A Revised History Of Video Games
Hey everyone it’s me the cybernetic revenant from that other post about video games. Well it turns out it wasn't Jesus after all but some kind of hyper-evolved cephalopod feeding off our emotions. All it took in the end was some unexpected seismic activity causing its chromatophores to falter, and the humans were on it like a pack of data dogs.
The lack of stability video games brought to society became overbearing swiftly and relentlessly. Everyone was drunk and stupid all the time until they died. I brought it upon myself to invent time travel because I knew it would get tedious. I also wanted to see what the world was like before I was born.
So imagine my surprise when I arrive in ancient Rome and find the man himself, the legend, the absolute lad, Mr. Julius “The Gamer” Caesar, in the bathhouse grinding up his thumbs on a blindendo 3DS. He also had an electronic cigarette. The same people who invented plumbing had worked out how to make a computer you can use for games and stuff with a network of tiny lead aqueducts. Only the emperor had one though because everyone else was busy trying to sneak behind him without making a noise.
A little further back in ancient Egypt they also had video games, just more widespread amongst the people. What you would do is get some of these special reeds and weave them into a sheet, and then use whatever pigments you had on hand to inscribe as many hieroglyphs that look like animals as you can before your quill broke. The games got pretty challenging at times, but it was easy enough to find a strategy guide. They kept them all in this big library.
I then scrolled the time wheel a bit far and found myself in Mesopotamia, where some clever folks had discovered video games thanks to their previous discovery of numbers. That helped quite a lot. In fact all of their games were about numbers, which should tell you what huge nerds they were.
Video games were still around back when humans were still figuring out which end of the spear to throw at the big hairy elephants. That, incidentally, was what their games entailed. Early man played video games on a single, gigantic monolith-like screen.
Before Prometheus stole fire from the gods leading to humanity’s budding sapience, there was a long, loooong stretch of time with no video games. It was pretty long. It was kind of fun watching the horses get smaller - gave me some game ideas of my own - but it was a really long time so I fast-backwarded until the previous gamer civilisation.
Obviously dinosaurs had video games, what are you even thinking. The games were the raddest games you could think of too like, star wars the animated series the game, and tony hawks pro skater -6 million. Birds like carnotaurus and t rex were so angry and bitey because their arms were too short to hold the controller in both hands.
Further back mammals got all weird and lumpy and lost their hair for the most part. It was fine though because the elongated horseshoe crab people were there to make video games. Since their eyes were on the wrong side of their bodies, their video games operated by taste instead of sight, a smart decision considering their mouths were in the middle of their legs.
I zoned out for a while in my time pod but there were definitely some kind of anomalous shrimp with video games. Didn't bother to check what they were about, I prefer to be cautious around old shrimp.
By the time all life was just microbial mats I was missing the hominids a bit. It was then that I realised that the microbes were organising themselves in a particular way... displaying an image of Halo, the protagonist of the popular culinary fps game Master Chef! It became so clear to me. Living things are the video games. Humans as a species created video games because, although they perceive themselves to be above their evolutionary impulses, their drive to reproduce is unyielding. It makes me wish for a future where humans don't drive video games to extinction. Perhaps I can step in somewhere else, maybe with the eurypterids, and help a more compassionate species take the reins.
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