the good, the bad, and the honesty.

[the-writingone]

I tried to dry the first rose you gave me, I wanted to keep it forever, just as I wanted to keep you. But somewhere along the way something went wrong and rot found the petals, even though this time I did everything right. Now it's winter and everything has died. I fought so hard to keep us alive despite the cold winds, to warm your heart, but the frostbite got to you anyways. I don't know who you became in your sadness, and I couldn't stay to watch the person you used to be drown, unrecognizable now. I couldn't follow you back down the rabbit hole I had just gotten myself out of, and you refused to come back to the surface. The only choice you gave me was to leave even though this time I did everything right. I wanted to keep you so badly, but you're drowning in your sadness, making everything damp, and the rot found our petals. Now it's winter and everything has died.

i should have taken that rose as a sign

[the-writingone]

I've always found the presence of water calming. Maybe that's why I drowned with you for so long. I couldn't distinguish between security and danger until it was too late to save you. I had to save myself.

now you’re at the bottom of the sea

[the-writingone]

A flash of red, a moment to focus, and there it is. Matriarch of this state that I've always despised, it's only right that you are the symbol that something big is about to happen. I have my fingers crossed behind my back hoping this sighting doesn't spell something bad. But I know this history lesson and now I'm terrified. Who knew such a pretty thing could be so cruel? At least at this point I have learned the one cardinal rule: try not to freak out yet. It's just a bird.

the bird is always right, i just never thought it would mean losing you

[the-writingone]

Be sure to congratulate those twisted thoughts in your head when you realize that's what has ruined another relationship. I finally understand what Mom said when she told you to go to therapy before you spoke to her again. I wish you could see the damage you've caused up close. I wish you could see the crying phone call I had with Mom where I just couldn't hold it together. I wish you could see that there's more than one guilty party here. But until your smog-colored glasses clear again you will continue to play the victim while pleading the fifth and I'm still not sure how you've managed to make those two coexist. I don't have time for these childish games and cruel tactics, especially now that I've found true happiness. I'm sure in ten years when you've decided your sentence is done you'll try to appeal to me on bloodied knees, but I don't know if I'll ever have enough time to forgive your crying eyes. These crimes might be unforgivable. Turning you away might hurt, but your cruel words kill me. The next time you reminisce about this ruined relationship be sure to thank those twisted thoughts in your head for creating all of this.

gaslight me up

[the-writingone]

This street is so fucking empty and it knows me so well that it's echoing my name. I need to get out. Someone buy me a one way ticket to anywhere because I need to be anywhere but here right now. These Kerouac bones of mine are aching for something more and there's an emptiness in my ribcage that this place can't fill. I need a new town where no one knows my name to plant flowers in the broken parts of me because I need to feel life in my soul again. I'm tired of being numb and this city street that's seen far too much of me is making me feel empty. I don't want to be empty. And this street is so fucking empty, and it knows me so well that it's echoing my name. I need to get out.

Compton

[the-writingone]

I'm sitting here in this church, repeating what the pastor says, not believing a word of it. I feel empty every God damn time I'm here. My dad grabs my hand as he bows his head to pray and now the guilt is washing over me. I look around at all the other bowed heads and closed eyes, my own are wide open because I can't figure out why they're all praying and don't they feel empty like me when they do. And I'm trying so fucking hard to feel what they are all feeling, but I just don't, and I'm not convinced that anyone is up there anymore. And the pastor calls me an instrument as he's telling me how I fit into God's Ultimate Plan and I still don't believe it and I don't really want to be an instrument anyways. I don't want this. But the guilt washes over me as my dad is still clasping my hand because he believes it, and I'm sitting here in this church, repeating what the pastor says, and I'm not believing a God damn word of it.

Cornerstone

[the-writingone]

I went diving for change in the wells of abandoned dreams. Paying for these filthy cigarettes using someone else's nickel and dime wishes. This is a new low. But I'm so empty and fed up that I've stopped giving a fuck. Fuck your wishes, they're bound to remain ungranted anyways. So, they may as well serve this lonely stoner a purpose.

this is my wish, and i’m taking it back

[the-writingone]

This wanderlust won't leave me alone and I just need to get out before this city and these cold winds sink into my veins. I'm feeling stuck, caught up, tied down. I need a new place where no one knows my name. These Nashville streets have seen too much of me.

get out while you still can

[the-writingone]

I still think of you. Nights like these used to mean getting high on the back porch and lazily falling into each other. Now, it still means getting high, but I am alone and lonely and desperate. I'm trying anything to fill up the void in my rib cage that you created.

it’s been a year and you still invade my thoughts

[the-writingone]

I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake. I'll be the story that you don't dare tell because you thought you had tasted love and I spat venom. The manic pixie dream girl with a heart of ice that you could never seem to warm. I came in like a tidal wave, destroyed everything in my path, and left as fast as I fucking could. Get out before I get invested because that's when the pain comes. That's when people see past the storm and realize that I'm just sad and lonely and desperate. That's when they leave. So, I have learned to leave before being left, never get too attached, remain numb. Blow in and out of cities and lives before they can sink into your veins. I'm just the broken girl who could never stay, though you thought you had tasted love. I'm sorry I'm a tidal wave.

[the-writingone]

I don't love you, but I could have all the time in the world with you and it wouldn't be enough. I don't love you, but you're the only one who understand this wanderlust in my veins. I don't love you, but you make me truly happy. When I think about what I want and need, logistically, you are it. But I can't stifle up the courage to muster up romantic feelings for you. Because if we were to do this, it would have to be forever and the timing is off. Forever is not what either of us are looking for right now. And if you really are the one, my god, I'd wait forever to get it right. And right now, it's not right. Timing is never kind, and we can't be together forever still living with questions. Questions that we still need to find the answers to. Questions that need to be answered on our own. And if fate brings us back together (because I'm feeling like this could be forever), we will be ready. We will say, 'Finally, I know what love tastes like,' but for now we will wait. And we will venture to find the answers worth finding. And after the soul searching ceases, we may return to each other. And if that day comes, I will still find that I could have all the rest of forever with you, all the time in the world, and it still wouldn't be enough.

i don’t even know

[the-writingone]

I have a fire burning behind my eyes and I will engulf anyone who looks my way with one glance. Your friends have formed and army of hate against me and they stare me down through the cigarette smoke that now must coat my lungs. I'm trying not to retaliate because if I do, I will burn them up. And I won't even have to say a god damn word. They may think that they have a vicious bite, but let me tell you, mine is much worse. Venom drips from my teeth as I fight down the bitter words that are begging to overflow from my mouth. I could end all of you, but I'll try not to. I don't want to sink down to your level, but it's so hard when they're shooting me glances that could cripple a soul. Be warned, you do not want to play this game with me. I will be victorious. Because I don't play games anymore, I win them.

are you sure that you want to do this?

[the-writingone]

I thought that I was stumbling into love, but I'm realizing now that I was lying to myself. I am just so sick of being alone, so I thought I could force it. I wanted the real thing so badly that I thought I could fake it. That seems to be how it always happens, and after each mistaken romance the emptiness grows. I'm just wondering when it'll be my turn to taste love; real, lasting, worth the bullshit love. I hope that it's coming soon because I'm getting so tired of waiting.

oops, i did it again

[the-writingone]

Where do we go from here? Affectionate tendencies had me believing that this was more than just friends, but you crushed that with one hushed phrase spoken between lips that got too close for comfort. 'This probably isn't a good idea,' rings in my head as you try to move things back to normalcy, but I can't go back so easily after that. I've been here before, so I shouldn't be surprised to be here again. I've wasted away waiting on another broken boy who was unable to separate love from friendship. Leaps of faith lead to let down and now my head is spinning because I don't know what to do anymore. My head says to let go, my heart says to hold on, and I don't want to lose you, but I can't go back to how things were. So tell me, where do we go from here?

what are we even doing anymore

[the-writingone]

Affectionate tendencies had me believing that this was more than just friends, but you crushed that with one hushed phrase spoken between lips that got too close for comfort.

why does this keep happening to me

[the-writingone]

He left me lead on and let down on a city street, so I'm lighting up another cigarette. I'm smoking like it's going out of style because I may fall apart otherwise. I thought I was stumbling onto something great, but I guess it was just bad timing and another broken boy unable to discern the difference between love and friendship. Another one too selfish to care about the damage he was causing. Now I'm forced to deal with the wreckage left in his wake alone, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. This happens every fucking time. I had just hoped that this one would be different. But they're all the fucking same.

I'm so sick of this

[the-writingone]

My hands haven't stopped shaking since last night. Now I'm just feeling scared and sick and lonelier than ever. I just thought I had finally stumbled onto the real thing, but I guess it was only bad timing. Another broken boy, unable to discern the difference between love and friendship. He left me lead on and let down on a city street.

why does this always happen