it's all about the he said, she said

Okay, Falls Church, listen up. You're used to sugarcoated, watered down, barely juicy scraps of shit that people used to pass off as gossip. Well, wake up, bitches. There's someone new running the show and the times of half-assed confessions are over. So spit it out, your rants, your secrets, the rumors you just can't hold in... It'll all be held in the spotlight for everyone to see. Because no one is off limits and nothing is untouched. Don't ask who we are, don't try to find us. Just hold on tight and face the cold, hard drama, Falls Church. It's gonna be a hell of a ride.

[thefall-gossip]

I see some sparks falling between the Little Witch and the Jackson kid... and not sexual tension sparks. More like, I want to tear you face off sparks. My question is it wise for this wannabe werewolf to be picking a fight with a witch and a Bennett at that?

No, but since when have greedy, stupid people listened to wisdom and reason? If its a fight he wants, I'm sure Bennett will pop a few of the blood vessels in his head.

Let's be real here. Jackson boy has powerful friends that wouldn't hesitate to put the little witch bitch down. Bonnie may have the voodoo, but she definitely doesn't have the backup. He got this.

[thefall-gossip]

So Tyler and Elena are doing the horizontal hustle, what should Klaus's next move be on Caroline?

His next move should be to respect what Caroline wants. Be her shoulder to cry on or whatever it is that she needs right now. Do whatever works on the heartbroken, teary-eyed types like her. He’s been around longer than most, he’s bound to have some sort of skill.

I’m sure Klaus has lots of moves he can use on the Barbie bitch. Upside down, sideways, take your mutha-fuckin’ pick. Care’s old man is GONE with a capital G for now. But if I had to pick between a hybrid and THE hybrid, I know who I’d be rolling with.

[thefall-gossip]

A little birdie told me that a certain Bennett, will be coming into town soon. What do you think witchy will bring to the mix?

Little Bennett is here? Well, bring her forward for judgement. Maybe we'll have some real witch power here. Actually, I take that back. Real power doesn't catch nosebleeds because they don't know how their craft works.

Fina-fuckin'-ly. It's 'bout time we got some more witches around here. If bitch does her job right, I think we might actually see some real sparks around here. I'm tired of parlor tricks, I want fuckin' Houdini.

[thefall-gossip]

Katherine needs to stop being so bitchy

Quite frankly, we're all bitches. She just goes about it incorrectly. She can't get people to do her bend to her will, or what have you, without losing them eventually. She needs to actually do something bitchy or quit the game all together.

Okay, maybe it's just me, but Katherine ain't exactly the bitchiest in town. All she does is sit around the house all day and talk shit. Maybe someone should teach the ho' not to claim the 'safest psycho bitch' card if she ain't gonna live up to it.

[thefall-gossip]

Klaus needs to stop humping legs and just get some.

Your fascination with characters 'getting some' is amusing. Are you sex-starved, little anon? Klaus is attractive, no doubt, but all the women he goes for usually end up becoming vampires themselves. I hardly think many of the women of Falls Church crave that fate. I'm sure if he was feeling particularly horny, he could and would compel someone into having sex with him.

Mmm, don't get me started on that sexy piece of hybrid meat. If he isn't gettin' busy with any of the locals, I volunteer my services for the low low price of fuh-ree. Too bad he's too hung up on a certain blonde. Just gotta figure out which blonde it is. The one that barks or the one that bites.

[thefall-gossip]

Emma is hot. She needs to get some.

How quaint. Are you offering, little anon? Because, I’m sure that if she’s so ‘hot’, she’d be able to ‘get some’ all on her own. She is, after all, a big girl.

Emma got that Mahealani blood in her veins, of course bitch is fine. Why are you sending that in like it’s hot news? Somebody needs to wag they goddamn tails over to her and handle business so we have something real to talk about.

[thefall-gossip]

Why is Oliver so uptight?

Probably because Katherine is so flighty that she could leave him at any time for someone else and when she's done with that person, come back to him. And he'd let her too. If I didn't know any better, I'd think she was a siren.

Bitch, he ain't uptight. He's just used to Katherine working that dick so much that whenever she ain't hoppin' on it, he gets angry with the world. Hell, if I was gettin' fucked by a dusty vamp bitch all the time, I'd be mad during commercial break too.

[thefall-gossip]

When are Jake and Anna going to say they love each other?

Love? Have they even been together for a month? And is bitch even legal yet? I smell a pedo vibe in the Remington family and it ain't the cutie with the freckles. Jacob needs to hop off of the supernatural express and find someone that can deal with his boring. Maybe someone that this town actually likes this time around. Sorry honey, but Anna ain't exactly the cream of the crop. Last I checked, she had one motha-fucka in her friends list and I don't think it counts when you're giving up the V...

Don't make me laugh. Seriously. They haven't been together long, not to mention, that more than likely, Jacob hosts residual feelings for Erica. Unless you're a vampire, I doubt you can turn your emotions off all at once, and even the undead have a few drawbacks with that. I give that happy couple another week before they break up.

[thefall-gossip]

So now that Caroline is in town, when are Elena and Tyler going to tell her they're knocking boots?

"Knocking boots"? Ugh. I'll never understand why people don't out right say sex. *sigh* I digress. I doubt they're in any rush to tell her. If she doesn't try to begin a romantic relationship with the little Lockwood boy, they probably won't tell her. You know how secretive Elena and Tyler can be. Then again, with us around, no one's secrets will be safe for much longer.

Damn hooker, that secret got out of the bag sooner than I thought. Them two were gonna keep their dirty little lips zipped for as long as they could until someone caught 'em bumpin' uglies in the dark. Are Tyler and Elena even really doing the fondue or was that a limited time only offer? Because I want to get in on that before Blondie reclaims her boy toy.

[thefall-gossip]

Your old Gossip Court Jesters failed you. What we do is serious and will bring out the worst in every single one of you. Long gone are the days of 'confessions' and sex crazed antics. This is our town now and we want to see it painted red.

Those fools done fucked up. They was too thirsty and everything was only half-done. We up in this bitch now and about to show you how real gossip gets done. We run this motha-fucka. This is the real shit and you better get with it.

[Send in your secrets here.]

[thefall-gossip]

Erica and Caroline should make a blonde bombshell sandwich.

Oh god yes, one of them is incredibly emotionless and the other is wayyy too emotional, match made in heaven if you ask us!

Seriously though, girls, hop to that okay? We're in dire need of sexy lady on lady action, you two are our only hope in Falls Church.

Make it good.

xoxo Gossip Team

[thefall-gossip]

I'm surprise Ruby is not jealous of Castiel.

I think Ruby's over Sam... And if she isn't, I'm sure she will be now after she sees how disloyal this little boy is.

[thefall-gossip]

Do you think Jeremy has different kinds of dildos?

Yes. Yes I do.

[thefall-gossip]

We want to know because you guys love sex

We do, sex is great. Are you telling me you don't?

[thefall-gossip]

Dean is unlucky.

Yes. Yes he is. First he loses his mom, then his dad, then his brother... He finally gets his brother back only to lose him to demon blood and hell. Then he gets a chance at happiness and gives it up for his brother... And now? Now his brother and the love of his life are going behind his back together.

That poor boy is beyond unlucky.

His life should be a tragic Shakespearean play or an Ancient Greek epic.

[thefall-gossip]

Derek and Mark should hook up.

Hmn... Intriguing combo. I would not be opposed. At all. 

[thefall-gossip]

Emily should put a strap on and let Jeremy ride her.

...Do you really think they haven't done that already- multiple times?