Oh Noel (Trigger Warning)
Note: this is inspired by iDKHBTFM's (I Don't Know How But They Found Me) "Oh Noel". I'm having the feels tonight and I just want to write a short story about it.
Here's a link for it by the way, for those who doesn't know about them, Oh Noel by iDKHBTFM
(Btw, the italics are the letter, the Bold and italics are the lyrics, the bold letters are the news reporter, and the normal font is the main pov)
Hasn't every little Christmas wish been sent? Have sugarplums been dancing in your head?
Perhaps it was the chill of the night that caused the goosebumps on his skin. Maybe it was the snow, that caused his nose to clog up and his face to turn pink. How he wish that it was the season that he can blame for this cold feeling that he's having at this moment. This wishful thinking, that he hope will change places with the truth that is layed out in front of him - that did nothing but to make him remember more - but alas, it will not be the case.
I hope the holiday will find you well Oh, Noel Oh, Noel
My love, I cannot express to you how ecstatic I am when you told me last year that you're being relocated to your company's branch there. You can't believe how happy I'am that you can finally achieve the things that you want even form the start.
A smile fought its way to his face. He remembered the time when he told you that he's going to be transfered to a new branch of their company as its new and first President, and how you told him that his hardwork had finally payed off.
I met you in December '93 Noel been staying up the block
Remember when we celebrated it up until the other day. Our heads were like splitting in half that time. I remember you, almost tripping outside our front door because of excitement. We laughed and laughed and enjoyed ourselves that night, and I fell in love with you much more.
He smiled and smiled until his cheeks are hurting. For, of course, he remembers that time. Where they both lost themselves in each other's arms. How they kissed each other under the street lamp while walking towards a pub. How they whispered to each other, contently, while the upcoming winter chill started to seep through their bones. Still, they held each other's gazes without the care in the world. How he wish that he can go back to that time again.
Do you remember the time after that?
Of course, how could he not? That month was the happiest month of his life. How could he forget about it when he felt as if he traveled to the moon and back when you told him the news, weeks prior to his departure?
With her mother's family For two straight weeks, we ran through snow
When I told you that you're gonna be a father in nine months? We we're in cloud nine that time that you can't even stop giving me your glorious kisses and that comforting hug of yours. If I thought that I couldn't love you more, then i was an idiot, because that time I know that we will be together till the end.
He was ready to give up his company's offer that time, but you slapped his head and told him that he needed to go. That he can come back in a month or two to check up on the both of you, saying that its not even that risky because your pregnancy just started. Oh how he insisted so hard that you made him sleep on the couch. Now, he wish that he insisted more 'cause he would prefer to sleep there even for a year, than to be in this situation.
And do you remember the time after that?
And kissed beneath the mistletoe And swore our love in secret company
This made the man scoff, of course, how could he forget? The way how the both of you broke down in your hospital bed for god knows how long. He just got home for a three day leave before it happened. How the both of you grew hysterical when you both saw and felt the blood in the bed. How could he forget the way he saw your eyes lose its natural shine while you're staring at your own blood. How the he saw you breaking down in front of him while he's carrying you downstairs and into the car.How could he forget?
I was so lost that time. So, so lost. I let both of us down. I feel as if something was ripped inside me. As if I lost a part of me that I haven't even met yet. It hurts so much. I could remember it as if it happened yesterday. I can't even express what I feel and still feel right now. I just can't help but to hate myself when I realised that I've selfishly took every opportunity that you have when I heard you decline them in the phone, just for this mess. Just for me.
Hasn't every little Christmas card been sent? Has every child been tucked into their bed?
"...Why?" the man asked helplessly. As if he awaits a response that will never come.
So I decided to persuade you that I'm fine, that you should go back to your work. Of course you told me that you can't, but then again, I wouldn't be called your wife if I don't know how to handle you, right?
The man chuckled. "But of course." He thought, and that's why after a week of preparations, you're already saying your goodbyes to him in the airport. Only if he didn't let himself be persuaded by you. How he hoped that he grew suspicious that he suddenly recieved an actual letter in paper from you, just two months afer his departure. But then again, you told him that you just wanted to do it because you love him, and he trusts you in that.
It was perhaps, ingenious of me, to think about this kind of ploy. But can you blame me, my love? I wouldn't want you to see my tears or to hear my sobs and whimpers in a call. I wouldn't want to impose and worry you much more. So I wrote to you instead. Even if the letter arrives just every other day or so, at least it buys me time. Time to be alone. Time to wallow in pitty and sadness, before it's time to reply to you again. I mean, what am I even thinking right now, confessing to my sins and making this much harder for you?
"No please, god no. Please...just...keep writing, my love."
I'm hoping that this song will find you well Oh, Noel Oh, Noel
My love, when you recieve this letter...do not fret for I will still be proud of you. I will still be in love with you. I just hope that you will forgive me, because I know I can't. I know that I'm being selfish right now, but please don't be mad...
The wind howled on the other side of the window, the embers in the fireplace are starting to dwindle down almost to nothing, but he ignored all that. However, the open telivision in the background is the one that he can't block out, no matter how hard he tried. He didn't know what made him open it up and turn it in to a channel that shows the late night news reports. How he wished he didn't.
I hope that the thing that I'm gonna do will not dampen this year's holidays. Although, I know my wishing of that will be futile. My love, I am sorry for not being there with you in the upcoming celebrations...
A decade passed, and letters all but died Ten years that saw her folks divorced
"On tonight's breaking news..."
...I's sorry for lying to you, that I am fine...
"...A woman was found just an hour ago..."
And best friend's suicide I'd see her on occasion, looking pale and petrified I'd wave, but she would only turn and cry
...I'm sorry for failing the both of us in making a family of our own...
"...In a motel located in Freeport, Maine..."
If you're reading this letter, I hope that you wouldn't be upset to me, and especially to yourself.
"...The sight that the authorities and staff saw was very disheartening, the woman was found lying in the room's bathroom in the pool of her own blood. The police informed us that they are currently contacting the dead woman's family..."
The embers in the fireplace are dead
As if to mock him more, a ringing of a phone can be heard around the room from somewhere around the living area that he's in. A sob escaped the mans mouth, no longer being able to contain the pain that he can feel. The contracting of his chest was too much, even for him.
Know that I love you and I always will, even if I'm not there to tell you that in person anymore. I'm sorry my love...
Maybe it was the upcoming winter. Maybe it was just meant to be gloomy because of the harshness of the chill in the air. Maybe it was the sobs of a broken man echoing around the place. Maybe it was the still ringing phone or the emptiness that the man can feel. Maybe it was the news in the background or the way how the man lost that particular shine in his eyes, just like what he'd witnessed before.
The late night news reports are being read
I hope that you can forgive me, Noel. I hope that someday you will be happy. I love you. I'm sorry.
Your love, Emelia
They found you in some dirty, cheap motel
...or maybe, Just maybe... he can blame the lack of warmth coming form the fireplace, for the goosebumps that he's sporting, and for the emptiness that he's feeling right now... just this once...just this once.
But, oh, well Oh, well Noel
Please if you're feeling suicidal seek help and talk to someone National Suicide Prevention Website and International Suicide Prevention Lifeline
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