high and thinking about who i am right now
wasn't the point of getting high, i just wanted a little fun but hey im doing things. felt guilty for skipping elliott smith but i need ambience (cocteau twins!)
i am really quick go compare myself to others and judge myself. which makes me mad because i love myself and i think im wonderful. i am funny, im bright, i love my job and im good at it with the right people because i am the definition of not working harder than my clients,,, i am so pretty, i have a really nice body. i am so lucky to be who i am, i am so fortunate to live life being a truly beautiful person. and i understand that im not perfect, i am a pretty mean and bitchy at times, and i unfortunately have a pretty difficult mental illness to deal with. my shame is very strong, and it just ruins any happiness i've ever felt in my life instantly when it seeps into my heart. it genuinely feels like black sticky stuff that sinks into my heart and skin and weighs me down and makes me robotic and angry. Bc I Am So Hurt. which is so interesting as an adult because i literally can think back to being a child and being really hurt all of the time. and i don't know why my therapist wants to graduate me because this is the reason i have fucking bpd :| but i was always really scared and sad and felt hated by my family and nothing made anyone love me (sorry to my sister if you read this, i was a child) and that's what it felt like every day. and so i loved club penguin and seeing my friends felt really hard. until 7th grade, tara made me feel special and then 8th grade was justine, amber and mckenna. then justine and amanda. then amanda and then taylor.
i found myself really attached to my friends the most in my 20s and i think it's because of justine's death. that was the most pain ive ever felt, i feel it in my tight chest right now. it's so fucked up to love someone so much that you would do anything in the world just to make sure you get to see them on the weekends because they make you feel so much joy from laughter, but who cares about you so deeply too. we planned our future together, and even though everything blew up and my mom made me text you something terrible so you wouldn't like me anymore, i had always wished we would get our little house in las sendas together when we were 18 like we planned with ur mom
and so my friends in my 20s reminded me of her, but there were points when they made me realize that they don't feel the same and that's okay. because i saw gaps and im not saying i compare everyone to her, because amanda and syd are the closest friends i've had to being just like justine and the only difference is we just got into a fight and grew apart but it's never any different when we see each other, and sydney is just physical distance. but other people make me feel like a jester.
no one says jester and feels it like i do. im likehey look at me :* (while being super hot) am i lovable?" like ok girl ur everything and the most boring people, the most mean, the most jealous and the most hurt people come to you first. i just tend to feel alone at times and so i ask myself what's wrong with me- but i know i work on the things that are! and i feel better when im with friends.
i always wanted friends. i had so many in person, but club penguin friends were different. i loved jillian a lot. we talked every night, and both told each other we were used alias's ans fake information and shared our real names and stuff with each other.
and i got groomed by a fucking freak and betrayed her and i am sorry for that, i just wanted to be liked by someone. i knew he was gross but he was literally funny and you stopped being my friend because you were like in high school and i wasn't (not bc of me tho liek u just got busy) and yeah. don't remember the ins and outs of us, i remember other stuff like landon. funny kid, love him, he's doing well i think actually we talk every like 3 years to check up haha.
i pretended to be someone else online form liek 8-12 because i needed validation that my personality was still good tho and that's why im mature like i was pretending to be 10 years older for a long time
i just wait for someone to leave and this was a problem before she died, it has been since 7th grade of "why not me!!!!!!!!" and i look for it when im given reasons to. my friendship with lorelai hurts and always will hurt because i felt so safe with her, but also she was really mean to me, but she was my world.
i haven't gotten over it and i don't think i need to get over it like i desperately am trying to. like i accept that it's over, i can't change it and it was my own doing, but it had to happen. i just don't know why she got so mean toward the time before i ended things, she switched on me and if i were to be logical about this, my mother did the same thing to me when i was in 7th grade so it hit my nervous system and core wounds all at once and that's why it's the kind of heart break i've only felt when someone didn't want me back, which started in 7th grade.
that's the heartbreak that made me the girl i was from 20-22. drunk, partying, free, lovable, personable- because if i don't have a million people in my circle im closer to being alone.
i find myself seeking these feelings in romantic relationships, like the "you want to choose me" and i tell myself it's words that do it for me, and they do but sometimes i find myself wanting action i think? which makes sense, one direction did say that actions speak louder than words. also like my mom says she loves me then doesn't act like it (in meaningful ways, maybe in her own ways). i have only found one person who even makes me feel like that, but i also recognize that i have this weird wound in my heart that is not too heavy but has weight when i connect with it and it makes me ask myself why other people love me and yeah ITS SO TIIIIRING so im gonna save this for my next therapy session
lately i've been convinced i'm messing things up in my relationships and i have to ask myself if it's trauma from my childhood trying to be discussed or if it's people being abrasive or what. my sister left a gift on my bed and it was sweet and i actually am so in tune with her as a person i think, i at least understand her behavior but maybe not her emotions, and i know that she's a gift giver. she's sweet and i love her.
i'm gonna go to bed because i was weeping when i finally processed a bit of what happened w justine and i am gonna actually do some more so when you read this, know that im going up and adding stuff so that's why its a lot
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