This Is How I Feel

This is how I vent.

[thoughtkick]

“Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself.”

— Sylvia Plath

[dafancyuhinspiration]

[thatlittlehippie]

Precipice

I feel that I’m at a precipice. On the very edge of choosing to continue to fight to keep my head held high or to finally succumb to the waves in the rushing river below. My breath is heavy and with each gasp I can feel water filling into the deepest part of my lungs. I’m still on the cliff I’m just anticipating the future of what the water will feel like once I’m finally too weak to continue.

I wonder how great the wind will feel on my face as I fall. Will it be cold? Will the air feel wet as I fly finally having the wings I’ve always wanted?

I hang on every single word she says to me. Constantly looking to be sure she hasn’t said more. I feel as if I’m a child sitting cross legged on the carpet listening intently as a grandfather shares his old war stories. Like I have looked too deeply into the flame and I am anticipating the burn. I know this is going to hurt but I cling to the warmth before the pain.

[theclassyissue]

[dafancyuhinspiration]

[thatlittlehippie]

Why.

Why do I have to be the one that has to be “strong” when others are allowed to be “weak”?

Why do I have to be the one that gets the weight of the world on her shoulders when others would crumble into dust?

“But you hold yourself so well I wouldn’t have been able to tell that you’ve been through so much..how do you do it?”

Well,

Work four jobs to provide for seven people at the age of 17 while in high school and still graduate.

Take your father to the hospital more and more frequently over the years while watching him deteriorate in front of your eyes.

Handle your father becoming aggressive with you on those drives to the hospital/ at the hospital because his kidneys and lungs are failing him and he is not cognitively well in those moments. MM Of course because no one else would be able to hold their composure while dealing with it.

Handle the death of your father.

Move your mom an hour away from her house and help her clean out your childhood home.

Help your mom find all new insurance, doctors and take over all of her medical needs as well as take her to all of her doctor’s appointments.

Take your husband to the hospital multiple times because he is very sick but the docs keep saying he’s fine.

Find out your husband has AIH.

Help your husband through all of the times he is very sick through out the night while keeping your composure and staying sympathetic.

Take your mother to the urgent care because you fear she make have pneumonia again and find out that she has a 3cm mass in her lungs.

Contact more doctors, set up doctor appointments, scans and biopsies to find out if it is cancer.

Mentally compose yourself and prepare to “be the strong one” incase it is cancer.

Get your IUD literally ripped out of you without pain meds, because it was attached to your uterus and you’ll be damned if you have to have surgery to get it out. You don’t have time for surgery.

Handle your older sister calling you at least once a month at 1am drunk, again. Explain to her that it’s time to get help. It’s time she goes to therapy and AA. It’s time to get sober.

Be there for your mother, sister, husband and son mentally physically and emotionally.

Keep your composure.

Keep your composure.

Keep your composure.

Keep your composure.

Keep your composure.

[thatlittlehippie]

Find out your mom doesn’t have just one mass she has 4.

Sit in the doctors office while the oncologist looks you in the face and tells you that your mother has advanced stage 4 lung cancer and without treatment will only live 3-6 months. With treatment we could possibly get a year maybe two.

Keep your composure.

[thatlittlehippie]

Be there through every single step with you mom.

7 rounds of chemo just to find out it stopped working

She starts a new chemo.

She lays in bed for two solid weeks

You think you’re loosing her. It’s too fast.

Thankfully she starts coming around after the third week.

Sit by her side as she decides that she will no longer be doing chemo. She fears the chemo will kill her sooner than the cancer would. Hold her hand when she tells the doctor that she will no longer be doing chemo.

Brush her hair every morning as you watch her beautiful, long, thick salt and pepper hair falls out in clumps.

Keep your composure.

[thatlittlehippie]

I feel that I’m at a precipice. On the very edge of choosing to continue to fight to keep my head held high or to finally succumb to the waves in the rushing river below. My breath is heavy and with each gasp I can feel water filling into the deepest part of my lungs. I’m still on the cliff I’m just anticipating the future of what the water will feel like once I’m finally too weak to continue.

I wonder how great the wind will feel on my face as I fall. Will it be cold? Will the air feel wet as I fly finally having the wings I’ve always wanted?

I hang on every single word she says to me. Constantly looking to be sure she hasn’t said more. I feel as if I’m a child sitting cross legged on the carpet listening intently as a grandfather shares his old war stories. Like I have looked too deeply into the flame and I am anticipating the burn. I know this is going to hurt but I cling to the warmth before the pain.

[thatlittlehippie]

[thememedaddy]

[thoughtkick]

“You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.”

— C.S. Lewis

[thatlittlehippie]

I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. I feel like I’ve just been on autopilot.

[lajoliepretentieuse]

[thatlittlehippie]

Why.

Why do I have to be the one that has to be “strong” when others are allowed to be “weak”?

Why do I have to be the one that gets the weight of the world on her shoulders when others would crumble into dust?

“But you hold yourself so well I wouldn’t have been able to tell that you’ve been through so much..how do you do it?”

Well,

Work four jobs to provide for seven people at the age of 17 while in high school and still graduate.

Take your father to the hospital more and more frequently over the years while watching him deteriorate in front of your eyes.

Handle your father becoming aggressive with you on those drives to the hospital/ at the hospital because his kidneys and lungs are failing him and he is not cognitively well in those moments. MM Of course because no one else would be able to hold their composure while dealing with it.

Handle the death of your father.

Move your mom an hour away from her house and help her clean out your childhood home.

Help your mom find all new insurance, doctors and take over all of her medical needs as well as take her to all of her doctor’s appointments.

Take your husband to the hospital multiple times because he is very sick but the docs keep saying he’s fine.

Find out your husband has AIH.

Help your husband through all of the times he is very sick through out the night while keeping your composure and staying sympathetic.

Take your mother to the urgent care because you fear she make have pneumonia again and find out that she has a 3cm mass in her lungs.

Contact more doctors, set up doctor appointments, scans and biopsies to find out if it is cancer.

Mentally compose yourself and prepare to “be the strong one” incase it is cancer.

Get your IUD literally ripped out of you without pain meds, because it was attached to your uterus and you’ll be damned if you have to have surgery to get it out. You don’t have time for surgery.

Handle your older sister calling you at least once a month at 1am drunk, again. Explain to her that it’s time to get help. It’s time she goes to therapy and AA. It’s time to get sober.

Be there for your mother, sister, husband and son mentally physically and emotionally.

Keep your composure.

Keep your composure.

Keep your composure.

Keep your composure.

Keep your composure.

[thatlittlehippie]

Find out your mom doesn’t have just one mass she has 4.

Sit in the doctors office while the oncologist looks you in the face and tells you that your mother has advanced stage 4 lung cancer and without treatment will only live 3-6 months. With treatment we could possibly get a year maybe two.

Keep your composure.

[thatlittlehippie]

[thatlittlehippie]

[memeuplift]

[politijohn]

Source

Source

[tzikeh]

...*sigh*

*taps mic*