#~ p

[indylgc]

☀ ︴what if it doesn’t end well?

happiness is temporary.

it’s something indy lets himself forget every time, because he doesn’t want to spend his joy dreading sadness’s inevitable approach. for the past few weeks, he was happy: new friends added to the evaluation group, jiahn getting added to the evaluation group, training with his best friend even though legacy separated them from each other in the dorms.

well, mostly happy. there were plenty of other things going on to challenge that happiness, but indy was always happy with jiahn. he can’t think of a single moment in his life where he hasn’t been, but then again, indy doesn’t have the best memory; maybe there was a time.

nothing like this, though, indy’s sure of it. never in his life has jiahn avoided him, unless you count when he left australia altogether for legacy (indy doesn’t.) everything about this is different: knowing he loves jiahn more than a best friend; more than he should, maybe. watching the pain and confusion and sadness on jiahn’s face throughout training and being powerless to do anything about it, because jiahn keeps avoiding him, because when he asks him what’s wrong jiahn says i can’t tell you. what is indy supposed to say to that? what is he supposed to do other than watch from a distance with his heart in his throat?

it’s been less than a week since jiahn started avoiding him, but that’s a long time for friends that talk every day and hang around each other most of the time that they’re able to. on the first day, he asks if he can join jiahn in practicing, and he says he wants to practice alone. the second day, it’s the same. the third day, he reaches out again to no avail, and on the fourth day he doesn’t. he accepts that jiahn, for whatever reason, needs time alone, and does his best to not let it impact him.

the thing is, it’s just him. jiahn looks sadder when he sees him, but he still talks to everyone else similarly to how he did before he started avoiding indy. indy can be willfully ignorant sometimes, ignoring signs and possible sources of anxiety in favor of maintaining his bright energy, but this time he can’t. this time, he can’t help but wonder what he did wrong, and then he can’t help but think jiahn knows. 

jiahn knows he loves him more than he should; that he’s in love with him, and that’s why he’s avoiding him. he made it weird despite all of his best efforts not to. jiahn thinks it’s gross and weird at worst, and thinks indy needs time away from him to get over him at best, and by the fifth day, indy wonders if that’s true. 

on the fifth day, jiahn stumbles through their group practice, clearly exhausted and worn down, both physically and emotionally, and indy can’t take it. 

the worst jiahn can do is turn him down again, or avoid him even more, and maybe the latter would hurt less than feeling like they’re on opposite sides of a pane of glass, seeing each other, but always out of reach.

when their training hour ends, jiahn looks like he’s on the verge of tears. indy wants to hug him, but he doesn’t know if that’s okay anymore, and that’s enough to make him want to cry too. 

still, he tells jiahn he should take a break; tells him he has work after training, but jiahn should come meet him after-- that jiahn doesn’t have to tell him anything, but he has some things to tell jiahn.

he has a lot to tell him, like the fact that he thinks he’s loved him as long as he knew him; like the fact that he left so much behind in australia just to be with him in legacy, and the fact that he would do it again, even in the state they are now. 

he doesn’t know if he should tell him, but maybe he will. he was always afraid his feelings would ruin their friendship, but maybe they already have, and telling jiahn will be the first step in getting over it. he still hasn’t told anyone besides his brother; maybe if he lets the feelings out from where they’re packed down into his heart, he’ll feel free. maybe he won’t feel so fucking sad.

he doesn’t expect jiahn to actually come meet him after work. indy’s working the night shift, and it’s his job to lock the place up after closing, so that’s exactly what he does. 

when he turns around to leave, song jiahn is in front of him, still looking relatively miserable and defeated, but he came. indy doesn’t know what to do with him now that he’s here. he still doesn’t know if it’s okay to hug him, so instead, he just smiles, genuinely relieved even if he’s still a little worried and sad. “hi. you came. i’m glad. uh-- thank you?” and he laughs at himself, and then he wants to cry again, because he doesn’t remember ever being this awkward with jiahn in his life.

                                                                        *  @lgcjiahn ☼ !

[indylgc]

☀ ︴responsibility

indy is having fun.

honestly, he was a little nervous at first. what if the kids didn’t like him? what if he made them cry, or someone got hurt on his watch, or he somehow managed to somehow lose an entire child?

to be fair, there's still a lot that could go wrong, but indy's solution has been to not be the one in charge of anything. he is just here to be another larger, barely more responsible child for the younger kids to play with, and this is a role he can carry out happily. he even managed to stop one kid from crying! sure, when two of the kids were fighting over a toy and a simple, "hey, please share," didn't work, he went and got someone else to solve the problem, but indy likes to think he's helping a little bit.

he just doesn't think he's meant to be an older brother. sure, he's older than his twin sister by a couple of hours, but for all intents and purposes she's always acted like the older of the two of them-- not that elly is particularly mature. they're both completely different brands of immature. his older brother, however, is a shining example, but harb is only a couple of years older than indy and he doesn't know how he would act as an adult with a little kid.

probably something like he is. he's doing well enough, he thinks.

of course, something outside of his comfort zone crops up. he's minding his own business pretending to eat plastic food one of the kids "cooks" on their pretend stove when the chef suddenly drops the plastic pan and announces she "has to potty."

"okay!" indy replies. "thanks for telling me--" he isn't sure if that's the right thing to say, actually, but it's definitely better than the alternative.

indy doesn't really know the potty protocol and he's pretty sure he'll find some way to mess it up, so the obvious solution is to find someone more responsible, and-- yuseong!

yuseong doesn't look busy, so indy scampers over to him, holding onto the child's hand. "yuseong!" he exclaims, and he smiles sheepishly. "she has to go to the bathroom."

                                                                        *   @lgcyuseong ☼ !

[indylgc]

☀ ︴man down

it's a weird day where indy is actually up early. this time, his body woke him up and he couldn't fall asleep easily enough for his liking, so he decided to just get up. he had a lot to practice anyway if he wanted to be taken seriously in this trainee evaluation group, and he does. now that jiahn is here with him, there's the possibility of them debuting together, and indy doesn't want to get left behind.

he's received a lot of opportunities lately, but indy knows he's still lacking, so he'll practice as much as he can.

he should practice his singing since that's what legacy instructed him to do, but he's still a little sleepy and figures some dancing to wake up and start the day won't hurt. it brings him to one of the dance practice rooms.

when he swings open the door, however, he finds that it's already occupied by...someone laying on the floor. indy tilts his head to get a better look at his face to try to determine if he knows him or not, then realizes that doesn't matter. there's some guy laying on the floor? did he pass out? maybe he's just tired, but it also could be something terrible.

so indy takes one of his extra water bottles out of his training bag. "hi, are you okay?" he asks, voice probably not loud enough. when the guy doesn't respond, he clears his throat, and tries again: "hello? are you okay?" he doesn't really know how to go about this.

                                                                          *  @lgcxmax ☼ !

[indylgc]

☀ ︴that’s a rap

future dreams is an absolute whirlwind. indy knew this already, but somehow it keeps getting worse.

he is still haunted by the fact that he is a necessary component to a boy group that he’s never really wanted to be in, according to lee james of haru. he thinks anyone else would be thrilled-- should be thrilled --but he is just guilty and terrified. he doesn’t want this enough to be a component of a group at all, let alone a necessary one. he doesn’t know how to keep that from coming across on camera, either; he supposes he’ll have to hide any of his distressed feelings, and he’s no stranger to that.

the good thing is jiahn is here, placed in a group with him. it should be a good thing, anyway. jiahn’s presence is both welcome and a constant reminder that he may never get to love him the way he wants to. it is a constant reminder of the cameras trained on them; the cameras that will be trained on them for the rest of their lives if they accomplish jiahn’s dream. he is so full of love every time he looks at him but half the time they are too afraid to even hug each other.

he tries not to think about it. instead, he looks on the bright side, as always, and he’s going to get to perform on future dreams with his best friend. that’s undeniably exciting, and all he has to do is pretend they aren’t in love. surely that won’t be too hard. he did it for half of his life, even if he wasn’t consciously aware of it until a few months ago.

what’s a little funny is that jiahn has to rap for their performance. he knows jiahn is probably terrified, because it’s far from an area of strength for him, but he hopes he can ease some of that fear by being here.  

he might actually even be able to help him practice, which would be a wild role reversal, considering how much jiahn has helped him for much of his time in legacy. he’ll try anyway, like now, as they sit on the floor of a practice room after the rest of their group has headed their separate ways. 

“rapping isn’t that hard,” indy tries to assure jiahn. “i think you’ll be able to get by if you just talk the words, honestly. it’s just about doing it confidently, and then i think if you can do it confidently you’ll be able to practice and make it sound better too.”

                                                                       *   @lgcjiahn ☼ !

[indylgc]

☀ ︴sunshine squad

if there's one thing indy is good at, it's making people smile.

that's what he always tells himself, anyway. he's been told he has an infectious enthusiasm, bright smile and cheery attitude, and he always takes that as a compliment. his number one goal in life is making people happy, aside from always being kind, and indy always thought those things went hand in hand.

it's why he's still here in legacy, really. he joined because of his friends, and okay-- maybe he stayed because of his friends and family here, too, but the only reason he feels justified in staying here is because when he pictures life as an idol, and standing on stage, it sounds nice because he can make people happy doing that. he was never into kpop much, but he saw the way kpop idols inspired so many people around him, and he would be honored to do something like that.

he's not really anything special, though. he doesn't know if he'll ever make it there, or if he's even ready to, but it's nice to think about as something far off in the distance to strive towards.

in the meantime, however, they're filming a variety show and no matter how hard indy tries he can't make this kid happy. according to her mom, she's pretty new to the daycare and very attached, which proves true, considering she's been crying ever since her mom dropped her off. indy has tried to distract her with every possible toy under the sun, as well as hugs and encouraging words, and every attempt has come up void so far.

he looks around for his next course of action, and spots gaeul. she doesn't look busy at the moment, and she's also incredibly enthusiastic, so maybe with their powers combined, they can get the despaired child to stop crying? he hopes so. it's worth a try, anyway, and if anything, it'll probably be better for tv than indy trying to do this own his own.

"gaeul," he calls, and he tries to walk over to her while holding onto the little girl's hand, but she digs her feet in and refuses to move, and indy has no intentions of dragging her. "could you come over here? i have a crier and she won't smile for me no matter what." indy pouts at the little girl, who continues to bawl her eyes out. maybe she just doesn't like boys and gaeul will have better luck?

                                                                        *  @lgcgaeul ☼ !

[indylgc]

☀ ︴redemption arc

practice, practice, practice.

that's just about all indy's life is now, and he supposes that's probably how it always should've been. it's just that before, it was practice and skateboarding and cooking and watching movies with jiahn and video calling with their parents from time to time.

now it's just practice, practice, and also jiahn, still, maybe more than ever.

not right now, though. well, it's still practice, he's just not with jiahn for now. he's really tired today, and his throat started getting sore, so he decided to head back to the dorm earlier than usual, except he's not doing that right now either. he decided, right before he got past all the practice rooms, that he wanted to record himself singing to love scenario one more time so he could listen to it back at the dorm and figure out what to work on tomorrow.

he opens the door to the practice room closest to him, and it turns out it's already occupied. he's about to apologize until he realizes he recognizes the face in the mirror as someone he hasn't seen in too long.

"somin!" he greets her excitably. maybe they aren't quite close enough to warrant this kind of reaction, but any previous reservations he had about her have (mostly) faded with time. they have a lot in common, even if she did basically tell him he had no talent once. that was a long time ago now, and indy was and is still inclined to agree. he still doesn't have talent, but he worked hard enough that he thinks he finally developed some skill. he's not bad at dancing, at least, and legacy decided he rapped well enough to put his voice on an ost for some reason (he's still trying to wrap his head around that one.)

he's still in this evaluation group, too, so he must be doing okay. maybe he has more confidence than ever, too.

that gives him an idea suddenly. "hey, actually, are you busy right now?" she's an idol now. surely she's busy. he didn't even properly say hi to her. he needs to back up a little bit. "sorry. it's good to see you. i don't remember if i ever properly congratulated you on debuting..." he smiles sheepishly. "there's just like-- a lot going on for me right now," and he laughs. "i'm sure you are busy, but if you have a few minutes to spare i could use your opinion on something...?"

he wants to sing love scenario for somin, if she's free enough. he's still not the best singer, and if he wanted to impress her he'd be better off dancing or rapping for sure, but it's not really about that. it's about the fact that he trusts somin to be honest, maybe even brutally so, and it's not that jiahn hasn't been; it's just that it would be nice to get some outside feedback.

                                                                        *  @lgcsomin ☼ !

[indylgc]

☀ ︴everything is green

people like indy aren't meant to think so much.

this is the conclusion he's come to this month, after a record high level of thinking on his part.

he has some things figured out, but there's a lot to still sort through. one thing: he likes song jiahn-- in a not-just-best-friend sense. in a really heavy, terrifying, unignorable sense. he likes song jiahn, and he's pretty sure he's liked him for a very long time, according to his abundance of calculations since the day he was added to the boys' evaluation group. most of the time he hasn't spent thinking about it has been spent with jiahn himself, practicing, which naturally means he's still thinking about it because jiahn is right there.

they both needed a break. not from each other, but just to do something else. practicing for their upcoming performances has consumed their lives so far, and indy doesn't mind it, really. he doesn't think he's ever wanted to succeed so badly before, now that jiahn and cam have joined him in the group. they bring extra motivation and excitement with them, so indy likes practicing.

he just knows it's healthy to switch things up sometimes. plus, between all of his practicing, and his job outside of training he is still barely clinging onto, he misses his other friends.

another thing he has figured out: something about aiden makes him feel all gooey and melted. it's not a very graceful description, but the most accurate one he's thought of so far.

he had that figured out even before today, really; during all of his thinking.

it's just that now, as they walk along the path in one of indy's favorite parks, it's worse. it's worse because now he's not distracted by screaming kids he's trying to get to stop screaming, or guarding the bathroom from minjun the toilet paper thief. now, he's on a walk with one of his closest friends and he feels such a sense of relief, because he missed hanging out with him doing nothing in particular. it's worse because when aiden smiles, he gets that mushy feeling; it's not exactly butterflies, it's just that indy doesn't know if anyone else has ever smiled at him the same way aiden does. surely they have. surely he's just overthinking it, or romanticizing it or whatever,  but it doesn't change the fact-- god, what the fuck is happening?

there's still a lot he hasn't figured out yet.

he focuses on what he knows, though; aiden is his friend, he's glad to spend time with him, the weather is nice and he hasn't properly had fresh air in god knows how long.

a gust of wind rolls through, and maybe the weather is cold, actually. "it's kinda cold? is it kinda cold, or is it just me?" he rubs at his arms. he didn't think he would need a hoodie today, but even with his long sleeves, he's chilly. typical. aiden will probably make fun of him. indy laughs in advance.

                                                                         *  @lgcaiden ☼ !