hello, jo here! as i no longer wish to be associated with wonyang, i’m officially turning kenji into an indie muse. if any of you would like to continue writing with me, feel free to hit me up here or on d*scord (my user is at /ooc if you don’t already have it). i’ve deleted most threads, though, but i’m always up for keeping some/starting new ones if any of you wish to do so. i’ve unfollowed almost everyone, but simply let me know and i’ll refollow if any of you would like to keep up interaction between our muses.
the only major change i’m making to kenji is that he will not have lived in wonyang at all. instead, he never left seoul and is still living there. everything else will still be the same. i still need to do a massive overhaul of the pages on his blog but i’ll get there.
as for jieun, i’ve password protected her blog and don’t plan on bringing her back, unless anyone would like to continue writing with her, in which case i’ll merge her with kenji on this blog.
i enjoyed roleplaying with you guys! you’re more than welcome to stay in touch with me — i’m always available on d*scord. thank you for everything ~
✎ —– AS always, Chai is stuck with his nose in a book in the back corner of the library. The history section, row four, his favorite place to be. It’s become known amongst some of his peers that this area was where he frequented; if anyone needed him and couldn’t find him roaming the halls, it was more than likely Chai was here, reading. No one dared to sit in his unofficial spot after the first few months of Chai staking claim at the small study desk at the end of the row, even if the young wizard was open to sharing it with others. The desk wasn’t technically his, after all.
But today, no one has decided to sit in his desk, and so Chai is left to pile up books upon books on the small surface, flipping through them with delicate fingers as the time passes on. He’s about to finish his third on muggle gaming when the familiar sound of footsteps pads in his direction, and his head raises when an unfamiliar voice calls out his name.
“Huh—” Chai begins, blinking up at the stranger—no, scratch that, not a stranger. An acquaintance at most: it was Tanaka Kenji, an older Hufflepuff who he’s seen pass through the corridors. Occasionally he’d wave to him, but that was the extent of any sort of interaction they’ve ever had.. so whatever did he want now? Chai shuts his book to turn himself in the direction of the older to give him full attention, brow raised in question as it’s obvious Kenji is struggling to say something. “Wondering what…?”
Chai’s words die in his throat when Kenji finally asks.
“O-Oh—” is all he manages to stammer out, and the telltale sign of a blush is blossoming onto his cheeks, visible even in the dim light of the library. This was the last thing he had been expecting that afternoon, to be asked to the Yule Ball, let alone by Kenji. By Kenji, a near stranger to Chai. But something was stirring in Chai’s chest as he sits there at the desk, a feeling he couldn’t remember having when a handful of others had attempted to ask him in the weeks prior. Something was different with Kenji asking. Something so different, and it’s leaving Chai a stuttering mess as he stares almost dumbfounded up at the older male.
“M-Me—?” he finally manages to say after seconds pass, index finger coming over to point at his own chest. “Are you asking.. me to the Yule Ball with you..? Me, Chai, who.. who uhm.. just— me, Chai, of all people?” He swallows as he still sits there, cheeks darkening a deeper shade of red. “Me— You— asking… me, for real?”
Kenji is fidgeting with the sleeve of his robe as Chai starts stuttering, avoiding the younger’s gaze. Had he dared meet the Prefect’s eyes, he might have noticed the pink blush creeping upon his cheeks. But he was simply too nervous to look at the other, gaze planted firmly on the floor.
As the other starts questioning him, the older dares look up, though only for a moment. Was it so surprising to the Ravenclaw that Kenji would ask him? Maybe he had been hoping for someone else to ask him. Maybe he doesn’t even like boys like that. Maybe... he doesn’t even like Kenji. It’s not like the two have interacted an awful lot, Kenji’s crush on the other being mostly from a distance.
He feels stupid about it now, the amount of times he had run up to his best friend, Jae, all excited simply because Chai had waved at him. He’s a nice person, of course he waves at everyone. Of course Kenji isn’t a special case. The tiny sliver of hope he had, a hope that maybe, just maybe, Chai would like him back, if only a little, is disappearing for every word that comes out of the younger’s mouth.
“I, uh, yes...” His gaze is again focused on the floor, his voice merely a murmur. “But you don’t... You don’t have to say yes. I, uh, I understand.” He swallows, before moving his gaze towards where the Ravenclaw is sitting. He notices the deep blush on the other’s cheeks, causing him to hesitate for a moment. Could he...? No. He’s probably just embarrassed on Kenji’s behalf. He’s stupid for even having asked in the first place.
“I’ll just be off, then. We can forget this ever happened.”
As soon as the other had made the sudden switch to English he’d abandoned the cool blue light of the device in his hand, looking over at the man sat opposite instead. A mixture of curiosity and deep thought cross his features as the other speaks, the pieces slowly slotting together. His father had definitely mentioned Kenji by name, and though his current condition made him an unreliable source, it was slowly becoming more believable that he was correct.
Even as the evidence mounts, there’s a part of Jaebeom that refuses to believe it. He’s been beaten down so often, especially as of late, and frankly doesn’t want to build his hopes up only to be crushed by disappointment when they crumble. But maybe, just maybe, he’s endured enough of the universes hardships to earn this one good thing.
He can’t shake the feeling that his theory is correct. The stranger looks familiar, his distinctive accent flecked with British sounds familiar, and he seems to know Jaebeom as Jae: pretty much the only name that he’d used back in London. It all points in one direction. One very unlikely direction.
It has to be him. It just has to be.
And so for once he dares to hope and takes a punt. Throws caution to the wind and risks falling flat on his face and embarrassing himself because he needs to be sure. Wonyang is a lonely place after all, and he may not have another opportunity to find out. “That’s me…” He responds quietly, though apparently not quietly enough to go unnoticed by the staff who fix him with a glare that says shut up or get out. Under normal circumstances the chastisement would cause him to fall back into mortified silence with a face of crimson, and until their backs are turned he does, but as soon as they’re out of earshot he’s speaking in hushed whispers once more.
“Kenji?” He asks cautiously, and there’s no hiding the grin slowly but surely appearing. Even the idea that it could be one of his oldest friends is enough to put him at ease. To give his smile a genuineness that its been lacking. And then it dawns on him: Ten years is a long time. They’re not in school anymore. So much has happened since they last met and things have undoubtedly changed. Though the wounds of the past have healed over the scars remain. For a flash of a second he falters. “I… I didn’t think I’d see you again.”
The question is lost on Jaebeom for a good few seconds as he sits there gawping, head still reeling. There are a thousand things that he wants to say and a thousand more that he wants to ask, but with his mind in overdrive he doesn’t know where to begin. About what Kenji has been doing, why he’s in Wonyang and how much he’s been missed. But even answering the question is a challenge. “Well, my life went to hell after you left, my family has fallen apart and I dropped out of law school and now I’m barely holding myself together” doesn’t paint a particularly good picture of him, and there’s a good chance it would serve only to drive another wedge between them. He supposes that it’s better to simplify and gloss over the details. Experience has shown that he’s good at doing that, after all. “I’ve been good, more or less.” He breathes, finally breaking the stunted silence. The excitement of his grin is subdued now, a much more gentle smile replacing it. “What about you? What are… What are you doing here?”
He can’t believe it. It’s actually the Jeon Jaebeom sitting in front of him. The other’s quiet response confirms it, resulting in a glare from a barista. A silence stretches out between them, allowing Kenji’s thoughts to filter through his head, an overwhelming mess with a million thoughts at once.
What are the odds he would end up meeting his best friend, his only friend, from his childhood in London, here, in Wonyang? At his roommate’s workplace? It just seems too good to be true. Is he dreaming? He inconspicuously bites the inside of his lip, just to make sure. The pain makes him flinch slightly. Yep, definitely awake. He must look like an idiot, sitting there flinching at something he did to himself.
“Yeah, I’m Kenji,” he replies, letting out a breathless laugh. He’s relieved to find his childhood nickname, Ken, hadn’t stuck around. Not that his friend had been a frequent user of it, either; it had mostly been used by the English kids at school, with claims of his actual name being ‘too hard to pronounce’. Which it really wasn’t, but he’d quickly learned to pick his fights carefully, and had let it go.
It’s hard to describe the atmosphere between them. It feels tense, in a way — perhaps tense with anticipation, the both of them waiting to find out if the other is the friend they remember from ten years ago. It feels almost as if it was in another life. Kenji definitely isn’t the same person today, far from it, and he doubts Jaebeom is, either. Still, he hopes they can find it in themselves to reconnect. He’d certainly missed his friend a lot.
He must admit, the older’s answer doesn’t satisfy him. Kenji wants to hear details, not just a simple ‘I’ve been good’. It’s been so long since they knew each other, it’s almost as if they’re getting to know each other all over again. But Jaebeom’s response doesn’t reveal anything.
Maybe the other had been through tough times, too. Back in London, neither of them had been particularly well-liked among the other students, someone always finding a way to pick on them. But back then they’d had each other, which made facing a challenge a lot easier. He wonders if Jae has had to face any challenges on his own, perhaps not something fitting to discuss during their first meeting in more than ten years.
Despite his dissatisfaction, though, he finds himself replying in the same manner. “I’ve been alright,” he says, which is a complete lie. He’s not sure if elaborating would be a good idea, so he leaves it at that. Maybe if they decide to rekindle their friendship, which he really hopes they will.
“I’m here for school. Lived in Seoul during high school, so I guess I just ended up staying in Korea for uni.” He shrugs. “Not exactly sure what I’m staying for. Guess I don’t really feel like moving too far away from my sister.”
To say Kenji is nervous, would be a massive understatement. Nervous doesn’t even begin to cover what he’s feeling right now. He doesn’t want to be dramatic, but what he’s about to do might be the most nerve-wracking thing he has ever had to go through in his life. Even more nerve-wracking than the time he had to face his father’s wrath after being sorted into Hufflepuff. ( the most useless house, filled with a bunch of airheads, according to his dad ). He’s about to ask Chai, the boy he’s had the biggest crush on for well over a year now, if he wants to go with him to the Yule Ball.
As expected, he finds Chai in the library, hidden away in the history section. Thankfully, the younger is alone, allowing for a more private conversation. “Chai?” Kenji calls out carefully as he approaches him, hoping he’s not interrupting the Ravenclaw in the middle of an important study session. A deep breath is taken before he says anything else, followed by a shaky exhale. “I, uh, I was j–just wondering...” His words are coming out as a stutter, thickly laced with nervousness. He swallows before trying again, determined to get his message across this time.
Come on, Kenji. It’s just like Jae said—what’s the worst that could happen?
“I was just wondering if you’d like to go to the Yule Ball. Uh, with me. As a... date.” His cheeks have reddened by the time he finishes his sentence, a rosy red warming his features. He bites his lip, anxiously awaiting Chai’s response.
To say that Jaebeom is unsurprised by the topic of conversation would be the understatement of the century. His friend’s infatuation with the younger Ravenclaw has become a regular talking point of late, only increasing in frequency as the Yule Ball looms larger and larger on the horizon. It’s kind of sweet really, he thinks, how worked up the other seems to get despite refusing to act on it in any way.
A lot of the time Kenji seems satisfied to talk at Jae rather than to him, and for the most part he was perfectly happy to act as a sounding board. It was hardly as though he had much in the way of sage advice or wisdom to offer given his painfully limited experience in such matters himself. Tonight though, when his friend says that he’s planning on asking the other he can’t help but chirp up. Where a few moments before he’d been reclining on his bed, eyes closed and arms stretched behind his head, he’s now sat bolt upright with a dopey grin and a mixture of disbelief, excitement and something close to pride washing over his features.
“Finally! You were cutting it a little fine, thought I might have to intervene.” He beams enthusiastically, completely disregarding the Kenji’s obvious embarrassment. His worry had been genuine: With each passing day it seemed less likely that his friend would ask of his own volition and more likely that he would have to take action on his behalf. After all, listening to him gush about the fifth year was one thing, but listening to him mourn the fact that he’d missed his chance was entirely another. “Just… use your words and ask him?” Jaebeom offers, knowing full well that it isnt going to be any help whatsoever. “He’s a sweet kid, you’re a good guy, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“I know, I just...” He pauses, glancing over the other who’s now sitting up in his bed, his featured stretched into a grin. Kenji can’t bring himself to share the same excitement, his nerves getting the better of him. What good would it do to get excited only for Chai to reject him? That would absolutely crush him. No, it was best to not get too excited, not until he knows what the younger’s response will be.
“I’m nervous, okay?” He dramatically flops down on his bed, letting out a sigh in the process. “What if someone else already asked him, Jae? Or what if he just doesn’t want to go with me? Or worse, what if he doesn’t like me, like at all?” The questions come out as whines, a desperate look on the younger’s face as he looks over at his friend.
He considers the advice for a moment, though he has to admit, he was hoping for better advice. Not that he’s sure what other advice there is to give. Maybe what he’s actually hoping for is for the situation to get resolved on its own, without Kenji having to do anything. “How do I just ‘use my words’? You and I both know I’m not the best with words.” His features form into a pout. “A lot of bad things could happen, Jae! I could potentially lose the love of my life here!”
✎ —– HE knows it must feel weird to suddenly receive a text from someone you barely know, but Chai felt like it was important. Or rather. Just something silly that Jin needed to be a part of. For the record, Jin was his roommate’s good friend, wasn’t he? That was why for that brief period of time he was always over dropping stuff off? Hell, Chai even took some of those ‘deliveries’ for Kenji, setting the wrapped boxes down in front of his roommate’s door. So it’s only fair that when Chai gets wrapped up in some elaborate demonstration ( is it even appropriate to call it that? ) that he text his roommate’s best friend so they can be involved too. Or maybe it was Chai too embarrassed to be doing this alone.
The young artist perks up when he hears a knock at the front door, nearly bolting from his room to reach the entrance to his oh so humble abode. It felt like hours since Chai had last received the “I’m on my way” text from the other; he was growing impatient waiting to show off the creation he had come up with. And plus, it was no fun if his captive just sat there all day!
“HYUNG!” Chai shouts almost too eagerly as he opens the front door with his arms up in the air. His choice of attire wasn’t the most normal either–t-he hem of a pink-fringed skirt was hanging out from under his oversized sweater—but he chooses to dismiss it as he steps aside to welcome Jin in. “YES! That’s exactly what I’ve asked you over for. Please please. Come and inspect my newly built dungeon and tell me. Is it to your liking! I need expert approval!!” He points across his apartment to direct Jin where to go, his finger aiming at his bedroom door with a crudely taped sign reading “CHAI’S DUNGEON” written across it. “OH! But please, don’t disturb our prisoner too much inside, if that’s okay!!”
He’s not sure who had the idea to turn Chai’s bedroom into a dungeon. It’s as if it suddenly was just there, the sign on the door and the black tarp covering the walls, a poor attempt at making it look like an actual dungeon. It made sense for Kenji to be the captive. They had found handcuffs for him, pink fuzzy ones he’s sure he’s never seen before, but he doesn’t question how they got into their possession. Maybe they were Chai’s secret toys? He’s not sure, he just puts them on, assuming the role of prisoner.
Chai stays with him for a while, waiting for Jin to come. The man had been invited over to inspect the dungeon. Again, not sure whose idea it was, but it had seemed like a good one. Not that he thinks Jin has a lot of experience with dungeons, but for some reason, he’s the only one of his acquaintances that seems like he’d have good opinions on them.
There’s a knock on the door, and Chai disappears to welcome their guest, leaving Kenji alone. Like the obedient prisoner he is, he stays completely still, handcuffed to the wall with the fuzzy, pink handcuffs. It doesn’t take long for his master to return, the familiar face of the dragon trailing behind him.
The Yule Ball is coming up, and Kenji knows he should be excited. Well, he is, to some degree. But a big part of him is feeling nervous, so nervous that it overpowers the excitement he’s feeling. And he does have great reason to be feeling nervous. People have already started picking their dates. Only today he witnessed at least 6 people being asked out. Safe to say, Kenji is stressed, constantly worrying that someone will come before him in asking out his long-time crush — Chai, a fifth year Ravenclaw. He needs a plan and he needs it soon.
“Jae,” he whines out. He’s in his dormitory room, shared with his best friend since childhood, Jaebeom. The two have just retreated, about to go to bed, which Kenji figures is as good of a time to ask for advice as any.
“You know the Yule Ball is coming up.” He’s sure his friend can already tell where this is going. For quite some time now, Kenji has been gushing about Chai almost daily, always talking about how cute the Prefect is. It surprises him that Jae still puts up with it, honestly. “I wanna ask Chai,” he confesses, his cheeks turning a soft shade of pink. “But I don’t know how to do it. I need help. Please, will you help me think of something?”
As soon as the other nods, a wave of relief washes over his features and Jaebeom sinks wordlessly into the chair opposite.It’s been a long, arduous day and that’s all he really wants to do; sit down. Relax. But it seems recently that the world has had other plans, and that isn’t an option. If he lets his focus stray for even a moment it seems as though everything could crumble. Still, he supposes, at least it makes it easier to appreciate brief moments of reprieve like these.
There’s something comforting about this place. Maybe it’s the atmosphere that reminds him of home. After all, there isn’t much in Wonyang that does. Or maybe it’s the quiet. After spending hours in the rat race and surrounded by chattering, often rather obnoxious tourists, the tranquillity of the Thinking Cup presents a welcome change of pace. The policy slips his mind more than he’d care to admit, and he’s been chastised for breaking it more than once by the staff, but there’s no denying the peacefulness in the air.
Attention is focused on the phone he’s pulled from his pocket to occupy, screen still cracked from the unsuccessful mugging attempt a few weeks ago. He really should get it repaired, but with both time and funds in short supply other things have taken priority. He can’t help it tough, and every so often he glances over at the other from the corner of his eye, trying to figure out if his suspicions are correct without asking outright and risking embarrassing himself. Even if he wanted to be right, it seemed near impossible. There’s something familiar, but the odds are just so improbable.
He doesn’t have to wait long for an answer. In fact he’s only half way through the cup of almost tar black coffee (sweetened to the point where most would find it unpalatable) when the sound of the book closing and a hushed whisper draws his gaze from the screen. “No it’s not stupid, I, uh… I moved here a couple of years ago but London’s… London’s home.” He murmurs back after a moment with a nod.
And then silence again. Jaebeom doesn’t really know how to respond. Doesn’t want to bombard the other with questions and risk making a fool of himself or coming across as crazed. So instead he just goes in for another long sip and looks back down at his phone. That only lasts for a few seconds before curiosity get the better of him.“I’m sorry, this might sound crazy but we… we used to know each other, right? You just… I’m sure I recognise you and-”
He is almost about to leave, all his stuff gathered in his hand, ready to get up, when the other male’s response comes. His immediate reaction is to freeze up, his bag slowly sinking to the floor as he sits back again, merely staring at the familiar face opposite him. The face that looks so much like his childhood friend’s. A million thoughts are racing through Kenji’s head. He’s from London. It has to be him, right? Jaebeom? If not, the universe must have decided to play some kind of sick joke on him.
No, he decides, it really can’t be a coincidence that this man is from London and also just happens to look like his old friend. It has to be him. Should he... say something? A silence has stretched between the two, the other having gone back to looking at his phone. Is he not interested in reconnecting? Is Kenji completely wrong, and it’s not Jaebeom after all?
The question of whether to leave or not is back in his head again when the silence is broken. He lets out a breath, relieved that his theory seems to be further proven by the other’s words. “No, I... It’s not crazy,” he replies, switching over to their other shared language, his words already flowing more easily. “Sorry, I’m still not the best at Korean,” he explains with a low laugh, carefully glancing towards the register to make sure no employees had taken note of the sound.
“I think you’re right. In that we knew each other. I recognize you, too.” It’s weird — the pronunciation of his words were already flowing into old habits, as if affected by his old friend’s presence. In the years after his family moved away from London, Kenji’s English accent had mostly gone back to sounding more American, though some traces of the city’s influence remained.
“You’re Jae, right?” he asks quietly, a part of him still terrified of being mistaken. “Jaebeom?” He corrects himself, having used his old nickname for the older out of habit. It was weird how that still stuck around, when it has been more than 10 years since they last saw each other. “How’ve you been?” He feels rather awkward about the question, unsure if it’s the right way to approach the situation. The two haven’t seen each other in a long time, and for all he knows, their separation had hurt the other male as much as it had hurt Kenji.
setting: ?, seoul, south korea
time: november 27th, 09:55 am kst
“How are you feeling, honey? Nervous?” his mother questions, a warm, soft smile directed at her son. He was finally out of the hospital, his mother having insisted he stayed there until she could find him a therapist. Which could’ve taken her less time, in his opinion. She had sworn it was because she had to consider carefully, she only wanted the best of the best for her son. Kenji had doubted that — while his mother may have had a change of heart regarding him needing professional help, he didn’t doubt for a second that she had still been prioritizing her job for the past week. He wasn’t going to blame her for it, though. He understands she can’t suddenly drop everything, especially not in the middle of preparing a new line of clothing. At least she had eventually found someone, even if it had taken her a week.
“I guess,” he replies nonchalantly, eyes not leaving his phone. He knows she hates when he does that, speaking without actually being in the conversation, but at the moment, he didn’t care. He needed something to focus on, something to take his mind off what was about to happen. The two of them currently found themselves in the empty waiting room at a psychiatric clinic, waiting for Kenji’s first appointment to start. His mother had insisted on coming with, despite the male’s many complaints. Needless to say, his complaints had been promptly shut down. He just hopes she isn’t expecting to be invited in to the actual appointment. Sure, the past week they’d been mending their relationship, slowly getting back to more of a normal one, but he is definitely not ready to open up to her like that. Not by a long shot, if ever.
A sigh of despair is heard from the woman next to him, dramatic as ever. Rolling his eyes, Kenji puts away his phone, shifting his focus to his mother instead. He almost makes a snide remark at her out of habit, something that had become somewhat of a defense mechanism against his parents. Be nice, he reminds himself. Now that their relationship is on the mend, better than it has been for years, the last thing he wants to do is ruin that. “Sorry,” he mumbles out instead, gaze moving to focus on his lap before he continues.
“Yes, I’m nervous. Very much so.” The admission makes him feel weak. Despite the past week, he still finds it hard to open up to her. The past is hard to forget, the memories of his parents’ dismissal of his mental issues playing on what feels like a constant loop inside his head. His thoughts are interrupted when a hand finds his, carefully squeezing. “Look at me,” his mother says, her words soft and careful. He does, unsure what to expect.
“I can’t apologize enough for not taking you seriously earlier, Kenji. I wish I could make you understand how truly sorry I am. Losing a child... It’s a mother’s greatest fear. And I almost lost you.” She pauses, swallows. Much to Kenji’s surprise, she looks almost like she’s close to tears. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen his mother cry. “I hope you never have to experience that, Kenji. Almost losing you, it made me realize... If something could make me feel like this, then what have I been doing, not believing you can feel this terrible, too?” Another squeeze of his hand. “I feel sorry knowing there’s not a lot I can do to help you. I might never understand, not fully. But I hope I have found someone for you that will. And I will pray, every night, that one day, my son will be happy again. It’s okay to feel nervous. It’s okay to be vulnerable. My only wish for you, my son, is that you put all your effort into this, into getting better. Can you promise me that, darling?”
Before he can even gather his thoughts, someone steps into the waiting room. “Tanaka,” a woman calls out in a soft voice. Kenji thinks to himself that she sounds kind, which is a good first impression, he supposes. A quick nod is directed at his mother, who he now notices has tears dripping down her cheeks, before his gaze focuses on the newcomer. Not only does the woman sound kind, she looks kind too, a bright smile adorning her face. He’s beginning to think this might not end up too badly, after all.
“I promise, mom,” he whispers, before getting up and following his therapist into what will hopefully change his life for the better.
FROM THE DESK OF … . @wykenji!
↳ NOTES : A STARTER . TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR: MENTIONS OF DRUG ABUSE
✎ —– STEPPING through the corridors of the blinding hospital wings, Chai feels his heart growing heavier and heavier with each passing step. It was the last place he was expecting himself to be that afternoon, let alone, the last person he expected to be visiting in the facility for that matter. He knew things were a little… off with the person in question, but he never thought it was this bad. But then again, Chai was never one to pry in the private life of others, so why should he be so surprised his roommate of all people landed himself in the hospital on a drug overdose? Chai was oblivious to most things. It really shouldn’t be as shocking as it was. Kenji probably did drugs while Chai was out of the house and Chai was too fucking stupid to notice.
With a small sigh, the young artist steps over to the counter to check in, signing what was needed before being given the room number his roommate was staying in. He only had a few hours of visitation hours but he didn’t mind too much; a few hours were better than none. Plus, Chai was making a visit unannounced—the text Kenji’s sister sent to Chai a few hours earlier had the poor boy packing up his things in a frenzy at the cafe and rushing over before he could even get his coffee. And now here he was, less than a half hour later, sending a thank you text to Kenji’s sister while he walking through the corridors to see her brother.
His eyes raise from his phone after the text is sent ( “thank you, I’ll let you know how he is” he types politely in English ) to scan the hallway for the correct room. It feels like an eternity before he finally locates the room, and the artist is left holding his breath as he stares at the closed door in which his roommate sits behind.
“Ah.” Chai breathes out after another handful of seconds, hesitation on his face as he finally brings his hand up to rap his knuckles against the wood. “Kenji—?” he starts softly as he slides his hand down to grasp the doorknob, turning it gently as he speaks again. “Uhm. Kenji—?” There’s a smallness in his voice, a sense of anticipation and worry as Chai pushes open the door, peeking his head in first before stepping all the way inside without waiting for a response. He clicks the door shut behind him as he sucks in a deep breath, exhaling as he drops his gaze to the floor, unsure of what he was seeing. The same smallness is there in his voice as he speaks, fingers wringing together all the while. “I know. Uhm. I’m probably not someone you’re expecting to see today.. but uh. Hi. I’ve come to.. visit, or whatever they call it. If that’s okay.”
Finally, he’s alone. His mother had stuck around for hour upon hour, which was more time than the two of them had spent together alone in God knows how long. It must’ve been at least ten years since the two of them had spent any notable amount of time alone, as his mother had always been busy with work, and eventually, Kenji had become busy with things of his own. He has to admit, he hadn’t hated having her around that day. She had seemed genuine about her change of heart, and much to his surprise, he had found her presence comforting.
His sister had come to visit after school, after receiving a text from their mother. Her visit had been filled with tears on both parts. As much as he loves his sister, Kenji is relieved his mother made Mina leave. Her presence had reminded him just how ashamed he is of himself, of what he has become. The tears that had begun to flow freely once she entered the room hadn’t helped, only making him feel even more guilty about being a disappointment for his entire family.
The oldest Tanaka has yet to visit, which is more than fine with Kenji. It stings a bit, knowing he works in the very same building, and he can’t even spare five minutes to go see his son. But then again, his father is the last person Kenji wants to see. His mother had barely mentioned him during their earlier conversation, making it safe to assume the two of them were not on the same page when it comes to their son. Which isn’t surprising, really. He has learned not to expect more from the man.
After no more than thirty minutes alone, he hears the doorknob turning. Assuming it’s the nurse, he doesn’t look up from his phone, continuing his mindless scrolling down his different social media platforms. He knows this is probably the last thing he should be doing with his time, as seeing how perfect people were painting their lives to be was doing nothing but make him feel worse about himself. It’s not until he hears a familiar voice that he lifts his head, eyes slightly widened in surprise. His heart lurches once he sees who’s standing in front of him, his eyes finding the brown orbs of the person he had perhaps longed to see the most.
“Chai?” he breathes out, putting his phone away as he sits up more in bed, an attempt at looking at least a little bit more presentable. “How did you—” The answer comes to him before he can finish asking the question. Mina. He had completely forgotten the two of them have met. She must’ve taken it upon herself to let his roommate know, knowing Kenji definitely wasn’t planning on doing it anytime soon, too ashamed to admit anything. He supposes she did the right thing — the younger did deserve to know why he wasn’t at home. Kenji doesn’t want him to worry unnecessarily.
“Hi,” he replies, a weak smile accompanying his words. “Uhm, yeah, of course that’s fine.” He’s unsure of what to say or do next. While he’s glad to see his roommate, part of him wishes it had been literally anyone else coming to see him. He’d even take his father. Chai was never supposed to find out, not like this. Kenji doesn’t even want to imagine what the younger must be thinking about him at the moment. But then again, he must care. At least enough to visit.
There’s a silence. Kenji thinks maybe Chai is finding this situation to be just as hard as he is. After all, it’s not every day you have to visit your roommate in the hospital following a drug overdose. “Uh, sit down.” He nods towards the chair next to his bed, previously occupied by his mother. The silence stretches on, and he has nothing to fill it with. He hates silences, especially ones like these, that feel almost impossible to fill. If only he wasn’t stuck to the heart monitor, he could’ve gotten up, wrapped himself around the younger male, felt his familiar warmth. It would’ve made their greeting less awkward, he imagines. Instead, all he has to help himself with are words.
“Uh... How are you?” he asks, though he should probably be the one answering that question.
setting: ?, seoul, south korea
time: november 20th 2018, 11:38 am kst
“You’re lucky it happened close enough for you to be brought here,” is the first thing Kenji hears when he comes to. It’s Japanese, a recognizable voice. His mother’s. Along with her voice, he can hear a distant beeping. Beep. Beep. Beep. It’s steady, he notices. Almost sounds like a heart monitor.
Kenji promptly ignores his mother as he wakes up fully, slowly but surely building up to opening his eyes. Once he does it, he’s overwhelmed by the brightness of the room he’s in. He quickly closes them again, instead focusing on taking in the sounds around him. There’s the beeping from before, but along with that, he can hear people walking by on the other side of the wall, distant chatter. It doesn’t take long for him to realize exactly where he is. The hospital. And it must be his father’s hospital, in Yongdeok, considering his mother seems to be relieved he’s here and not somewhere else.
Tentatively, he tries to open his eyes again. The light still feels blinding, but it’s not as bad as it had been the first time he tried. He squints a bit, but manages to keep them somewhat open, enough to get a brief look at the room. It’s a familiar sight — the sterile white of hospital rooms. His mother is seated in a chair next to him, regarding him with a stern look on her face.
“You can’t keep doing this, Kenji,” she says. He looks away from her, instead focusing his gaze on his lap. There’s no ‘How are you feeling?’, or ‘I’m so glad to see you awake’. None of that. Not that he ever expects that from his mother. With her it’s always all business, straight to the point.
Her words are left ignored. “Where’s Mina?” he asks instead, more worried about his sister than himself at the moment. He knows it’s inevitable that his sister will eventually find out about what has happened, but that doesn’t stop him from not wanting her to know just how terrible of a human he is. God, he wishes he could be a good role model for her. He wonders if his parents have even told her yet, or if they’re shielding her because they want her to focus on school. Honestly, both are viable options.
“She’s in school.” Kenji can feel his mother’s gaze on him, but he doesn’t dare look up to meet it. “We haven’t told her anything,” she adds after a moment. Relief floods through his body. Good. She might eventually find out, maybe as soon as today, even, but at least she doesn’t know anything yet. He doesn’t have to blame himself for her not being able to focus at school that day, which is something.
“Are you planning on telling her?” he asks, finally daring to look at his mother. She returns his gaze, merely looking at him for a moment before replying. “You know we have to, Kenji. You know she deserves to know.” He nods. It’s not that he thinks she doesn’t deserve to know — he’ll gladly share every single detail of his life with her. But she doesn’t deserve to have him be in her life, not when all he’ll do is disappoint her like this.
“I know,” he finally says in agreement, once again looking away from his mother. He wishes she would just leave him alone already, come back later to bother him then. All he wants to do in that moment is sleep away his worries. Not that it ever works — his life is always just as terrible every time he wakes up again.
The next words his mother says to him are the last thing Kenji had expected to hear that day. “I think we need to find you a psychologist, honey,” she says. His gaze immediately finds her again, two almost identical set of eyes meeting. While Kenji looks almost like a splitting image of his father at his age, he has at least gotten his mother’s eyes. “You... What?” he mumbles, confused. For years, his parents had refused to acknowledge his problems. All they had done was shame him for how he chooses to deal with his issues, all the self-medicating that had eventually turned into an addiction. But the fact that there were underlying causes for his addiction was something neither of his parents had been willing to admit.
Until now, it seems. “Yes,” his mother replies, eyes softening. She stays quiet for a moment, merely looking at her son. With a soft smile, the first genuine smile directed at Kenji in years, she continues. “Your father and I, we... We didn’t listen to you. When you tried to tell us what was wrong, we didn’t... We didn’t listen to you. We heard you, but we didn’t understand. Didn’t want to understand. I’m sorry, my son. We should have listened, even Mina was telling us...” Another pause. “I have failed as a mother, and for that I am truly sorry,” she says more quietly, her voice on the verge of breaking towards the end of the sentence.
Kenji doesn’t know what to say. His throat tightens up, tears threatening to escape his eyes. His chest feels heavy as he takes a deep, unsteady breath. “Mom, it’s... It’s okay,” he croaks out, reaching out a hand towards her. She immediately grabs it with both hands, squeezing her son’s hand.
“No, Kenji, it’s not okay. My oldest child, my only son, has been suffering. For years. And I’ve been ignoring it, hoping it would go away if I never acknowledged it. That’s not okay, sweetie. I promise you, honey, I will... I will become a better mother for you. And I’ll help you and support you through everything, okay, honey? Anything at all, I’ll be there for you. I swear it.”
NCTsmtown_127: How was today? I want to show you guys more pictures but I’ll do that the next chance I get kekekeke I think tomorrow my friend is gonna do it kekeke Bye everyone kekekekeke (1, 2)
Translation: Grace@ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: NCT 127 Official Twitter
— Please take out with full credits
