A Day in the Life of a Closeted Teenage Trans-Guy

Just my diary (?)

[therowantree]

Intro???

Hey guys, I'm Rowan. I'm FTM and I'm a closeted trans-guy and use he/they pronouns. As you've seen by my blog title. I'm just gonna be posting when I feel like it. Might be daily. Might be weekly. Might be every couple of days. Who knows?

I am in my last year of highschool, and then off I go to college. And I am terrified of coming out. I am out to my younger sister, two close friends, and another two close friends that are away at college. They are the only ones that know because I know that they mind their own business, and won't spread mine. Plus, they're all extremely supportive. Not that my other friends aren't supportive, just that I don't know my comfortability with them all knowing quite yet.

I'm not worried about coming out to my friends though. The people I am worried about coming out to are my parents. When I was 12, I came out as trans-masc nonbinary. They hated it. I cut my hair and because of it, my dad didn't talk to me for a month. My mom didn't like that I dressed masculinely, that I didn't want to be a girl. So I went back in the closet around 14 or 15, and tricked myself back into being a "girl". But my mental health plummeted within those two years, and recently I had to be put on medication. In part because of this, but also other personal factors.

So recently, I just put my big-boy pants on and admitted it to myself. That I was a guy, and to stop running away from the idea that I am. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I didn't go back in the closet and allowed myself to fully explore my identity...

Either way, I'm here now.

[therowantree]

Can anyone give me recommendations for shows/movies with characters that are FTM? I'd like it if they were the main character, but understandable if they're just a side character that frequently shows up.

[therowantree]

FML I binded too long yesterday (like from 9AM to 8PM) and now my ribs hurt. I wanna work out but idk if that's safe. Now it hurts to sit up and I have a bit of a cold right now so it hurts to cough. Anyone have any suggestions to help?

[therowantree]

Bro. The undying urge to cut my hair, bind my chest, start T, and just everything is consuming my soul.

[therowantree]

6/7/26

Hello guys!

Okay... so I am babysitting my younger siblings for the weekend. And it's not like a "oh, we stay in the house and watch movies until my parents get home" it's more of a "damn we have shit to do and I gotta cart you guys around so you can get it done" typa weekend.

They are working on getting their scuba diving certifications, but the thing is... those classes are long. Four hours long. It's an hour drive there, hour drive back. That's six total hours, not counting the amount of time you have to get there early to help set up. So in all honesty, I am a parent this weekend. My older sister was supposed to help but instead went to a graduation party for one of her friends. I am being treated like an adult (even though I'm a month and a half off from being an adult). And it's honestly very weird. I have kinda accepted that I can't really pass right now, but I am still wearing my binder and trying to dress masculinely and pull my hair back and stuff. It's kinda weird taking the place of my mother (who would usually be doing this), as they talk to me and ask me questions about my sister and brother. Like I literally had a whole posse of adults come up to me to speak to me about something, and I was trying to look competent and know what I'm doing.

It's so weird growing up. It's honestly so so strange. One moment, you're 13 and scared to enter high school, the next you're almost 18 and being treated as if you're a responsible adult with years of experience who knows how to fend not only for yourself but two kids who are not much younger than you. I am scared. I still need my parents. It's so difficult to do this and I really respect my parents for being able to raise us. I am so tired.

Anyways, happy 6 7 day, and happy pride month!

Cya!

-Rowan (he/they)

[therowantree]

6/2/26

Hey y'all! Happy pride month! Buckle up, this is going to be a long one... On Friday, I had prom. My mom got me a prom dress, and it was really good, but a little loose. So we went to get it taken in, surprise, it was taken in too much. So I was wearing a dress (that I didn't really want to wear, but I got because I knew it would make my mom happy), that was too tight, and made me feel lowkey fat. I have muscle, but since I've been out of the gym for a bit (because life got so busy, but I'm going back today), my fat composition is higher and you can't really see my muscles. I've lost progress, and I'm very disappointed in myself. That, but also, while dancing, my dress split down the back. It was so embarrassing. I went as a duo with my best friend, and she really helped me out, stayed with me until my mom picked me up, and just overall was a literal angel from heaven. She's literally an amazing friend.

Originally I was going to have a sleepover after prom with my friends, but I had my scuba certification dives. So on Saturday I had the first two. The water was so butt. It was awful. Windy. Choppy. Cold. And I just was not a happy camper. Not only that, but when I was going down to do the out of air exercise with my diving buddy, I put in his secondary regulator wrong, and got a mouthful of salt water. Yuck. I made it to the surface though, and coughed it all up.

Then on Sunday, I finished getting my scuba diving certification. Yay! Fun! It was really great, and I made some scuba friends. My dad is a scuba diver, so we went diving together, then afterwards got food and ice cream. It was SO GOOD! I was very pleased with it! The way home was the important part though.

My younger sister has been struggling with completing work for school since about 4th grade. My parents don't know why, they just get mad at her every single time they see that she has more missing assignments. One of my siblings is special needs with autism, and my younger sister is often grouped in with him. On the way home from my certification tests, I was like "Hey dad, what if she has ADHD or something?" and he was like "No, she doesn't fit the criteria." (because he's a doctor). And I was like "Are you sure?" and then he was like beginning to question it, and told me to pull up the criteria for ADHD. She fit basically all of it, except for the hyperactivity bit (but that could also be burnout). So he was like "Okay, I'll bring it up to your mother when we get home" and he did, and now she's going to have an evaluation for it. Not only that, but my mother was like "I noticed that I myself fit a lot of those criteria when I was younger, and just learned to deal with it over time" and she pointed it out that me and my oldest sister do too. Apparently the depression medication I'm on is an alternative treatment for ADHD, and my mom suspects that herself, my oldest sister, me, and my younger sister "have a little bit of that ADHD" (as she so eloquently puts it. And yes, I know that's not how it works, but I'm not going to correct her as she'll be told all about ADHD at the doctor's appointment). I figure that she probably won't try to get her, me, or my oldest sister diagnosed with ADHD, probably because she doesn't think it's a possibility that we HAVE it, just that we have some personality quirks, and that if we did have it, it's not severe enough to interfere with daily life like it does with my younger sister. Plus, even if I have ADHD, my depression medication treats it. But I severely doubt that I actually have ADHD, and even if I did, without a proper diagnosis, I would never say that I have ADHD without being told by a doctor.

Then, on Monday was senior skip day, and I met up with my friends at the mall! We went to build-a-bear, and I got a goat which I named "Llama, Japheth, [my last name]" and he wears overalls with a red sweatshirt, converse, graduation cap, and a graduation gown. Because I'm graduating and so is Llama. I have two weeks left of school, and we're practically doing nothing for all of those two weeks.

So yeah, that's my update on my life! Cya!

-Rowan (he/they)

[therowantree]

5/24/26

Hey guys!

My last paper of high school is coming up. It's due June 3rd. The prompt is to write a paper about one year of schooling K-12. It doesn't have to be about something education wise, it can be about an experience with other students. I'm thinking about writing about the bullying for being omni I received in 8th-10th grade until I forced myself to not dress into queer culture.

Even after closeting myself for being trans after 9th grade, in 10th grade, I still dressed queer and such so it was easy to tell that I am LGBTQIA+. But by 11th and 12th grade, no one could really tell.

I don't know what other people would get, but people would call me the f-slur and the d-slur. I'd get asked "What are you?". Because at the time I was publicly a girl, people would ask me inappropriate questions about what I was doing with girls (which was nothing because I rarely dated, and didn't date long enough to get to a stage in my relationship where me or her was comfortable doing that, plus I was too young for that). When I didn't answer or told them to mind their own business, it'd make them more persistent. If I was dating a girl, I was told I was wrong and unnatural and that I should break up with her. Or guys would ask me out as a joke, so that when I rejected them, they could say "I can change your mind". Other things such as that happened, but that was what happened for the most part.

I would have to read my paper to the class, but I don't know. I might not do it because coming out to a whole English class is hard, and I don't want a resurgence in the bullying for the last two weeks of my senior year of high school.

Thoughts?

Anyways, have a great day y'all!

-Rowan (he/they)

[therowantree]

5/11/25

Hey y'all, back again,

Okay, a lot has happened in my life but I don't feel like talking about. What I do feel like talking about is the fact that I just read something SO SAD and I'm literally about to SOB. Like...

The premise of it was like time travel, and the main character is like set to die. Like fall apart and stuff. Yada yada yada, he helps to do some research that will be found in the future, yada yada yada. BUT HE GETS A FAMILY! One that he would have NEVER had! And after some time of living with them, he begins dying. Slowly. And his mother figure has had kids and he's like a big brother to them. And one of the kids was like SO SAD when he died and it BROKE MY HEART. Y'know that scene in FMAB where Elicia is at her father's funeral and is like screaming and crying not to bury him because he wouldn't like that when he woke up? It was basically the same kind of thing.

Call me insane, but FMAB and FMA'03 are basically my comfort shows. When things go wrong I can full heartedly depend on those shows to pull me out of my misery.

Anyways, back on topic, I ALMOST CRIED (I don't cry at media, I maybe have like twice in total). Because wdym she's telling him to wake up? Wdym the family he worked so hard to find had to give him permission to die? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I love reading. I love reading things that make me feel. I love reading things that tear me apart. You will have to pry these doomed stories from my cold dead hands to get me to not read them.

Anyways, yeah, I've had a lot of life events going on, but those weren't as important as this.

Thanks y'all! Have a good day/night!

-Rowan (he/they)

[therowantree]

4/18/26

Heyo I got home yesterday. It has been eventful and I am just absolutely spent, but I can dress how I want to again, and wear masculine clothes. But I am getting my nails done again tomorrow, and I don't know how much I told about my hair, but it's longer after the treatment. I am not going to write much. That's about it. Rawdogged a 8.5 hour flight yesterday, kid next to me slept on my shoulder, I slept zilch, stayed up for like 24 hours straight. I slept an hour and a half only to wake up with a nosebleed and stay up another hour trying to stop it. Then slept until 11:30AM. Alright, gonna watch a show and sleep more. Peace out -Rowan (he/they)

[therowantree]

4/15/26

Hey y’all, formatting is gonna be wonky because I’m on my phone and not my laptop.

I have been overseas for a couple days, and it’s fun. It’s with my school so I have to present fem. Though I am with a close friend and we share a room (along with her younger sibling), and they both call me by my preferred name in private.

I’m literally falling asleep all the time and it’s hard to stay awake. I’m also vegetarian so when we go to restaurants as a group, the food is a pre-chosen item, and because of that if I say I’m vegetarian, all I get is a plate full of fried vegetables.

Some people are really annoying me and driving me up a wall. This one girl is here that kinda just started talking to me, and I have tried to be as obviously uncomfortable as possible without being impolite. I have tried to state my boundaries (which to her see more like a suggestion). And I am kind of done with her, but today as a group, we’re going to a mall, and she’s definitely going to come over to me, and it is going to make me so annoyed. Like I’m going to lose all my patience with her.

Anyways, other than that, I’m having a really fun time! We’ve seen many cool churches, communal spaces that are just beautiful as well! Everyone is so nice here too! And every makes such beautiful jewelry (I got for my mom), and also just really cool art as well. We’ve seen a lot of music things, and they are also really cool. We went to see a symphony play Beethoven last night, and Beethoven has never been so cool! The conductor was so energetic, and just put his entire body into conducting. And the bows were enchanting, they all moved in synch basically across their string instruments. It was just so cool to see and hear.

Anyways, that’s all for now! Have a good day y’all!

-Rowan (he/they)

[therowantree]

4/10/26

Hey y'all! I leave for overseas tomorrow, and I am a little concerned. My mother is hyper fixated on my appearance. She's getting me a keratin treatment for my hair. She didn't ask before booking the appointment. She did ask earlier if I was interested in a keratin treatment, and I said that we could try it, but I didn't realize that meant she'd book an appointment without consulting me on time, day, place, etc. I really want to cut my hair, but my mom seems to think I don't like long hair because it's hard for me to manage (I have curly hair). That's not it. She's still ignoring that I'm trans. despite me telling her I am. I told her I want to dress more masculinely. I told her I want to cut my hair. Not get a keratin treatment so I can keep my long hair. AND BEFORE I LEAVE FOR OVERSEAS! She didn't consult me! Not about booking the nail appointment or about booking the hair appointment! Do I have any right to be pissed off? I don't know. I'm annoyed. I want my appearance to be my own. Not hers. This is me. Not her. I love her but she has to stop. Anyways, have a good rest of your day! -Rowan (he/they)

[therowantree]

4/7/26

What's up y'all, welcome back to Rowan's trans-blog. Today, we're talking about just idk actually lol. Okay, so I'm wearing my binder today (I made more binders :P), and I'm wondering a little bit about packing and how to do that, so I'm gonna research that later after school, after homework, after the gym. I am going overseas for spring break with the music department of my school, and I don't know how I'm going to bring some stuff. #1 my boxers (I don't want to make my roommates uncomfortable) and #2 my binder (I will be out for like 12-16 hours a day, I don't want to over-bind, so maybe tape???). LMK if anyone has any ideas PLEASE. I am considering coming out to my chorus teacher (not the trans teacher), but I don't know. I don't want my name to be used in classes because it's almost the end of the year (like 2 months left) and also it would be weird to just tell her and have her do nothing with the information. Plus, if I change my name this close to the end of the year, the bullying from last time will resurge, and I just really don't need that. I also am having trouble with some college stuff. So I want to register for dorms as a trans guy, but my parents will see that and get upset about it. Because even if my mom knows, she doesn't want me to regret it. Even if I wasn't trans though, I'd still need a queer community because I'm literally omni. Either way, I don't know what to do. Especially because I don't want my roommate to be uncomfortable during college because then whoever I'm living with (probably a woman) will be uncomfortable living with a random guy (not that I even pass but ykwim). Anyways, sorry for bitching and moaning again about "omg my life is so hard" when it literally isn't lol Cya! Have a good rest of your day/night! -Rowan (he/they)

[therowantree]

Damn dude your blog is such a throwback vibe for me. You're hecking going through it. My mum hated me picking at myself too, I never grew out of it. I didn't discover the term dermatillomania until my early 20s but you probably already know it, we were still as a society not really in the groove of googling shit back then lol.

Dealing with parents who talk the supportive talk while walking in the opposite direction of the supportive walk is such a headfuck. It will start to get better with college, when you can do more stuff without them ever knowing. You're almost there, keep going!

I'ma keep checking in on your blog from time to time and cheering you on if you don't object, I'm only a babytrans myself but I've recognised myself as some flavour of queer since I was 12 and the urge to try to be a Wise Queer Elder to the younglings who remind me of me is strong.

One way or another you are going to keep becoming more yourself, whoever you decide you are (in gender ways or unrelated ways), and that is beautiful and awesome. You rock.

Thank you so much! I honestly don’t know if it’s dermatillomania since my mom lowkey refuses to get me checked for most things tbh, except the doctor and my mom agreed for anti-depressants, but those do nothing for me my anxiety and skin picking because it’s not an SSRI.

I think my mom could get better at being supportive, I just wish she understood that gender affirming care isn’t body mutilation. I think when I go to college next year, I’mma do all the shit I’ve been wanting to like binder, tape, packer, etc. so l can feel more masc. If she still insists on the nails, I’ll get black because some guys have black nails. College is gonna be good I hope.

I appreciate you checking on my blog, I’ll also take a look at yours because you seem nice! Thank you for sharing your story and encouraging me. :D

[therowantree]

Are trans people that don't pass/can't transition in the way they want to, still trans, or just someone fantasizing about being the other gender?

They're trans

They're fantasizing

Voting ended onApr 8

I have a very obvious opinion if you look at my past posts (it's option 1 :P) but I'm curious to see what others think because I was told I was just fantasizing the other day by another trans person and that I'm just a teenage girl...

[therowantree]

My mother made me get these nails. They're green. Cateye. Builder gel. They're pretty. But I hate them. I don't want nails. Wish I was guy passing.

[therowantree]

Oh how I wish I could pass as a guy

[therowantree]

4/2/26

Hey y'all! What's up? Okay. So... a few things. 1. I am so unsure of some things. I know that whenever I come out to my dad, he's going to want me to wait until my late 20s early 30s to transition. And I am just not feeling great about that. I don't want to want to have to wait. I know that I could just technically do It without telling my parents, but I don't want to go behind their backs like that. 2. I can't cut my hair, my mom is forcing me to get my nails done (for something unrelated to gender), my mom knows when I bind my chest so I can't do that either, I don't know how to pack. I have no possible way to pass right now without being boxed back into femininity and I hate it. 3. There's a trans teacher at my school and I really want to ask him some questions about being transgender because I feel like it might help me, but I cannot do that for many reasons. One: I don't like to get close to teachers and talking to a teacher about a personal problem kind of breaks that, two: I feel like I can't ask him about it without outing myself to him, three: it's just awkward to ask about, four: I don't want to be potentially disrespectful, five: I don't know when I'd possibly ask. So I cannot possibly ask him anything about it, and that sucks because I really don't know any other trans adults irl that I can find for support on this topic. 4. I am so close to the end of the school year, and I am just so over schoolwork. I still have 2.5 months left of high school before I graduate, and I don't want the school I've committed to, to potentially take back it's acceptance because I decided that school wasn't worth it in the last stretch of the school year. Especially since it was early decision so I didn't apply to any other schools. Anyways. Those are just some things I've been a-ponderin'! Have a good rest of your day y'all! -Rowan (he/they)