I had a Menty B and deleted my last tumblr page. Hindsight I wish I didn’t do it. Only because so much of me on there. I’m never on this one. Anyways today just felt like one of those days where I needed to just spill my guts. Anonymously 🫣. I’ve been married for 12 years. In the beginning I was blindly in love. We got married and had a baby within the year. Actually we got engaged and married in the same week. 😬 Military love story as old as time. I was always a little unsure about him being faithful. But I figured I already had a kid when he met me and he married me so we are locked in right?! Um wrong I guess. Right after I had my son I went on our laptop to look through the photos he uploaded from our daughter’s birthday. In a sea of photos of my growing baby bump was pictures and videos of women. Women we knew. Real women not influencer or porn stars. I stayed. A year later her tells me one random morning he’s not in love with me anymore. When I ask if he’s going to see other people he said no that’s the last thing on his mind. He goes to a festival and . To universal with his “best friends” two girls I’m not really sure about but I don’t say no. 3 months after his trips I’m in bed recovering from surgery when my 2 year old comes in holding his phone. Playing on the phone my husband fucking his best friend. I still stayed. After that caught again. Most recently 9months pregnant with my now 2 year old and he has nudes of some chick on his phone and he sent her money. What a joke. I kept trying to make it work. Put all my feelings aside because life for us is complicated. I haven’t worked in 15 years. I’ve been a stay at home mom to special needs kids. He’s been the financial provider. I thought welp must be the good wife. Must stay and cook and clean. But I’m unhappy. We haven’t slept in the same bed since the two year old was born. I literally thought I had a bust libido. I had zero desire to have sex. Then a blast from the past came back into my life. INSTANT spark. Instant attraction. Then it hit me. I’m just not in love with my husband anymore. There is no spark. I love him definitely. But the damage I think is done. I don’t trust him. I actually hold a lot of anger towards him. So I told him. I need to focus on myself and my mental health. I need to figure out what I want and need and the process doesn’t involve him. We still sleep separate but live our day to day together. I thought maybe if we start over and lay it all out there I’ll remember why we fell in love. I remember a lot of good now. But it’s not enough. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel lusted after. I want to be hugged and kissed like I mean something to someone. I’ve been doing the work on myself. Lost weight, make healthier over all choices. I don’t drink. Only smoke weed. Take care of myself physically. I’m a great mom. And now I’m at the point of just wanting to be wanted. To be pursued. Im lonely. Yes the husband will still sleep with me, cuddle with me, kiss me. But I don’t want it from him. When he tries I want to push away. It’s just not him anymore. As far as the blast from the past. He does what he also does best disappears. We’ve been friends for 14 years. We are the definition of will they won’t they. We probably never will. I messaged him for his birthday. Crickets. Oh well. Still going to move forward focusing on myself. Hopefully go back to school. Get a job. Do my own thing eventually idk. Today I was just having a lonely day. I kind of just want to be wrapped in someone’s arms. Given forehead kisses and tight squeezes. Called beautiful or sexy. Instead I’m watching Bob’s burgers alone high as fuck. Life be lifeing.
