Open Diary

just putting shit out there, I guess?

[talkingintothevoidagain]

I love love, but I don't think it loves me back

[talkingintothevoidagain]

I was 13, and spent the whole night alone in places I shouldn't be, doing things I shouldn't do and meeting people I wish I hadn't. I hated all of it. And I'm doing it again. I fucking hate being alone when it's the only alternative.

[talkingintothevoidagain]

When I was thirteen I had a really close group of friends, then one day they decided they were bored of me and dropped me. I'm twenty three now, but it sure feels like nothing changed.

I don't want to be thirteen anymore.

[talkingintothevoidagain]

Damn, I'm in love with love again

[talkingintothevoidagain]

I'm giggling and kicking my feet but also screaming at the top of my lungs

[talkingintothevoidagain]

Love is my religion and Hozier is my pastor

[talkingintothevoidagain]

Also, holy shit. I think I'm beggining to enjoy again the things that 13 y.o me destroyed. I never thought that if I came back here I'd be better (much less this old), but I am! Wow.

[talkingintothevoidagain]

Oh shit!! We are alive and ever changing!!!

[talkingintothevoidagain]

I also have to remind myself that things can be (and are) good.

[talkingintothevoidagain]

I want to confess, and I want to be held and seen. I want to be gently rocked from side to side and consoled. I want my trauma to be recognized and to not be met with silence when I speak.

[talkingintothevoidagain]

I want to rip myself open and show my friends what is going on and just have like, a good cry with them

[talkingintothevoidagain]

My dog died a while ago, almost two years now. He was a son to me and I loved him like I've never loved anything or anyone before.

For months after he passed I was completely destroyed, I couldn't go into my room because that's where he slept and I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because even though I did everything that could've been done for him I still felt like it wasn't enough, like I failed him. I felt so empty and so full at the same time, like I could burst at any given moment.

Then one day I came across something that said that to mourn someone is to have loved them, and to now have nowhere to put all that love. That changed me.

But now I still have no answer on where to put all that love. I'm left with my chest filled to the brim and no one will take it, I think I might drown.

[talkingintothevoidagain]

I don't want to have to mourn the person I could've been if I wasn't mentally ill, and yet here we are.

[talkingintothevoidagain]

I am, at my core, very lonely.