Cashback (2006)
This looks quite good doesn't it? Look at the quotes! It's brilliant! It's not. I have no idea why it's apparently good. For a start, this is the leading man:
-Charisma oozing from every pore, check.
-Horlicks, check.
This is...some bloke. I genuinely don't remember his character's name.
He gets dumped by Zoe Slater from Eastenders.
Then he can't sleep.
Then he gets a night shift job at Sainsburys.
Then Emilia Fox is there.
Then he plays football with his colleagues who he doesn't like very much. It seems like we're meant to care about the result. The scene is too long.
He has magical powers to freeze time and undress supermodels who are inexplicably in Sainsbo's at 3am.
He is this guy's evil pervert uncle:
Sorry I had to bring you into this smut, Bernard.
I just...don't get it. It's 'art' or something but from what I could gather it was the heartwrenching tale of a man who liked tits.
I was disappointed from the moment I realised it wasn't the life story of this guy:
.... and the disappointment gathered momentum like a man driving barefoot to Dundee fuelled by Toblerone.
CASHBACK!
Anyway:
p.s. this technically came out in cinemas or arty festival things somewhere. BUT NOT IN ENGLAND, THANKS ENGLAND.