soccer in the park
The last time I micro dosed acid I didn’t mean to micro dose acid, I just left the Sour Patch Kids in the car overnight in an Iowa winter and they lost a lot of potency. I took one anyways because I wanted to see what soccer felt like. The main thing that happened is that I could feel the ache in my joints that I think I ignore most of the time. I went to a park to play soccer but when I was done and sitting criss cross in the sun, looking at the yellow and purple flowers a field away, a woman called out to tell me that the field was recently treated with pesticides and that it wasn’t safe for me to be out there. I was crying, but I had to pretend I wasn’t to the woman, because it doesn’t make sense to go to a park to play soccer and end up beside the goal looking faraway and crying. She said she worked in landscaping and that these chemicals I was sitting in were serious news and there were signs up everywhere. I sounded so normal, talking to that lady, like some other person was doing it for me. I ended up sitting on a park bench beside the basketball court where no one was playing basketball, tears still streaming down my face. I had a new girlfriend, and I was spending all my time with her. She wanted to and I have trouble knowing what I want, but when I accidentally micro dosed acid and I was sitting on that park bench I knew I wanted to be alone. I could only do this alone, I thought. I’m crying, I thought. I’m not happy alone. But I want to be alone so much of the time. The lady came by as I was leaving and told me I should probably shower and throw my clothes in a separate load. I am a machine operator for a seed company that coats all their corn in bright green or red or purple to indicate pesticides, and I never wear gloves because my mother has an allergy to latex and I sometimes get bumps that I don’t want developing into a rash. I think the normal person in me says something affirming back and the lady seems satisfied. I would have played on the field regardless but just because she said something I do go home, and I do shower, and I throw my clothes with all the others because that is the line I draw, I guess. What I’m trying to say is, how can I be in love and want to always be alone?

















