zionsworld

[saiahsblog]

love letter to aidan.

aidan is the angel on my shoulder. i’ve always admired her view of the world. her philosophy. how she manages to enjoy every aspect of her life nowadays, cherishing every waking moment. she is what we were put on this earth to do. the human condition. to live and lead a life that is fulfilling and enjoyable, encouraging others to do the same. she is a light that hits you softly on the cheek on a warm spring afternoon, one that makes you feel loved by the earth. her beautiful smile, so bright and so big coupled with her go to thumbs up. her, unapologetic of the things she likes. her, finding anything and everything to put on her beautiful collage of a wall (i love that wall). her, liking all my bullshit tweets and taking genuine interest in what i have to say. spending the late afternoon watching movies into the night. sitting and eating dinner with her family who are just as beautiful and amazing as she is. an image of her mother and father. her little dance breaks. her obsession with dnd. her excitement when buying anything from target. her collection of miscellaneous items and chachkies, her room, a look into everything important to her. a collector of memories. she revels in a life that she deserves and keeping the people she knows have her best interest at heart close as possible. her heart is so full of genuine love and genuine people who love her. aidan will never fully understand the depths of how much i enjoy our time together. how happy she makes me just looking at her being alive. how much joy i am filled with knowing that she is where she wants to be at any given moment. knowing that i can come to her with anything. knowing that she is the most authentic person i’ve ever met. i will love her forever.

[saiahsblog]

last night i looked in the mirror and wanted to see a girl. not in the way some would assume. i want to feel a girl. i want to feel what my friends feel. i want to feel how she feels when she puts together a pretty outfit that hugs all the right curves. how she feels when she is going through heart break. how she feels when guys flirt with her. how she feels when she finds a good book to read. how she feels when she puts her earbuds in listening to some underground band no one’s ever heard. how she feels when she’s dancing in the club and finds a guy to dance with. how she feels when she gets her girlfriends to go to the bathroom with her. how she feels when she picks out cute jewelry. how she feels when she picks out a cute bag to go out with. how she feels when shes in nature. how she feels when she laughs so hard she cries. i want to feel how she feels when she looks in the mirror. fluffs up her hair and watches her face catch the light. how when she walks out the door she feels like she can do anything she wants. i want that.

[saiahsblog]

another night running the faucet far left. my bubbling skin turns to flesh and blood hugging me caressing my hair. it stays with me the duration of all thirty minutes. till the bubbling stops and suddenly i am alone again.

[saiahsblog]

A spectacle of lust walks freely

adorned the jewels of those who gave him life

approval from unknown eyes will never run dry

my face flushed green, bile filled my stomach

picking at the flesh i've been bestowed

what i would give to be that spectacle

to be seductive, sultry eyes that capture

inviting lips, begging to be pressed against

a right body, shaped to the others desire

a body that someone wants.

something for someone to want

[saiahsblog]

longing to be joined at the heart

craving your indefinite warmth

one heart beating profusely

confused of the others intentions

but silent I stood

and I was content to dream

a lie to satisfy the unknown

wondering if I ever, was a pang in your heart

[saiahsblog]

Never have I realized the vines inside me. thick brambles envelope my psyche. They grow into my veins and arteries. Thorns trying to break the skin. Painful. That the sight of one without such grotesque greenery could do this to me. plants these vines unknowingly. with no resistance I allow them take root in my body. let them consume me. let them poison my mind to hold disdain. To hate myself. To hate my ground, to hate my sky, to hate my river. The vines feed off of the unhappiness in being stagnant, they tighten my roots into the ground. While I watch from afar the Hibiscus going through their springs, their summers their winters and their falls. and…i’m…still here…

[saiahsblog]

our chests to converge our rib cages interlock our hearts a conglomeration life given to a new being four arms, four legs, two heads enjoys the warmth of new blood no other way will it be content A monster

[saiahsblog]

staring at a picture of my younger self

i start tearing up at that little toothy smile, my eyes so full of wonder and excitement for the world around me. how i used to look forward to everything even simple things like going to the store with my mom because i liked riding in the cart. or going to preschool cause i knew i’d get to play with the cool toys i didn’t have at home. the lenses from which i looked; so saturated, whimsical. i look at those same lenses only to see that the color has faded, i no longer have that color in my eyes. i drop down to my knees coming to the realization that i will never be able to look through life with that same saturation. how now i went from being excited about everything to being excited by virtually nothing. i wish i could talk to that little one in that photo. we’d probably sit down on the grass in our old backyard. looking for dandelions and collecting rollie-pollies. i’d look at him w a smile on my face knowing that he is a happy kid but also a feeling of guilt knowing what i did to him. how we can barely enjoy the things we used to enjoy doing, how we can’t get out of bed in the morning sometimes, how we look for validation from strangers online, how we talk so poorly about ourselves. they don’t deserve that. it’s not fair. he shouldn’t hear that or see that or feel that. he should be happy and content and enjoy the simple things like how he is right now at this age. he shouldn’t have to go through these bouts of anxiety or gender crisis’ every week. he needs better than me. i break down crying. he takes notice but doesn’t say a word. he stands next to me and rests his soft little head on my shoulder. “it’s ok” he utters as he pats me on my back.